I'm noticing some things about myself in regards to MM. Any little discrepency in anything she says makes me think "Is she trushworthy?" Little things like telling me she wasn't using Celebrex and the next week she told my co-worker she was. Now, of course, things change in a week, people change their minds etc. But my first thought is of distrust. Yesterday she told me that her client knew she was leaving and apparently the client didn't know. Now, she'd have no reason to lie about that, I've never expressed an opinion one way or the other.I'm willing to concede it was a communication thing. But once again I thought "is she trustworthy?" Due to her accent I'm sometimes lost in a conversation or misunderstand a word or two. It's a frequent challenge. Why the distrust over such minor incidents? I think "what if she's just a pathological liar!" No blowing things out of proportion there lol. I guess because I was betrayed by someone I trusted more than life itself and react strongly when I sense maybe, just maybe it'll happen again. Of course, bottom line is I have to watch what she tells me and confront misunderstandings and if there are frequent instances take that into account as to whether I want to be with her. I feel vulnerable and scared when these thoughts came up. How do you know someone is trustworthy? She's also from a culture where people are far less open than we are. So what is a cultural reluctance to discuss certain things versus hiding something? And of course, I always have Mom's words ringing in my ears "Don't let her suck you in!" Thanks Mom, go team go. Just thinking out loud.
And of course, I always have Mom's words ringing in my ears "Don't let her suck you in!" Thanks Mom, go team go.
Ha ha - did your mom say that about Voldemort?
I'm with you on the suspicion thing, Wii - after we've been through our experiences with the WAS, I think we tend to be hyper-vigilant about our new dates. I'm struggling with that a bit right now - how much of the stuff with the guy I've been dating is honest-to-god red flags that I should be paying attention to, and how much might be me being so paranoid that I am reading too much into things?
I wouldn't make much of the Celebrex thing (either you or the coworker might have misunderstood, or maybe she didn't want to admit to you that she was taking medication of any sort - although Celebrex seems an odd thing to be embarrassed about, still). Lying about the client seems like a bit more of a red flag, but again - could there be a communication problem related to her accent? Maybe the client misunderstood her?
I'd say, don't freak about any of it, just sit back and watch. If a pattern emerges, you'll see it. People will usually show you who they are if you can just sit back and watch.
To add to the above, there was one instance where I came outside on break and found her talking on her cell phone. I stepped away and gave her space but overheard bits of the conversation and it sounded like someone she cared about. So when she hung up I said "Oh was that your son?" and she didn't respond, I continued with "I guess it couldn't be, it would be 2:30 am over there" She said "No, it's Saturday night there. My son is up with his friends cooking in my Mom's kitchen. I told him to clean up when he was finished." My initial thoughts were that there was a man she hadn't bothered to mention. Trust...hmm, a tough one for me.
Tread carefully, Wii. It's tough as I usually trust first but in this case it should be the other way around. Pragmatic and it s*cks.
Other than that, what's up in the Wii sphere? The NH sphere has adapted to his lessened circumstance and my employer will be giving me help in "redefining my career goals". Can't wait.
Thanks NH and KML. I honestly think I would be hyper-vigilant with any woman right now, Filipino or otherwise. I don't believe she has some guy stashed away, it was her son. He usually calls her around noon each day but her response that he was up late because it was Saturday night made sense. They were discussing food. I think it was just the pause that got me. Again, she was probably thinking about their conversation. The Celebrex thing, well. She doesn't like to take it and probably goes on and off, no big deal. The client issue, again she had no reason to tell me something untrue. She had been telling me up to then the client didn't know and again, I have no position either way. Communication can be an issue in cross-cultural R's. I remember with Voldemort, she wouldn't get certain phrases, if I said something sarcastically she would take it literally. She also had to take something said to her in English, then translate it into Cantonese and then re-translate her reply into English. It's complicated and words get missed. My favourite is when she'd be telling you a story and "he" suddenly turned into a "she" because in Cantonese there is no "he" or "she" words. Also to top my ultra viligant nature these days, when I first dated Voldemort she had a bf which she failed to mention to me. Later she said she thought we were having a business dinner (we worked in the same organization doing the same job). She said this was very common where she came from. OMG, sure it is. I also had a "friendship" (not sure what it was) with Coffee Buddy, a Filipino lady, who just up and disappeared on me after telling me the week before "I'm here for you" Uh, yeah! And KML, Mom loved Vodemort. She described her to friends as "she's a gem".
Wii, well as a man I can only say I don't speak "XX" very well. My problems with attempting translation have always been a problem but with "XY" as a base it's always difficult. So what I basically state rather clearly is that I don't read minds, I don't lie and I live with honour. If a an "XX" wants to communicate with you she must have honour as well.
When I grew up I lived on the edge of a reservation. There were people among my friends and there were "people" among my friends. Once upon a time one could eat the other without a problem because they weren't "people". I get it. Cultural differences don't always translate smoothly and I look forward to going to China soon to see just how out of place I am.
Now, as for "Coffe Buddy", we know that was a close miss. What can you do to get guarantees from the newest model without either you or her losing honour?
Beats me! I have to move forward and if little warning lights keep flashing then I've got to address them or ditch her. It's also confusing because when you've been burned badly you see fires in every forest. But, that said, in the time I have known her what I mentioned above are rare incidents. Tonight I volunteered to drive her to the mall, she was going to a movie with a friend. I didn't ask but she said to me "I'm seeing a male friend, he wants to go to a movie. He's just a friend that I used to work with and I haven't seen him in six months." I felt assured by that because she seemed to want me to know the situation. She could have just said it was a girlfriend. Besides, she can see who ever she wants! In the car we talked and she showed me more pictures of her son. I said "He's a handsome young man (and he is) he must get his good looks from his Mom" she giggled. We also talked about being alone and how hard it is to go to parks and watch other people in couples and with their families. She just stays home to avoid it. I do it anyway. So, I felt a really nice connection tonight as we talked and laughed. She seemed more relaxed being away form work where there were always people around us monitoring us. Btw, she told me she applied for her Permanent Status this week. Yeah! I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
If it has been proven by so many of us here how difficult it is to communicate H-to-W when we speak the same language, I can't imagine taking on a relationship with someone who's accent makes it hard for me to catch certain words. Are you worried about this?
Couple of possible red flags. Don't let them ruin tommorrow, but don't forget them either. We all have trust issues from what we went through. No way you want to go through that again.
But I'm not sure you should have asked her who was on the phone. It really was none of your business. And she knew that. And hence - the hesitation. At any rate - just go on your date and live in the moment. Stop worrying about everything. If she is not trustworthy - you'll probably figure that out soon enough.
