I sent MIL flowers

[verycrazy]

Yeah, 25, I give MrBond credit for making good points, too. Sometimes, I think he keeps a stack of 2x4's in his truck.
Personally, I think rysmom, you should call your H, and ask to meet with him to discuss things. Filing is a choice, doing nothing is a choice, heck there may be other choices you haven't even looked at. I know you are scared, and I know you have several times said you were going to file after getting upset. I can't tell you which of those choices is best for you. However, I do believe you should talk to your H.

vc

[MrBond]

Thanks VC.

Rysmom I agree with vc. At the very least you need to talk to your H about finances. You don't need to condemn him and his actions, just discuss your concerns. Right now that seems to be the biggest worry for you.

If he refuses to acknowledge it, then you take the steps to protect yourself. It could be legal, it could be getting another job. Anything is better than nothing and living with the fear that you will be thrown into the street while your H can wave at you from his Bentley.

[25yearsmlc]

rysmom

the conversation at your end can be less than 4 sentences. Get information FROM HIM

and find out what the heck is going on and tell him your concerns (BRIEFLY) wihtout judgement. Something like "how are "WE" affording this car?

Is there enough money for ME to keep the house and son to go to college?

How so? Where is it? When can I access it....

if he hems and haws or pulls that stressed out act with you,

(sadly, it'll be OW he returns to afterwards, for comfort).

He knows you had history with mil and that's good. So a comforting hug in this limited circumstance would have been fine.

I'm confused why you didn't do it. Did you think it would be pursuit? Well,

You can hug and SAY "I hope she gets better"....to make it clearly a compassionate hug and not pursuit or neediness.

But back to you and son's needs...

If he whines about all the stress and his mom is sick and he's got blah blah blah
but only if it goes like that,


YOU Say, something like "h, I get that, but that's your responsibility.

My responsibility is making sure son and I don't end up on the streets. I have to protect son and myself.

So Please provide me with regular reliable access to this money, so I don't have to "ask" you or worse, file for a court order..."


This way you are not bringing up the rolls royce ( I find that almost laughably mentally ill

IF your fears of money are on point) and you aren't bringing up his OW and lavish lifestyle...just saying what YOU NEED and will do to protect those needs....

Make sense?

[rysmom]

what do you mean by laughably mentally ill? H is back on payment schedule with son and i. h was going to help me get another used car cuz mine is getting old, not a rolls royce though, its a sensible car that will last me the next 5 yrs with a warranty.

[verycrazy]

Rysmom, I think 25 was being sarcastic, because most middle class folks don't go out and buy that sort of car. We usually make do with Toyotas and Fords. You have to understand 25's sense of humor. Plus she went to Auburn, so need I say more?

Yes, let H buy you another car. See if he'll let you go car shopping with him.

I am glad to hear H is back on a payment schedule with you, because the uncertainty of not knowing when or if you would get support is really stressful.

Have a good night, girl.

vc

[MrBond]

Again, how do you plan to pay for it when your H is driving you bankrupt? And you say you're just happy that he's sending payments again. What happens if they stop AGAIN? What will you do then? Do you have anything to fall back on or are you still dependent on your H? You are extremely codependent on him emotionally, financially, etc.

[25yearsmlc]

VC and Bond both have points...

(VC how dare you!! --we have to start a thread of our own I guess )

But yes Rysmom, I say it's mentally ill (of your h) to buy ANYONE a Rolls Royce IF what you say about him being close to bankruptcy is true.

I mean, it's just over the top weird to do that.

Cars don't appreciate in value, they depreciate. It's not "an investment"

so how can a guy spending like a drunken sailor -by your previous description about how "addicted" he is with spending--buy a rolls royce? Yes I stand by my claim that it's mentally ill and I find it laughable, but also sad).

And as glad as I am that he is PRESENTLY paid up, I think Bond's point and VC's is that you can at least write up something to say when/how much so you can RELY on that.

If the only way is a court order pursuant to filing for a divorce, then either do it for real

or

file an order for interim support for a pending divorce, and hold off on finalizing it. But get something enforceable!

As usual, I defer to your L's advice on how best to protect yourself.

But simply pretending "all is well now" b/c he's up to date, as of this day, is living in denial and NOT protecting yourself.

[verycrazy]

Hey, rysmom, just checking in to see how you are doing.

vc

[rysmom]

im ok how r u? preparing paper work to bring to acct. fri, have to do that before i go to lawyer. h is out today with ow driving around in his bentley it really hurts me.

[verycrazy]

Hey, girl, I am fine today. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt over H. They can be such arses, can't they? How did you know?

Were you able to find out any alternative to filing? Or is this a preliminary meeting with L?

I wholeheartedly support your wanting to stand for your M, I would just like to see you do more of the things DB recommends. I don't believe they are at all one size fits all, so what may work for one may not work for someone else. Have you had any more sessions with a DB coach? Is there anything she recommended that you could do? I really think more personal contact with you H is something you should do. You've had a bit of that recently, and it wasn't awful for you. How is your S doing? Still working with his F since school has started?

Well, got to go feed the beasts, have a nice evening, rysmom.

vc