I'm so sad and don't know what to do anymore

[ayngl]

My husband and I seperated a year ago on our 1st year wedding anniversary. Monday Sept 5th was our 2 yr wedding anniversary. I read Divorce Remedy and talked to a coach beginning a month and half ago. Things seemed to be working out and we have been doing things together more often and talking more often. I really thought we were piecing and then he told me today he is relocating to the east coast for a job transfer. Only thing is his girlfriend who he started seeing this year in Feb. lives there. He has not told me about her but I found out about her because he goes there every weekend and I figured out where he goes. He does not know that I know about them. I guess its really over and I don't know what to do.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Ayn,

Just posted and it disappeared!!

okay so, we need more info.

how much contact have you two had this past year? What did he SAY were his reasons for wanting out of the marriage?

What did YOU DO in response?

In this past year, what have you personally changed in YOURSELF?

Do you accept that

your h has to believe marriage to you "from this day forward"

would be better than before,

or he won't return? You must understand that more of the same won't work. Neither will arguing to convince him that either the marriage was fine and he was happy but didn't know it'

or that he SHOULD have been happy OR that he should stay even if he's not happy.

None of those arguments work. Don't bother making them.

Also when you say things seemed to improve this past month, what did you mean?

And maybe you are right and things were improving, but he had made plans to transfer already... and now you are confusing him with good company and pleasant talks (I assume)

...keep doing that & build good memories...give him something to miss if he goes out there

b/c he won't love all of it.

(I'm from the east coast and the weather stinks, btw.)

What GAL things are YOU doing? And how about those 180s?

See my signature block. My h lived 300 miles away for a year and then 3000 miles away for a year...

We need way more info to help assess and advise.

But you are not alone.

And if you take the DB approach to your whole life and really apply it to all the relationships you have

and own your stuff, and work on it and improve and grow

you will come out of this a much more contented woman.

In sum, you will become a woman only a fool would leave.

[ayngl]

Thank you so much for responding soon 25yearsmlc. Here are answers to your questions. Since we seperated, he calls me 4-5 times a day. Its like it used to be except he does not live with me. About 2 months ago we started meeting 2-3 times a week. Before that it would take 2 or 3 weeks to meet. He used to be mean. But now he is friendly. When he comes to visit, he does not stay over. There has not been any sexual intimacy since we seperated because he did not want to. In July I found out that he had applied for a transfer. I thought it would not happen. His reasons for wanting out were because he was not happy living with me. He said I made his life a living hell which is true. I did and I regret so much. I wish I could do it over. He said he got depressed to the point of thinking of commiting suicide. Since he moved out, he is happier and never wants to go through that experience again. He says he loves me but cannot live with me. It almost cost him his life. I have changed the way I react to things and by letting things slide. I am no longer critical and I just enjoy his company. He does not believe that there will be much change if he moved back. He says he knows how I am and what bugs me. He says he can never make me happy. I've tried to reason with him about us but he is very stuck and stubborn in his decisions. He had already asked for a transfer before I started acting differently after reading Divorce Remedy. I thought he would tell them that he has changed his mind but he seems very excited about the move. He still has not filed for divorce yet but I'm thinking he will when he decides he wants to marry her or she pressures him to divorce me. He is so in love with her.

I am trying to GAL but it is difficult. I think I am a little depressed and I tried taking a class but could not focus. So I have wasted $600 by not doing it anymore until my mind is better. I keep doing the 180s by not being critical or negative or constantly trying to talk about the relationship like I used to.

Tonight we celebrated our 2 yrs of marriage by him coming to cook me the same dinner we had at our wedding. Even though he is leaving the marriage, he still did this. We went for a walk first and then grocery shopping and then cooked. Then he left.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi Anygi

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a club that nobody seems to want to belong to even though we've got some great members here.

25 asks a lot of great questions. The more information you can give us, the better we will be able to help you.

[ayngl]

Thank you for responding to my post. I replied a few days ago and my reply seems to have disappeared!

To answer your questions, my husband and I talk everyday and meet 2-3 times a week. Its like we are dating. The meetings increased 2 months ago thats why I thought we were reconciling. The conversations also improved then. Unfortunately he had already requested for a job transfer 2 months ago. I read Divorce Remedy 2 months ago and have been acting accordingly. I have felt so much happier with myself and the relationship since I read that book and talked to a coach. I wished and prayed that his long distance relationship would not progress and that our hanging out would continue growing. He agrees that we are doing so much better now and wishes things had not gotten so out of hand. He is still afraid to live with me because he thinks the bad things will happen again. I admit I was not very loving to him and I rejected, criticized, belittled and put him down all the time. I just never felt that I loved him enough. But after the seperation, I found out that I loved him alot. Now he says its too little too late. He has noticed positive changes in me and I've tried to tell him to give us a 2nd chance. But it seems he is so in love with OW. He is the type that falls in love easily and commits immediately. I feel I screwed up and should have acted differently in our marriage when I was angry. I'm so desperate right now wanting to hold on to him and praying for a miracle that can happen in 3 weeks so he gives us a chance. Even though we meet and talk all the time, we hug but he never wants sexual intimacy because he wants to avoid falling in love with me again as he says. I have tried to GAL by taking a class but have been unsuccessful because I can't concentrate anymore. It seems I wasted my tuition fee. I have access to his email and I see all the lovey dovey emails they send each other. He is so in love with her. He visits her every weekend but now he is moving in with her. He has not asked for a divorce yet but I guess I will be receiving that from him soon now once he engages her. I met him when he lived in another state and he moved to my state and we dated and got married. Now he is doing the same thing with OW. I wish I knew what to do to turn this around. I have suggested to him that we should now meet more often and do more things before he moves and he has agreed and says he understands that we should make the most of the time we have left. I just want to die. I don't know how I will handle it mentally on the day he lives. This has been the worst year of my life and I have so much REGRET for my actions that have caused this. I know he also acted badly too but I should have controlled my own actions and responses instead of kicking him out of our home in anger. At that time I thought a break away from living with each other would do us good. But he met this woman. At first I thought it is just a fling but it has turned out to be more. He is the type that falls in love easily and falls hard. He did that with me and I did not nurture it.

[ayngl]

Husband invited me to dinner and a movie yesterday which he cooked. I went because I don't know what else to do and I still love him. He has only 3 weeks left in our state before he moves. I guess I'm trying to making most use of our time together.

[ayngl]

Shall I serve him with divorce papers now before he goes to another address that I don't know? I really don't want to divorce him but I'm thinking it might get harder and more expensive if a process server has to find him. I'm so confused. Somebody give me some advice. There is only 3 weeks left and I'm desperate to do something. Or shall I just wait for him to file the divorce? I wish someone would advice me soon. I would rather save my marriage. Can you tell my confusion and hurt right now?

[gunny]

hello ayngl, sorry to hear about your sitch, I am in similar circumstances, it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Just know that there are other people here on the board pulling for you, hang in there,
Gunny
I am continually amazed at how helpful the people on this board are. Thank you all

[ayngl]

Hi Gunny,

Thank you for responding. Husband left today. I can't believe my marriage is over. I have now made myself open to meeting and dating. This mysery has been going on for 1 yr and it has to stop. One positive thing that has come out of this is that I have learnt what mistakes not to make next time. The sad part is that I want to be married and have children and that dream is slowly fading away. How are you handling your situation?

[CharlesR]

Hi ayngl,

My W moved out over a month ago and said she needed space to figure out how she feels. Recently i was told that she wants to go forward with the divorce and says there is no turning back.

I am in a similar situation as you. It is hard to focus on anything and when I find any small opening of light it quickly gets covered over by thoughts of negativity and a ton of anxiety. I find talking to friends and family helps, but doesn't take care of the problem. The only way I find mental sanity at the moment is to just get up and out of the house and "try" to do things that I enjoy in life. This is extremely hard since joy is a difficult feeling to deal with when you feel hurt and lost.

For me this is like learning to walk again... One step at a time until I am fully in control of my body and mind.