I am worried that you might start to explode back when the ex does something crazy. You might feel better, but what will that do to your kids? Try to be the bigger person and leave her to her own craziness. If you join in, that just makes both of your crazy and the kids have to witness it (and they will feel it / get wind of it, even if it doesn't happen in their presence).
I have to tell you - I was one of the worst-effected people on here - two short stints in the mental hospital as I fought suicidal thoughts because I just wanted the pain to stop, and debilitating anxiety attacks, plus PTSD. I am almost 5 years post-bomb, and 3 years post-divorce. It took me about 1.5 - 2 years post-divorce to really come back to myself completely - it takes more time than anyone wants to admit, but it does come. Color came back into my world, I am happy, my kids are great...
To get here, I had to go no-contact. Everything went through email only, and only about the kids (even business/money went through the lawyers for quite a while). It was the only thing that worked to give me the space to heal.
To get here, I had to go no-contact. Everything went through email only, and only about the kids (even business/money went through the lawyers for quite a while). It was the only thing that worked to give me the space to heal.
It is funny, but I am reaching the point of having to go no contact again. We can't have a rational conversation because he constantly drags up the past as well as whining about the settlement. It is all over and done with and he cannot move on. I had what may be the stupidest conversation with him tonight and it frustrates me because that's 20 minutes of my life I can't get back. He actually accused me of having an affair 15+ years ago which never happened....but he has accused me of before, probably to justify his own actions. It is laughable....I had to hang up because it was so ridiculous....and this is 3+ years since our divorce.
So the actual divorce is not a magic decree that makes thing better. In my case the crazy continues and I realize I have to disengage.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
BND, I think, by and large, that our ex's don't do a lot of work on themselves (hence the split and run rather than sticking things out). So in many ways, they are exactly where they were when things exploded, stuck in time, with no or little growth.
I can speak to Chuck on the phone occasionally, now, but centered around kids' activities, etc. I recently tried to have a conversation with him about something he did that made my daughter feel stuck in the middle, but it only proved that we obviously still do not experience reality or values in the same way, so I just hung up. Better to have a shared electronic calendar and keep it at that. I'm glad that I live in my world/reality and not his!
you know...nothing says you can't say what you want to say NOW...if you say what you want or need to say in a diplomatic manner...it can be said.
I learned that there is power in my own words and I AM ALLOWED to express my opinions. I am not a horribly wicked person (I mean I CAN be but I am not usually one) and so when I have been treated like crap, it has been very important for me to acknowledge that and say it isn't OK instead of just sucking it up.
I reply in an even tone and a diplomatic manner that what the person is doing or saying is not appropriate and it is not something I deserve and they can treat me with respect and if they don't, I will chose to walk away and not take their crap.
you know...nothing says you can't say what you want to say NOW...if you say what you want or need to say in a diplomatic manner...it can be said.
Yes, it can be said, but sometimes there is just no point because it falls on deaf ears. He will never admit any responsibility in the failings in his life but will choose to lay it all on me. So I need to not engage at all. And the irony of the situation is he is hurling baseless accusations at me and feeling self-righteous and if I wanted to I could present him with cold, hard evidence. The evidence I held back and never wanted to use because of how it would effect the kids. Sadly I did, and still do, make an effort to preserve his image for them beause of the damage it would do to them. And I know he bad-mouths me at every turn. But that is his failing as a human being, I won't make it mine. I try to keep all the ugliness away from the kids.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I don't disagree that taking the high road is usually the right thing to do. I have taken the high road most of the time. If I choose to engage, she will come back twice as mean. It is no different from when we were married. She would yell, I would placate because I knew if I spoke my mind, she would just come back harder...
With that said, I think there is some therapy somewhere in here if "WE(all of us in this thread)" finally say our opinions without fear of retribution. i have lived in fear the last 3 years of her taking the kids away, asking for more money, etc....Well, hopefully in a couple days, I don't have to be afraid anymore. I am sure as you all have demonstrated, that the craziness doesn't end after the divorce and that you end up having to still be the bigger person in most discussions...
I know I will end up doing that more often than not, however, I am not standing down anymore with her. The kids are completely oblivous to any of our discussions. That is one area we do well in is how we handle issues with our sons.
Donna--I am glad to hear you are doing better. I was good for along time and imploded myself back in March. Doing much better now...
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
"The kids are completely oblivous to any of our discussions."
They really aren't. She threw the stuff out the car window in the parking lot, in front of other people? The kids know that the halves that made them are now at war, and it is very hard on them, wether they show you that or not.
I wouldn't be afraid of her, I would just ignore her completely. She will never, ever, see your side of things or point of view. I had to keep telling myself, "You can't make sense of non-sense."
I don't disagree with you that the kids see mommy and daddy aren't very friendly right now. They can probably just feel the tension. I do know someday that will change. And yes, it will be me making the change to act more cordial...
I am very congnizant of not arguing in front of the kids. That is my boys biggest issue is that we don't argue.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
I am fortunate in that I don't have to deal with the boys' dad...ever really...except just recently in court
however
when they have asked about him I tell them the truth
he is a sick person who is unhappy with himself and so couldn't manage to take care of himself. nothing that they did or did not do could change that and no medicine or therapy he got could change that about him
it doesn't mean he doesn't love them in his own way
it means that he can't show them in the ways they want to be shown
I have never bad-mouthed him but I have not made him into a hero either especially not at my expense
I don't expect anything I ever say to him to make a difference and I don't expect he will ever change his opinion of himself or of me...he sees himself as a victim and I am the evil bad guy
I wonder why you are afraid of her... how could she get more money from you or take more time away from you and the kids?
how can you telling the truth (in a diplomatic and rational manner) make any of those things happen
