Grace, I think this is the bounce from my very bad low several weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a trampoline. It does seem to be losing its elasticity though LOL.
I agree completely with your assessment of knowing yourself better while being more tolerant of others. When we accept that we are human, we have to accept that everyone else is as well. That was a part of my rather easy mid-life transition a decade ago, and one of the reasons I love being the age I am right now. I feel so much more settled in myself. It's a shame that H doesn't as well. I hope he gets there.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
This is my thread. It has been inactive for a long time. <sigh>
In the interim, H and I have managed one D's awesome doctoral graduation weekend, and other D's perfect wedding weekend with kindness to each other, focus on our children, and absolutely no conflict. That is huge in the great scheme of things, but I admit it also troubles me. I simply do not understand how we can be so successful in our common goals, but so unsuccessful otherwise. He has made his decisions, and it is what it is, but I do struggle with why two people why so obviously care about each other and their children can not work things out between them.
<sigh>
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink you have posted to me with kindness and wisdom on occasions. As you know MLC is a peculiar thing, and although there are great similarities, there are great variations.
Your H does still care about you, but MLC is also characterised by great confusion and unhappiness on their part. I do not know how long you have been dealing with this, and whether there is [still] an OW
My xh now seems much more at peace with himself, and phoned me recently to discuss our middle son. A huge step forward We talked for a couple of hours - I hadn't spoken to him in well over a year, except briefly in court when our divorce was finalised. I know it will take him a while to process all of this.
I think he is gradually trying to reconnect with his family, and looking at the damage, but it is very very painful for him. I am not sure he even knows he is trying to do it.
If your husband is like this, admitting he might have got it wrong is tough. They are much more fragile than we are - if they weren't they would not have had a MLC. And while they have been in lalaland, we have been working on ourselves.
Reread Holly's threads - her h and she interacted for a very long time, with retreats from him, but I gather they are gradually working back together again. The road back, if they choose to start on it, isn't easy, however smooth and paved we try to make it. What are pebbles to us look like boulders to them, I believe.
but I do struggle with why two people why so obviously care about each other and their children can not work things out between them.
I have pondered this for a long time. I think my H thinks he wants to be friends, thinks he's doing what's best for D's and since they are 19 and 16 feels like it's "his turn". To be happy and do whatever strikes his fancy.
Like your H, he clearly cares for his kids and wants to be part of their accomplishments. Like you, I can be kind. In truth, I do know why we could not work things out between us and sadly it is not in my power to do anything about it. In some respects he may never see the damage. I know he is not capable of seeing the changes.
I do wish him peace and I want to want to wiah him happiness. Mostly, I am grateful in a strange and twisted way. All of this has allowed a depth of intimacy with my D's (brought on by some pretty ugly circumstances) that I know I would not have otherwise.
I still miss what we had and while I don't really understand all the why's, I don't feel the need to anymore.
Beatrice, my H's crisis began a little over 4 years ago, and he has been gone almost 3 years. My gut says that OW is no more -- he has been obvious about being in town most weekends for the last few months -- but I suspect he is at least dating.
I do not believe my H has even seen the damage yet, let alone faced it. His choices have affected my life in many more ways than just leaving me without a partner. Some are good, some not so good, but I do not believe he sees past just the leaving part. Perhaps he doesn't want to. And yes, I think that pride may make it very difficult for him to accept the fact that when he made his choices, he also chose certain things for those who knew and loved him best, things that they may not have chosen for themselves.
Grace, my question was mostly rhetorical, borne of too much musing on a very quiet holiday weekend. i don't know that even H knows the answer, and it wouldn't change anything anyway. Are you willing to share the reason you and your H could not work things out between you?
Thanks for your continuing spport, ladies. i really am doing fine, and am grateful everyday for the positives in my situation. Getting back to work tomorrow should keep my mind more productively occupied LOL!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
First of all, congrats to you on your daughter's doctorate and on the other daughter's wedding.
And I am so glad, Twink, that you and your h were able to enjoy both days.
It happens, though, doesnt it? When you are together and getting along and among family and you say to yourself, if we can share days like this, what the heck is the problem?
I know you know the answer, as do I. But sometimes it does make you think.
Unfortunately, there isnt anything we can do about it.
I figured it was rhetorical. Just thinking out loud on you thread I think.
As to why my H and I could not work things out, it comes down to his indifference to me. I can work with anger, fear, he11 any emotion, but when there's no emotion at all, there's nothing. And I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to inspire any.
It got to the point where he wouldn't even talk about D's with me. He might join in a convo with us, but even given some of D16's serious struggles, he was not open to discuss it.
I have always wondered if he was a WAS vs MLC. Perhaps he was and I was just slow on the uptake.
How sad, Grace. I see what you mean. Thanks for sharing. And thanks for helping me see yet one more positive in my situation. My H is not indifferent to us, but he is far from being really engaged either.
Brooklyn, thanks, as always, for your quiet support.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
