Punches??What punches?

[Redo]

Journaling....
I find my updates becoming less frequent. Part of the growing process i guess. But i also find myself sinking again into depression. Fell off the wagon on my exercise. Need to get my life back again...

I wonder if all my dull feeling of last week was a harbinger of things to come. Just heard from my dad that my Aunt passed away. It has been less than a year that my grandfather passed away. She was his primary caregiver.

Feeling a little numb and guilty. Guilty because I am not overcome with this sudden emotional loss that i should have felt after learning about death. She was such a nice woman. She was the thread that keeps my dad's side of the family together. I knew my mom's side more than my dad's side. I only came to know her better a decade ago. And liked her more after knowing her more. So why dont i feel this loss?? I know for a fact that if my mom's sister passed away (my other aunt), I would have lost it...

Numb because i never took time to get to know my own family. I was so caught up living life and struggling with just being able to live harmoniously with my wife that i let all relationships with my family take a backseat. It was easier as they were also 6000 miles away.

Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it...staying so far away from your loved ones. But i do have a loved one now. My daughter. And i love her more than anyone else. So how do i weigh the choices?, staying close to my family but far from my daughter or vice versa. It is hard.

Our lives are so fragile. One tiny bump by fate and we are gone for ever. Yet our ego is so strong we succumb ourselves to its machinations...

Okay, stopping before i ramble too much.

[alamo76]

Sorry, Karma...my condolences to you and your family. What you're feeling, from what I can tell, is pretty normal. You're grieving, and feeling guilty and all is alright.

Just remember to take care of yourself and don't let these emotions hinder your recovery and your dealings with your wife.

Curious, what did you mean by falling off the wagon on your exercise?

[JustStunned]

KD, ”Need to get my life back again...”

So how will you go about doing that? Don’t tell us, get up and do it, then tell us. Small steps.

Alamo is right, it certainly sounds as though you are grieving and that is perfectly normal. We need to feel these emotions to process them. We need to process them and move forward.

Stagnating, wallowing, pining only serves to drag us down. When we permit this to happen we slowly die. You are too d@mm good to allow that to happen.

Put together an action plan, execute a few steps of it and post back here. You’ve done this before and from farther down the abyss than where you are now.

Borrowing from 2Step.
You are standing in the door. Don’t look down. The ground will come!

[KenF]

I think we numb ourselves to ease our own pain, its a survival technique, a new threshold to pain. but since we cant do it only on specific aspects of our lives, it tends to numb everything around it too. so when we have a loss like you did, its hard to feel it correctly.

i think what you're feeling, the lack of feeling, is normal considering the circumstances.

while i can be very analytic about feelings and emotions, I have an overall numbness to them, yet i'll tear up during commercials.

[Redo]

Thanks Y'all for stopping by. I really appreciate it.

I too put much effort into making my marriage work, changing my life to suit his, I lost a lot on the way.

So true...

[Redo]

wow, it's been a really loooong time i posted here.
I thought i'd take a break.

BITs, need some help and feedback...

Last time in my sitch wife suggested we see a counselor. I said yes and started to look for one in my town. Then she changed her mind and said no it it. I tried to convince her that it might help us if we visit a counselor. Then she suggested that i see the counselor in her town to which i agreed. Then she changed her mind again and said that she did not want to see one.

So at this time we are in a limbo. She paused the divorce because of her family pressure. But apparently she is terrified to come back. She also told me that she does not want to move back to our town or the house.

I have managed to open some communication lines with her parents. So my MIL calls up today suggesting me to tell my wife that i would plan on moving to her hometown. MIL thinks that way wife can keep her job and daughter can continue to go to the school she is now.

That basically means uprooting myself from a job that pays 3 times as much, selling the house and letting go of all the friends that i made in this town. All because wife feels that our old friends will judge her.

Sad part is that i am even ready for that. Except that wife did not even tell me this. She is too scared to think of all this apparently. She still continues to feel like a victim.

I feel that if i move to wife's hometown, then i might lose respect for myself. Thats because wife has shown 0 interest in making the relationship work.
But then again i feel this urge to make this one final sacrifice on behalf of my relationship.

I'd love to hear your take on this. Thanks!

[jbnati]

MK - I was going to say unequivocally "no", don't move until I read this:

But then again i feel this urge to make this one final sacrifice on behalf of my relationship.

How strong is this urge?

You have to decide what's right for YOU. If you can make the move without losing your self respect, maybe you could consider it. But there's a lot of questions. Would there any committment whatsoever from your W to work on the M? What if you moved back and she still showed zero interest in working on the M? Does your W even want you to move? Or is just your MIL? If it were me, I think there would need to be a long, long talk with your W and some strong committment to work on the M before I would even consider it. Just MVHO.

[JustStunned]

MK, think about these statements:

I feel that if i move to wife's hometown, then i might lose respect for myself.

Will you? What drives that thought?

Thats because wife has shown 0 interest in making the relationship work.

We all like validation. Self respect comes from within and does not need validation. It is based on how you feel about your actions and how those actions fit within your core values.

Have you defined your core values?

But then again i feel this urge to make this one final sacrifice on behalf of my relationship.

If sacrifice accurately describes how you view this action think long and carefully about it. Weigh the potential risks against the potential gains.

Do you have expectations here?

How easily are you hurt if expectations are not met?

How does taking this action improve your situation? Work to your strengths. Use them to improve your situation. Let go of your expectations and execute actions that affirm who and what you are at your core.

[Redo]

Jbnati, JS : Thanks so much for chiming back.

Everytime i interact with my wife i see for any signs that might tell me that she would love to get back. I see some of them i have to admit. But at the same time, she feels that she is so entitled to feel like i have wronged her and so it is my duty to go begging back.

As a person i did not even know that i never had respect for myself until wife left. Now i realize what and who i am. And yes, there is 0 indication from wife that she would work on the marriage if i moved back. This is all MIL (or it could be my wife telling my MIL to convey these to me). Honestly i have come to really dislike her victimhood attitude. I guess i am waiting for her to talk directly to me and express herself, which she has not done.

I guess for now i'll let status quo stay and just work on myself.

[MrBond]

Tell your MIL that as much as you'd like to, you can't because of the reasons you specified. Reiterate the fact that you love and miss your son very much and would like to reconcile with your W, but she's got alot of junk to go through personally.

If you move and it doesn't "snap" her out of her funk, you will be left with nothing. That's not a good example for your son.