My father-in-law encouraged me last night to stay the course, that's it's too soon to expect things to have turned around.
Wise man there.
[quote] But as I watch my wife pull away, it really makes me hunger for someone who will give to me what I'm missing right now... love, kindness, physical closeness... Even just a taste of it... [quote]
Someone? Or your wife? If it is such a need then your walking dangerously close to common cause with many Walk Away Spouses.
A puppy would give you much of what you...need.
If it's your wife, then listen to your FIL and stay the course.
Thanks...I needed that. Definitely not just someone. Just my wife.
Staying the course...but I think some minor adjustments are in order. I think I'm slipping in GAL department. Between work and the kids, it's hard finding the time, but I think that's where I need to be refocusing my efforts right now.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Notices my wife's wedding ring hasn't moved from it's perch on the bathroom sink over the last couple of days. No comment from me about it, but it was almost impossible not to notice...definitely don't like it, definitely doesn't seem like a good sign...definitely keeping my mouth shut about it.
We seem to be squarely in "just friends" territory. I suppose there are worse places to be, but it makes me wonder about being able to accurately gauge her responses to 180's and GAL. It seems like it would be easy to confuse signs of positive movement on her part with things that are really just evidence that she wants to remain friends during and post-divorce. Still...I guess I have to remember that if reconciliation after divorcing is to be a possibility, than maintaing the friendship is still important...I guess it's still important no matter what, since there are kids involved.
Still..."Just friends" would be comforting if we had worked our way there from someplace worse, but that's the puzzling thing...we never had a breakdown in the friendship...no alienation, no period of not talking or getting along. The friendship and companionship has been the constant in this; what was missing for my wife were the things that I needed to be doing to make her feel "in love"--things that she needed to have in order to feel more than just friendship. I've done a complete 180 in making myself available to do those things for/with her...I guess a great sign of things changing for the better would be her asking me/inviting me to do some of those things. That certainly hasn't happened yet. She has accepted some of my invitations/offers, but she hasn't made any of her own.
I'm becoming more firm in my view that there seems to be an element of a MLC at work here. She's really been trying to emulate the girls she hangs out with that are 10 years younger than her...girls/women that are essentially right now where my wife was when we got married. Young, free, no responsibilities, very focused on their looks/image and being "hipsters" (whatever that term even means these days). Almost like she's trying to recapture her youth and a life that kind of slipped away from her when she got married and had kids. Maybe a little ironic, because I've always tried to "give" her as much freedom to continue living her life as she saw fit, never hassled her about going out or maintaining her own life and identity... I guess as important as that may have been to do, it would have been just as important, if not more so, for me to have been more willing to take part in that life of hers when she wanted me to. That was definitely one of my major failings...
So, I feel like I'm watching her detach and move away more and more. I'm maintaing my 180's, my GAL (need to work a little more in that department I think), and am "letting" her move away without overtly trying to draw her back. I'm being as kind and giving as I can be, without being a doormat. I'm giving her as much space as she wants to take to do things on her own, and with her friends. I don't question her about it and in fact if anything I've encouraged her to do what she needs to do to "find herself". Seems like the right tact to take, especially if this is MLC-related, but also even if it isn't. Funny though...I wonder if she ever realizes that the reason she has so much freedom to do stuff is precisely because we're still together/living together...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
My wife has been doing the same things, which now makes me think she too is having a MLC.
She's been dressing a little more hip, changed her hair style slightly, and she's been going out with a group of younger gals more frequently.
I have been thinking it was her escape from us, but maybe they are indicators of a MLC.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Where are things with you and your wife now, NTX? I think it was about a month ago that you wrote she had committed to trying to make things work. Hopefully that's still where you guys are. Unfortunately, no such commitment as of yet from mine.
About the MLC, it's not even just her behavior. She's been talking a lot about her more carefree days...her glory days basically. Back when she could go clubbing and partying "without having to worry about anyone else."
Funny thing is, that was something I never tried to curtail or discourage her from doing... I used to have A LOT of fun doing that stuff myself, and doing that stuff with her before we got married. When we did get married and had our first child, I figured that since I'm about 7 years older than her, I had 7 more years of doing all of that and getting it out of my system, so I didn't mind if she kept it up for a while more...I kind of figured the more freedom I gave her in that regard, the less she would feel constrained by a more domestic lifestyle. And I was always really secure with myself and our relationship, and she always said she was a "good girl" even when she went out without me, so I never felt a need to be worried or jealous or anything like that. One thing I didn't know at the time was how much she wanted me to occasionally do that stuff WITH her still, but there I was thinking what a great, secure husband I was for giving her her freedom...
I don't know...in my wife's case, I think she feels like she lost herself so much in our marriage (something I think she blames herself for, not me) that right now she's just kind of off the rails trying to figure out who she is and who she wants to be...but it doesn't seem like "wife" is fitting into the equation right now.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Where are things with you and your wife now, NTX? I think it was about a month ago that you wrote she had committed to trying to make things work. Hopefully that's still where you guys are. Unfortunately, no such commitment as of yet from mine.
July was wonderful. Things were looking up and she said she was committed to fixing the marriage.
Her doctor switched her medicine to Lexapro and she quickly became very depressed and had panic attacks when we would talk. It was so weird and scary. The doctor told her to stop taking the meds and she slowly started getting back to normal. She decided during that episode that even though she couldn't control her emotions, she could think very clearly and that she realized she hasn't been happy for a long time.
She filed for divorce on August 8th and is looking at apartments. She's hoping to move out Labor Day weekend.
She has dropped hints that we still might miss each other and reconcile after she moves out. At this point though I don't know if she means it or is just saying that to get me to cooperate.
I've been reading stories on this new comer section and everyone is trying so hard with the GALs and 180s. I sometimes wonder if there are any success stories on here some where.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I would love to get some thoughts from others, if anybody cares to share them, on how I handled a request from my wife about the weekend coming up...
She originally had plans to go to a club on Saturday with her girl-friend and girl-friend's husband. The husband is a DJ and has VIP tickets...which essentially means they'll have their own "party room" and private bar. My wife originally wanted to know how I felt about her spending the night at their place Saturday night so that she didn't have to drive home late/after drinking. I said it was fine with me. This then turned into a request to spend the whole weekend at the friend's house; my wife would drive down there Friday night after work, spend the night there and hang out during the day on Saturday, go to the show, spend the night Saturday night, hang out during the day on Sunday and then come home around dinner time on Sunday. She kind of framed it as wanting to go to the show, but also "needing some space" to clear her head and gather her thoughts. The friends live on an old farm, so the idea posed to me by my wife is that in addition to going to the show, she'll have some time to hang out in the fields and reconnect with herself and nature. I told her this was fine too; during the best of times I would never have thought twice about her taking a weekend to do her own thing.
Here's the thing though--privately, I'm having a really hard time with it. From a DB perspective, I figured the best thing I could do is let her go with my full blessing. But I'm really having my doubts as to whether the weekend really has anything to do with her "clearing her head/gathering her thoughts" than it does just being an opportunity to party for 2/3 days without having to worry about taking care of the kids, etc. Even if that is the case, I guess from a DB perspective I should still be "letting" her go do it, and acting like I'm fine with it even if I have my reservations, but it is raising all kinds of mixed emotions in me... insecurity being near the top of the list.
My wife is very attractive, very fit, she gets hit on a lot, and the thought of her going to this show without me is wracking my nerves in a way it never would have back when our relationship was secure. The show will basically be straight out of the club scene, lots of dancing/drinking/club drugs (not that my wife will necessarily be partaking in the drugs...but she might), and I'm having a really hard time keeping myself from imagining the potential scenarios/consequences that could take place (this is all stuff I'm keeping to myself however; as far as my wife knows, I'm totally ok with her going and haven't given her an inkling of my insecurities).
The other thing I'm wrestling with is this--one of my wife's "problems" with me was the extent to which I had kind of whittled down my life to centering on just her and the kids...not having a life of my own. So, I've been making pretty good strides in returning to having a life, but I also realized that a big part of that dynamic was the fact that I often allowed my social life to take a back seat to hers because it seemed more central to her happiness than it did to mine, and because someone needed to be home with the kids. I kind of feel like by giving her the whole weekend to do this, I'm still kind of doing that...letting my GAL take a back seat to hers. I don't know...maybe I should look at this as it being just one weekend, and that it's important to give her her space in whatever way she feels necessary right now, but there's a part of me that feels like I've really been picking up the slack with the housework and childcare right now, and here I am again letting her go run around while I hold down the fort at home. Especially with school starting next week, I'll be running around most of the weekend getting the last couple of things they'll need...while she'll be having a fun carefree weekend...there's a part of me that's thinking "hey...is this really fair?"
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Something else that's been percolating in me for the last couple of days... Ever since my wife dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb, she's really kind of checked out on helping out around the house. I wouldn't go so far as to say she isn't doing anything at all, but I'm really stepping up and picking up the slack. We used to have a pretty even division of labor, but right now I've taken over most of the housework. It seems like the only things she's doing are the things that I absolutely can't because I'm at work/working at home...and even when I'm working at home I'm finding I'm getting stuff done that traditionally she would have done. And the stuff that we used to split pretty evenly I'm doing alone for the most part...I can't remember the last time since she dropped the bomb that she did a load of the kids' laundry or washed the dishes. She's mentioned several times how frequently she's anxious, and without motivation, and recognizes she's not doing as much stuff. When I mentioned to her a day or so ago that I had vacuumed and washed the kitchen floor so that she wouldn't do it again unnecessarily, she remarked "wow, you're really starting to make me feel like a lazy piece of cr@p." I told her that certainly wasn't my intention, it's just that I've realized that when there's something that I feel like needs to be done, it's my responsibility to do it rather than wait for/expect somebody else to. Still...I guess I feel like from even just a "roommate" perspective, I'm doing more than my fair share right now.
I think with her going away this weekend, some of that is starting to gnaw at me a little bit. Especially with this being the last weekend before the kids go back to school, I'm feeling like she should have WANTED to be around to help get stuff done for them... like, going down to her friend's Saturday afternoon, going to the show, and then spending the night Saturday night and coming home Sunday afternoon should have been good enough. That way she could have been around Saturday during the day to help get the last few things for the kids taken care of.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Have you considered she may be depressed? Just asking. She isn't doing this to jerk your chain IMHO.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Have you considered she may be depressed? Just asking. She isn't doing this to jerk your chain IMHO.
I have considered that...and I think that she probably is. She describes it as anxiety (she has to take xanax occasionally during the day to deal with what are essentially panic attacks that come on whenever she starts thinking about our situation, and also occasionally at night so that she can get to sleep), and I guess anxiety is obviously a critical element...but I think there is a strong vein of depression in there as well.
I guess there's a part of me that feels like "Hey, how come I'm the one that's for all intents and purposes getting dumped, but I'm managing to pull myself together, showing a positive attitude, and taking care of business, meanwhile this is her decision, her choice that divorce is the answer, and yet here she is anxious/depressed, barely doing anything around the house but still maintaining the motivation/ability to do the things that are solely for her?" I know that's probably not the best way to be thinking...but I guess I have to admit to myself (and maybe to her at some point) that it's starting to bother me that she's able to pull it together to work out and do yoga, keep herself looking pretty, socialize and party with her friends, but most of the work and responsibilities of maintaining the household have kind of been taken over by me. I've been willing to let it slide for the past couple of months for the sake of giving her her space and just focusing on me and the kids and getting done what needs to get done...but I guess I'm feeling like there needs to be a discussion/re-negotiation of what needs to get done around here...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Ok, so she's taking anti anxiety/depression meds already. Pretty clear indicator.
Quote:
meanwhile this is her decision, her choice that divorce is the answer, and yet here she is anxious/depressed, barely doing anything around the house but still maintaining the motivation/ability to do the things that are solely for her?" I know that's probably not the best way to be thinking.
No it's not going to help you. the thoughts you are expressing here will only serve to inflame your own hurt feelings of dismissal, diminishment and disregard.
You do realise that feeling of injustice/inequality you're experiencing is YOUR PERCEPTION, and not necessarily the truth. Depression is a heavy burden, it crushes you and you can barely keep it together.
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]it's starting to bother me that she's able to pull it together to work out and do yoga, keep herself looking pretty, socialize and party with her friends,
This is what she is doing to keep her head above water man and stop from spiralling down further IMHO. What you're seeing from my personal experience and perspective is a woman in whirlpool hanging on to a rope. Housework is the FIRST to go, along with and later come: overeating/undereating, oversleeping/undersleeping , then personal appearance/hygiene goes too and you end up in your bathrobe all day.
IMHO you're very lucky she's not that far gone yet. Please understand, depression is anger turned inward. Your W loathes herself right now. She can't love herself, she doesn't believe you can love her either, and she can't love you right now until she gets appropriate help/therapy to address it.
My hugs, prayers and warm thoughts go out to you. Be strong.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
