Last night my wife told me that she found a piece of paper in her drawer that had apparently been there for a couple of years. It was something she had written in therapy, listing many (although probably not all) of the things she was unhappy about in our relationship. I asked her if I could see it. It was pretty brutal...but nothing that I could argue with. Everything she had written was the truth.
It boggled my mind to think that for the past few years there's been a piece of paper with such important information on it sitting in a drawer just a few feet away from me. Why didn't her therapist ever tell her to share that info with me?!?! When I asked my wife why she herself never chose to share it with me, she said she was afraid I would leave her! I told her that as much as it hurt to read those things all assembled in one place, it was the type of information that one person NEEDS to share with the other when they're in a committed relationship. I also told her that I hoped she saw that all of those things she had written were things that I was turning around on my own, without her ever having shared them with me. She said she did see that, but that she is so angry at herself for not having honored her feelings and told me about them, and angry at me--as unfair as it may be since she didn't share her feelings with me--for not just being a person who she wouldn't have to write those things about in the first place.
I am dealing with an extremely angry person. I think I'm only beginning to understand/appreciate the anger. In fact, it worries me. It seems like the type of anger that...just might not dissipate to a degree that would be required for her to get past her pain and resentment and open up to working on us.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
As long as you keep working on those issues, there's a good chance that anger will dissipate. 5 years ago, you might have dismissed the paper and her anger; now? Now you see the validity of it.
My wife could be angry for many of the things I was in the past, hell I could be angry with her...but that doesn't serve our purpose today, or help us with or tomorrows.
Keep up the positive changes, I think in time, you'll see her anger lessen, you'll both have to deal with it, talk through it in time, but...I think it will fade.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Last night my wife told me that she found a piece of paper in her drawer that had apparently been there for a couple of years. It was something she had written in therapy, listing many (although probably not all) of the things she was unhappy about in our relationship. I asked her if I could see it. It was pretty brutal...but nothing that I could argue with. Everything she had written was the truth.
It boggled my mind to think that for the past few years there's been a piece of paper with such important information on it sitting in a drawer just a few feet away from me. Why didn't her therapist ever tell her to share that info with me?!?! When I asked my wife why she herself never chose to share it with me, she said she was afraid I would leave her! I told her that as much as it hurt to read those things all assembled in one place, it was the type of information that one person NEEDS to share with the other when they're in a committed relationship. I also told her that I hoped she saw that all of those things she had written were things that I was turning around on my own, without her ever having shared them with me. She said she did see that, but that she is so angry at herself for not having honored her feelings and told me about them, and angry at me--as unfair as it may be since she didn't share her feelings with me--for not just being a person who she wouldn't have to write those things about in the first place.
I am dealing with an extremely angry person. I think I'm only beginning to understand/appreciate the anger. In fact, it worries me. It seems like the type of anger that...just might not dissipate to a degree that would be required for her to get past her pain and resentment and open up to working on us.
Again, this sounds exactly like my situation.
My wife is angry for holding onto past conflicts for so long. Our therapist said there's a chance she may never be able to let them go.
It's hard for me to imagine. It seems like forgiveness is a choice. For both of our wives' sake, I hope they can learn to forgive, or they will be in their "jail" forever.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
