Ooops, sorry about that. I meant within the sitch.... it makes sense that in many cases, an S comes about because the sitch has become unbearable and leaving, whether permanently or temporarily, is actually a reprieve from having the source of your pain constantly in your presence. The physical distance may actually help the detachment process, and also help both parties realize a few things. In Alb's case, she is grateful for that time, and is re-adjusting to having her H back. In my case, I haven't had the benefit of a reprieve, and had to call up resources to distance myself from the pain and toxicity and avoid the downward spiral I was caught in, while trying my best to keep us together.
I am not trivializing the dissoultion of the M, and know fully well of the pain that causes - and that is why we are all because fighting here to save our M's, and ourselves.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
This last week or so has actually been really good. We went on a short road trip and had a great time. I've become way more patient than I used to be and I think H has had no choice but to become the same way. Therefore, where I think we may have fought at times, we simply don't. H has been struggling with his anxiety issues for some time now. I'm not sure if it's that or just MLC in general or what, but even though he's been home, he hasn't really been taking over some of the "guy" duties that he once had. So I've continued mowing the lawn, taking out the trash etc. Here recently though, it's started bothering him. It's like he's starting to open his eyes and see that I'm doing this stuff. Before, he wouldn't even notice the lawn got mowed. The last time I put the trash out, he got kind of grumpy (with himself not me) and requested that that be HIS job now and that I please not do it. I agreed. However, the next trash day, he slept late, the trash truck came by and it was really frustrating for me to see the trash truck drive away and not do anything. But I kept my part of the bargain. However, when he awoke, I calmly told him that he's put me in a difficult situation. He's requested that only HE do the trash, yet, the trash isn't getting done. I asked him what I should do. He took it well and simply said that he will do better. And he has. The next time, he gathered everything the night before (but then forgot to put it out on the curb!). But the FOLLOWING time, he actually got up, and put it out. And even texted me to let me know since I was already at work. Same with the lawn (although for some reason he only did the front, not the back). So progress albeit, slow.
Our R seems to be a bit deeper lately too. He's seemed way more affectionate and has, on many occasions, thanked me for not giving up on him and telling me I'm pretty great. I'm not sure, but it seems like his anxiety issues are much less lately too. I may be wrong and he may just be doing a better job of hiding them. I may ask him. But it seems like he's starting to realize that he hasn't jumped back into the same marriage. Just the other day, he asked if we could have a fight just so he could see if we can still have one. What he meant by that is that since we are relating to each other on a much different level, our disagreements tend to get talked out rather than fought out. And I think that is continuously surprising him. I told him I wasn't about to fight with him and to get the hell out of my face. JK!
Anyhow, we are getting set to go on a one week cruise. He's been toying with the idea of doing scuba diving but keeps going back to the fact that D isn't certified so he can't go. I keep reminding him that we are allowed to have fun separately. I think that type of thinking has really held him back in a lot of ways and he's struggling with being "allowed" (by himself not by me) to do fun stuff without feeling like he's abandoning us. So it'll be interesting to see how he works that kind of stuff out.
As for my family, my mom finally asked me yesterday if my H had moved back. I simply haven't told anyone. That's how much I DON'T tell my family. But I guess she started to realize that he seemed to be at the house a lot and he has started calling her up more. His move back was pretty shaky and I wasn't sure it would stick. So I didn't bother telling anyone. I guess I feel a little better about it although I still have my moments of doubt. Anyhow, onward and upwards.....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Back from our cruise. It was amazing. We had a great time. I think H continues to find it strange how we just don't really fight much anymore. I used to blow up at stupid little things which caused him to often walk on eggshells. I feel like I can rationally discuss things now and it just works so much better.
In a strange way, this whole MLC event resulted in me being able to enjoy something like a cruise SO much more. We've cruised in the past. And I never considered doing anything unless we did it together. So there would be lots of things that I was interested in that I never did. This time, if H took a nap, I was out doing whatever I wanted. I owe my thanks to learning how to GAL and detachment.
H seemed very relaxed throughout the entire trip. And very affectionate. He told me many times that he really likes taking trips with me. We talked about cruising again, but with my parents next time since they've never taken a cruise.
Once at home, we both promptly posted pics on FB and he posted many pics of the two of us. That was a first since we really haven't had much pictures taken of the two of us in a loooong time. I made my pics available to "friends of friends" since a lot of H's friends might want to see. What I found interesting is that it appears x-OW unblocked me on FB. I'm not sure why. But as a result, she can probably see both of our pics since we still have a mutual friend (not H). She is still in contact with a lot of H's coworkers and may have known about the cruise. Maybe that's why she unblocked me? Who knows. In the end, it doesn't matter.
As we were just chilling at the house last night, it kind of struck me how comfortable I feel at home now. When H first moved back, things were very uncomfortable. I'd gotten used to living on my own, as had he. And finding our groove again has taken some time. Plus he was having major anxiety issues all the time. I haven't really seen any major issues lately. He seemed slightly off last night but our house still has a lot of extra furniture (due to his moving back) that he needs to deal with. He's said it causes his some anxiety. Before, it was because he'd question whether he was doing the right thing by moving back. Now it seems it's more just pissing him off that stuff is still out of place.
So it's back to the grind and soon enough, D will be back in school. I've tried to make vague attempts to figure out what H wants to do for our anniversary, but I haven't really gotten anywhere. Last year, he was in the midwest with the OW while I dealt with the very difficult day. So this time, it seems weird in a way. Not sure whether to go all out or go low key. I almost wish we could just have some other day be our anniversary now. Ah well. For now, I'll be thankful for what I have and we'll see what happens!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
So happy for u Alb. Wishing u continued happiness. Remember things take time. Don't push.....slow and consistent!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So things continue to progress slowly. Following our cruise, life kind of went back to normal. But normal is a changing thing. About a week after getting back, H and I had an emotional discussion. During which time, a milestone occurred. He finally said ILY. I have purposefully not said it to him although lately, it was hard not to. I realized myself that we had grown apart in many ways. But as our R has matured, I had a hard time not saying it. So I'd throw it in an occasional email so that he wouldn't feel obligated to say it right back. But during our conversation, he said it and apologized for it taking so long for him to realize it. He said a lot of things that evening, some of which I posted in an alternate post because I thought it was rather interesting. The most profound statement he made was when discussing his time away. He said,
You showed me that you didn’t need me in your life. And you showed me that you were enjoying your life without me. And it STUNG.
Although it was an emotional discussion, I still tried to keep my composure. I know that much of this MLC journey has made me some what of a cynic. While I don't disbelieve anything he says, I also know that he said many similar expressions of love shortly before dropping the bomb. So a part of me is always on guard. Something I just need to work on I suppose.
A few days after that conversation, we had another one. This one was after drinks and both of us were not in a state where we should be having conversations like that. Nevertheless, we did. And some things came out in such a way that kind of kicked me in the face slightly. He still has a lot of MLC issues he's dealing with. In a lot of ways, he feels insignificant in the world. A lot of despair. And he said that he was at home because it was the right thing to do. But he just has so much despair. That was a stark contrast to the previous conversation of "ILY and I'm glad I'm with you blah blah blah". It was a bit upsetting to me because once again it started to seem like he had "settled" for us and our marriage and our family rather than genuinely WANTING to be here.
The next morning, he sent me very flirtatious texts while I was at work and I had a hard time knowing how to respond. It was sweet but it felt weird given the previous night's conversations. He sensed my awkwardness and asked if everything was OK and if he was being inappropriate. I told him that he wasn't being inappropriate, it was just weird to hear him say that he's unhappy in life, is only around out of duty, has pretty much given up on finding happiness, but let's fool around later because I like you a lot. At that point, he admitted that he didn't remember a whole lot of specifics about the previous night's conversation but that if that was the gist of what he said, then he said it very badly and we should probably discuss things while sober.
We never had a formal conversation after that, but in brief conversations he's said he's glad to be home and that he wouldn't do it out of a sense of duty. He came back because of the changes he saw in me. Without that he would not have returned. The fact that it's the right thing to do just makes it that much better. So like always, a continuing work in progress.
Another milestone that happened recently is that finally most of the furniture that's been laying around the house from his apartment has gotten somewhat put away. From the beginning, I chose NOT to put his stuff away because I sensed that it caused him a lot of anxiety. Anytime he would work towards putting stuff away, he freaked out. He was questioning his decision to move back for quite some time. And as you may recall, he spent many nights at a hotel due to his anxieties. But fortunately, that's all in the past. The stuff was starting to bug him no longer due to anxieties but because it was just in the way. While I was working last weekend, he got the house looking quite good. We still have a lot of stuff in the garage that we'll probably end up selling, but its WAY better than it was.
He still has his occasional anxiety attacks. In fact he had one while we were having our drunk discussion. The difference that I saw is that before, he seemed to get beat down and really succumb under pressure to those attacks. This time, he was clearly having one, but he didn't really acknowledge it all that much and seemed to have a "I'm gonna kick this anxiety attack's ass" mentality rather than "this attack is kicking my ass" mentality. So slow progress.
On another note, the xOW still definitely has me on her mind. As I mentioned, she unblocked me once we returned from our cruise which meant she could definitely see the pics I posted. Shortly after that, she reblocked me. Only to change her mind once again and now I'm not blocked. She shares a name with my sister in law so anytime I enter the name in FB to go to my sister in law's page, she either shows up or she doesn't. That's why it's so apparent. I don't know and haven't asked how much contact H continues to have with her. I thought about asking during our conversations but it didn't seem right. I DO know that one of the first things I noticed prior to H dropping the bomb was that he put a passcode on his phone. He's had it on there for about a year and a half. But recently I noticed he no longer has it. Yet another sign that he's feeling more at home at home I suppose.
Our anniversary is exactly one month from today. I still haven't discussed plans with him and to be honest it feels weird given how weird and unmentioned last year's anniversary was. It's probably best to keep the plans small and see what happens!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I am sorry I haven't been on the boards much and didn't see your post until just now.
I am happy to see that things are progessing, although slowly. progress is progress in my book! when you mentioned you have become cynical, I get it! God I get it! It is hard to get excited about any kind of progress or things they say, when tomorrow it could be different OR it's like they never even said it. Keeping on our guard is how we survive this MLC - it is a form of protection. I can't wait for the day when I no longer feel the need to constantly protect myself from more hurt.
Had a great time in Boston - you need to call me when you have time so I can tell you all about it!
Yesterday, I had a meeting with one of my radio reps that I haven't seen in at least 8 months and at the end of our meeting she said, "TAMF you are beautiful, stunning. That spark of life is back and I am so happy for you."
That comment coming from someone that hasn't seen my progress over a period of time meant the world to me. the smile never left my face yesterday.
I see that you have that spark back too. love and hugs! ttysoon!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
