It has been a really long time since I have talked about my Husband's MLC but I sometimes feel drawn to this place that used to be my solace and maybe it is time I started writing again. As a survivor with a reconcilled marriage it is easier to have hindsight and therefore I hope that my words don't come across as if I don't have compassion for your hurt. I promise you I know the pain you are feeling. I know when it hurts to just breathe because your heart is so broken. I understand the feelings of doubt when your whole world as you know it has been pulled out from under you. I get it, I really do. But one of the things I didn't do enough of for myself was to get a life of my own. I moped about living in a constant state of gloom just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was the Queen of pity parties Looking back now I can say "if only" because I will never ever again get that time back. Just because my Husband left, did not mean that my life was over. It was just different, but definately not over. Just because my Husband found "happiness" (and I use that word loosely) with another woman, didn't mean that I was a loser or that I had suddenly overnight become unattractive. Yes I needed to make changes. There were things about me that would make your toes curl especially during PMS week, but when MLC came knocking at my door I stood up and took notice. I did make alot of changes in my life but not enough. I hesitated too much and based decisions on fear. I was worried that if I did something then maybe my Husband would get angry and proceed with the divorce. Hindsight is 20/20 and I lost out big time by not doing enough for myself. I guess what I am trying to say is that if your spouse really is in MLC you have a 50/50 chance of them coming home again. Either way you must continue to live your life to the fullest without having any regrets. Sitting around in mourning over your WAS is just a waste of precious time. It takes oodles of time and patience and forgivness to recover from MLC so start working on the latter now. Even if they never come back work on forgivness. Don't become bitter and allow one more thing to take away from yourself and take up space in your head. Do something nice for yourself even if it means just taking a bubble bath or buying an ice cream cone. Stop punishing yourself with "if only's" and start living again.
Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes bolder, children get older I'm getting older too, well, I'm getting older too
One of the reasons we don't take risks is because we are afraid of failing. We remain stagnant and stop moving forward because of this.
We worry about other people and what they will think of us instead of trying to enjoy our lives. How many chances has you missed out on in your life because of fear? How many times in your life have you said "if only"?
Love your WAS from a distance, be kind, pray for them but do not waste any more time trying to figure out what they meant by what they said.
This is MLC, it is not easily understood, it doesn't make sense. Read all the books you want and arm yourself with knowledge but stop wasting the life you have been given on things you have no control over.
YBR, I so appreciate that you wrote this. I've been feeling this way too myself lately, regretful that I "wasted" so much time thinking I could change anything in his mind... and my XH and I are SO not reconciled! But I'm really happy alone..something I never thought I'd ever say.
I think it's lovely that you came back to say all of this. People said it to me when I began with all this, but I guess I didn't believe them. Perhaps the more people who say all of this, the better chance that newbies will take heed and take care of themselves first and foremost.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I, too have been feeling the regrets.... because I do see how much my reacting to the sitch, my pity parties, set me back quite aways.
Tell us more about yourself - I am interested in what you feel made your sitch turn around. Did you ever get around to GALing? When did you know that you had truly forgiven your H?
I am at that point where my H has gotten over wanting to be with OW and has realized that he cannot throw away his life, his family. He has decided to stay but along with it is the feeling of being stuck, because his values are telling him to stay even if he still has that longing for freedom. The last time we talked he still says that he does not feel love returning, and he does not actively want to work on the M. I get the sense that he wants his feelings for me to come naturally, not as a result of being forced by something. he does not recognize love as a choice.
However, life seems to grow more normal everyday.
The upside is that I no longer feel the fear of being abandoned. As a result, I feel more bold in GALing, but also it crosses my mind that it might be too late to make an impact. But since it is for me anyway, and not for him, I guess it doesn't really matter, what matters is that I live my life to the fullest.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Forgiveness doesn't happen right away, it takes time. It is a very slow process and has to be a very conscious decision, almost like a habit that you have to work on daily.
You will know when you have truly forgiven your spouse because your thinking process will change. You will no longer dwell on your situation or think about the OW.
None of that will matter anymore.
Many people make the assumption that they can't forgive until they receive an apology first. Obviously this is your choice, but until you can take the higher ground and allow this MLC stuff to stop consuming you there won't be a place in your heart for true forgiveness to happen.
I was just reading through some threads on here and the word that keeps popping up is CHANGE. We make the changes for us not for anyone else. Real changes take hard work they don't happen overnight. Stop worrying if your WAS notices just worry about yourself. I have a friend who never made any changes after her H left her. She was adamant that he was the one with all of the problems. Guess what? She is in a new relationship with the same issues as before and is now blaming her current boyfriend for the same things that her Ex was doing. I see a pattern here. Make those changes for yourself. Become a better you. Let go of the anger and the bitterness. Learn how to love yourself first. Do the damn work!! (Right Jack)?
Hmm.. I don't doubt for a second those are words of wisdom. What has me a little puzzled is that you are unknown. What name did you post under when you were here? Do you recall? Perhpas somebody recognizes you and would be happy to read about it?
Truth be told, you are right though.
As for your friend, keep watching. From what I've seen your friend may be learning even now. We keep learning until we're dead... Even if she is complaining about the same things her ex did, that's not the same as her ex having MLC and leaving. I've come to learn that those are two very different things.
We fix what we fix because we identify and change those things we don't like about us. That's not due to crisis even if the crisis started it. We do that all throughout our lives. We can't help that, but we can do it consciously and should if you ask me.
Humility is priceless in the bigger picture.
Letting go of the anger. How was it you did that? You mentioned you were the queen of pity parties and I assume much anger was there. What steps did you take? What did you do to release that anger?
Cheers,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The anger is a killer but the anger also fueled me to make those changes that were long overdue. There is nothing like having a fire under your butt to get you motivated
Accepting that the marriage was now dead and allowing myself to grieve and go through all of the motions of what that entailed.
Learning how to detach and not get sucked back into the drama of it all.
But all of this takes time, so much work and so much time.
And turning to God for answers instead of allowing myself to jump to conclusions.
Snodderly once told me that if I could learn to be still, the answers would fall into my lap. She was right.
But I will say that none of this happened overnight, it took weeks and months and one day I just seemed to wake up without crying and I started to feel better again.
