Hmmm... 3 phone calls at work from her today, and a series of texts. All small talk/things that could have waited until I got home, and we're kind of unnecessary to begin with. Not going to read too much into it, but it's unusual in that she hasn't done that in a long time.
Need to remember 1) maintaining the friendship is important to her, so it may be nothing more than that; 2) I need to let her be the last to send a text. I don't know why...but it just feels important/right course of action to be the one who ends the conversation...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Well, it's been about a month and a half... not long by DB standards, but it's been the longest month and a half of my life...
GAL: Started working out regularly again (and it's already starting to show!); started meditating again; started creative writing again; drawing again; getting in touch with/making plans with friends that had fallen by the wayside; making plans to do things on my own again (camping/hiking, or even just going out for walks/drives alone if there's nothing else to do); doing things with the kids on my own.
180s: Being open to new experiences; practicing patience, tolerance, and kindness; listening to constructive criticism without responding negatively; practicing generosity; encouraging my wife's own social life, interests, and identity; giving my wife space at home/not seeking her out; taking the initiative to line-up sitters/make reservations on my own; doing the chores that I know are important to my wife, not just the ones that I think are important; offering to accompany my wife to things that I don't want to go to, but that I know she doesn't want to go to alone; encouraging my wife to express her opinions, particularly when I suspect she disagrees with me, and then really listening to what she has to say (simply asking her what she feels/thinks, instead of assuming her silence means agreement).
The last time she brought it up (at the beginning of this week), she said she still wanted a divorce, but she also mentioned the "hypothetical" possibility of us continuing to live as we have been for the past month and a half...showing, perhaps, an unspoken interest in seeing if her feelings change if I keep up the good work. As I've mentioned before, it's strange how she's the one that wants to split and I'm the one potentially being dumped...and yet, she's the one who seems to be struggling and floundering while I, by all outward appearances, am the one who is staying strong and functional and getting sh!t done.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
The last time she brought it up (at the beginning of this week), she said she still wanted a divorce, but she also mentioned the "hypothetical" possibility of us continuing to live as we have been for the past month and a half...showing, perhaps, an unspoken interest in seeing if her feelings change if I keep up the good work. As I've mentioned before, it's strange how she's the one that wants to split and I'm the one potentially being dumped...and yet, she's the one who seems to be struggling and floundering while I, by all outward appearances, am the one who is staying strong and functional and getting sh!t done.
huh...that IS strange. Sort of almost weird that as you change old patterns and habits into ones that benefit you, she is almost uncertain of her plans.
hrnm.
Something to think about...like what happens if you are consistent and these changes aren't just changes but your way of life? I wonder what else might change.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Something to think about...like what happens if you are consistent and these changes aren't just changes but your way of life? I wonder what else might change.
That's a good question Jack... I don't know exactly how you meant it, but it's got me thinking about who's mind might actually be the one to change in this scenario, mine or hers. She's been pulling away some lately, and as I let her move away without reacting to it, it's created a little bit of space for me to step back and observe and process some thoughts...especially as I continue to work hard on myself, while she just seems to be kind of...adrift.
I know I've got a sh!tst0rm of hurt and pain ahead of me if we actually separate and then divorce, but right now I'm feeling stronger, healthier, and better about myself than I have in a long time. And I'm kind of hesitant to even put it out there in fear of it cursing me in some way, but... sometimes I actually feel gratitude toward the powers that be that I was given a wake up call; an opportunity to change the path I was on as a person. I don't know that I would pay the price of my marriage upfront, but given the fact that I can't change the past, I'll be grateful that what's coming out of all of this is an opportunity to improve myself.
I don't know why, but I have this sense that the next few days will be interesting... I just feel like something is on the horizon...like she's going to throw me a curve or...I don't know what. Just going to stay calm, cool, aware, centered, and positive.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
I guess I should feel fortunate that my wife's decision to divorce came about without any type of planning whatsoever regarding how the process would actually go... no plans about where either one of us would live, work schedules, child care, etc. It's like she decided she wanted a divorce, and thought everything else would figure itself out. Better than the alternative I suppose...I mean, the alternative could have been not just her telling me she wanted a divorce, but finding out she had her escape plan all set to go as well.
The last week or so, she's been pulling away. We still get along well enough, but there's been a lot of...I'm not even sure...seems like there's anger toward me just below the surface sometimes. I just stay even-keeled and don't react to it. If she ends up expressing it, I'll absorb it or let it roll off my back. There's also an issue of depression and anxiety with her. She hasn't been doing much of anything lately...just the bare minimum around the house. I've really been stepping up in that regard. She goes to work in the afternoon 3 days a week, maybe gets one thing done around the house, and that's pretty much it. Other than that, she's been spending a TON of time screwing around on twitter and tumblr...it's like they've become her escape.
She keeps mentioning that she "doesn't know what's wrong" with her, regarding the lack of motivation, etc. It seems obvious to me what's wrong...but I figure it's her place to acknowledge it to herself, not mine to point it out. On top of twitter and tumblr, she's essentially carrying on what amounts to an emotional affair with the gay guy she works with. 10 years younger, living a college/post-college lifestyle (i.e., partying, no real responsibilities or obligations yet), he offers a real attractive alternative to a life of parenting and bills and "real life"). Lots of texting back and forth with him...she essentially talks to him the way she used to talk with me. In fact...if she were putting as much energy into "us" as she's been putting in with him, we would probably be in a much better place. So he, and another girl they both work with, also 10 years younger and living pretty much the same lifestyle as the gay guy, have become where she's investing what time and energy she does have. That's the type of stuff that makes me think about the "anytime mid-life crisis". I haven't made any remarks about it, I don't question what she does, and I certainly am not trying to compete. Right now, I'm just going with "live and let live" as I continue working on me. For all her lip service about trying to figure out who she is and who she wants to be, it would be nice to see her actually doing it instead of just screwing around...but, eh, who am I to judge? Look at what it took for me to get on the ball.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Been feeling more and more like I deserve some love. Maybe I haven't earned it yet. I know it's only been less than 2 months, but sometimes I catch myself thinking "Man, I deserve to have someone return some of what I'm putting out there..." I'm giving, giving, giving, but not getting anything in return. Really, nothing... Well, maybe not nothing, but that's what it feels like sometimes. My father-in-law encouraged me last night to stay the course, that's it's too soon to expect things to have turned around. I guess he's right...I know he's right. But as I watch my wife pull away, it really makes me hunger for someone who will give to me what I'm missing right now... love, kindness, physical closeness... Even just a taste of it...
Feeling kind of empty right now. Not showing it at all on the outside, but that hollow feeling is definitely there...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Been feeling more and more like I deserve some love.
Of course you do. Love yourself.
Wise words. Of course you're right. I've been doing alright in that department. Every now and then though, I crave that validation that comes from outside myself. My wife did a great job of making me feel loved, even when--apparently--she was at her most miserable/unfulfilled.
This is a tough path...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
My father-in-law encouraged me last night to stay the course, that's it's too soon to expect things to have turned around.
Wise man there.
Quote:
But as I watch my wife pull away, it really makes me hunger for someone who will give to me what I'm missing right now... love, kindness, physical closeness... Even just a taste of it...
Someone? Or your wife? If it is such a need then your walking dangerously close to common cause with many Walk Away Spouses.
A puppy would give you much of what you...need.
If it's your wife, then listen to your FIL and stay the course.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
