Divorce is coming soon.

[Goodfight]

Lorie, We don't even have a number for H, in case of an emergency. Our D14 gets angry but has been sad now for the past couple of days with it being Father's Day and so has my S20.

H's whole entire family has blocked her on FB so she can't even talk to them, it's just so plain out evil of all of them to do this, and I never expected it from the one BIL. H's parents were D'd now for over 36 years and remarried to other people so H has two sets of parents really. And that side (FIL), doesn't bother with the kids or me either and we were very close.

What I don't get is why all of them are taking it out on the kids, they didn't do anything. But his sons from a ex-girlfriend from high school are loved and treated the same as they always were and it's like me and our kids are garbage.

I know they MLC'ers, don't see their children often and so on, but my H is seeing his other ones all of the time, and doesn't miss anything that is big going on in their lives. Sometimes I wonder if this is a MLC or H has just lost it totally, and is ending up to be like his M's side, totally evil. H didn't speak to them for over 12 years and once we separated it wasn't long before he made up with them. How do you act like a parent to certain kids and not the others that you raised? How does a whole, well 2 families wipe their hands of the kids and act like they don't exist.

The kids sent flowers to MIL H's step-mother, for Mother's Day and never even a thank you from her, no phone calls nothing. This is the confusing part, doesn't the family of the MLC'er see something is not right at all with the person?? I do know H's mother's side is loving every minute because they were always trying to ruin someone's life, I saw it with my own eyes many years ago.

Does anyone have any answers about the children here?

[Queen_of_Swords]

You answer is right in your own words:

H's parents were D'd now for over 36 years and remarried to other people so H has two sets of parents really. And that side (FIL), doesn't bother with the kids or me either and we were very close.

Your H. has an example to follow. This in his eyes is the way it's done and is an appropriate way to handle the relationships with his own children. No doubt he wasn't treated well either during and after his biological parent's divorce.

Add to that confusion. I certainly don't know how to deal with my MIL.
Far as I'm concerned her response to the knowledge her son left me told me that from that point on I was persona non grata. I've made no effort at contact since that time...what would it profit me?

Perhaps your H's family doesn't know what to do either. Family loyalty/roles are complex.

[jon2911]

How's it going GF?

[Goodfight]

Not good Jon. Still no word from H and I was afraid to come on here because of the response above.....that was and still is my biggest fear.....H following in his Father's footsteps. What I don't get though is he bothers with his sons from a previous relationship he had before we met. I don't know if it is because they are boys, or he feels bad because he missed out on so much of them growing up, or because they are old enough to come to him as far as driving to see him and of course don't like me now either.....


How are you doing?

[Goodfight]

H's BIL's response to D14 All the message read was if he would please have H call or write to her. And asked why does everyone hate her, her mom, and her brother.
o
D14, nobody hates you and your brother is not related, I have heard of the letters you wrote in which you have expressed great resentmeant to your father, you are in an unfortunate situation in which in my opinion your mother uses you for leverage against your father to play on his emotions during this divorce, and facebook isn't exactly a secure means of communicating (You see, I don't know if this is you or your mother). If you really need to talk to me you know where I live and from what I saw at the Bazar you have many other fast ways of transportation other than your mother. D14, I was a teen when my parents divorced and know the games very well (leverage) you need to decide to make the right choices, When your older(Adult) and you used leverage in place of love you will regret it for the rest of your life. Once again you know where I live.

Idk tell my father to grow up and call me since I can't cause he changed his number on me and my mother don't use me and you have no clue what I and my brother have been going through you haven't been in our lifes in a very long time so you have no clue who my father really is. This is not the father that I grew up with.
o
My mom is blocked from my FB y does everyone blame her never mind I tried, too many people in middle of my dads n moms business I just give up.
o
I wasn't raised to say just cause of blood bout my brother n my dad told everyone he was his. This related stuff is junk I told my dad I loved n missed him n my mom doesn't even know bout the letter. Just forget it. My mom was right just to let it go my dad never drank like this n told me he wanted to come home but everyone is in the middle. He has my number.

If I knew my dad n all of u were going to be at the bazaar I would have never went my brothers girlfrineds boyfriend was there my mom gets blamed for everything n she thought u were a good guy guess not. Like I said never mind n my parents n mom aren't the same as your mom n dad. Tired of all of u hurting n being mean to us my mom still loves SS18 n SS16 that makes her a good mom no blood there, not related. This sounds like Aunt anyway.
Sry but my letters to my dad were nice not mean n if he loves me he will call or write he does stuff just so u guys don't get mad. wanted my mom a lot since they had there problems but everyone gets in middle just like my brother was going to play pool if u guys don't know whole story stop blaming me n my mom n my brother that was mean to say about my brother! Now I'm done writing sry goodbye.
H's BIL or Sister's response...I have NO clue.
o
D14, you came to me and my address never changed nor did your fathers, and I read some of the letters and heard some of the voice messages, so don't think for one minute i don't understand whats going on or what you had expressed, my number never changed you can call anytime, I think its time for you to leave your brother and your mother out of it and grow up and act your age if in deed you are willing to rebuild trust, and as far as being blocked on FB give me a break do you think I buy that I certainly hope you don't, I thought you were smarter than that.

D14's response

Why should i have to contact him I'm tired already its his turn to grow up and be a father.

Plus you never heard both sides so I guess my mom was wrong. You aren't a good guy just like everybody else. This was supposed to be between me n my dad not everyone all I asked was for u to plz have n let me know if my dad loves me still n u keep bringing up my mom n my brother. It's not fair the heck with it like my mom said I can't do this anymore I will find someone to be there for me besides my mom. Tired of all u knocking down my mom and brother u are mean just like everyone else in his family.

My dad did n so did everyone in the family but you. I'm not stupid I'm not ever coming there cause gram n aunt make fun of me. My counselor was right my dad is the one that needs to grow up not me. Goodbye. Won't bother u no more it's all them or nothing my dad should not tell anyone our business like my counselor told me he is the dad not a kid. I'm sick of my brother too getting treated like crap but he was ok for all the years right uncle how would u feel if this was u never mind the heck with it. But my mom was going to take my dad back till all u got in middle now she says no way thanks for nothing this is between my dad n me n my mom not all of u n we hurt n u don't care either.
Ask my Dad, uncle X, aunt X, uncle XX, and aunt XX. I'm blocked by all them. Doesn't matter...I'm always wrong. My mom told me to say sorry 4 bothering u. So I'm sry. Just wanted u to tell my dad something n I get blamed 4 everything won't ever leave my mom or my brother out of anything they r my family. I am smart so stop saying I'm not.

[Goodfight]

I couldn't help myself and I know I will get 2x4s. I was so mad and upset and watching my kids cry...It's like it is starting all over again because of H saying he was coming home in Jan. It's just so much worse now.....I have never seen a single thread where the in-laws were so highly involved in breaking up a M when they know (they have to see it) H is ill. So I sent this message to H's BIL.

H's BIL, D14 told me that she contacted you and showed me all of the messages you both exchanged. She will not be contacting you or anyone in your family. I told her months ago to let it go because it all falls on deaf ears and she will get no where. All she asked of you was to relay a message to her father and you had to say mean things to her. The only one playing with anyones emotions and feelings is your family! What goes on with my daughter and her father is not to be broad casted through the family. This is between me, H, and her and no one else.

And another thing is S20!!! How the hell would you or SIL like it if the men that raised you dropped you like a piece of trash after claiming you were their child for 15 years?? D14 is only 14 and is going through a lot so the only ones that need to act their ages are the adults! For God's sake they are kids not adults. And as far as leverage you have NO clue, I'm not the one that ever did that, she was told she could see him whenever she wanted to. I'm not like that and never was like that. Everyone including H said his ex GF did that while SS18 and SS16 were growing up.

I don't know who wrote those messages to D14, you, your wife, or H but they were very hurtful to her but then again this is falling on deaf ears. Unless you know the whole story and the truth please don't hurt my children! I wouldn't treat any child even if it was a total stranger the way all of you treat my children! Just wish all of you would put yourselves in S20 and D14's position but I know it will never happen and it's really sad! S20 might not be related through blood but SFIL, H, and his brother always treated him like family cause guess what? He was till we separated then all of a sudden we start going through a divorce and everyone divorces him and D14! Wow and shame on anyone that treats any child the way H is and the way she got treated by MIL and SIL.

I know 100% fact I never did anything wrong but I still was kind enough to write that letter to all of you when H asked me to when he wanted to come back home. Also if all of you care and love H so much why would you sit there and watch him drink himself to death????? Don't worry about D14 contacting you or anyone again or me contacting any of you. Can't believe this crap all over D14 wanting for her father to love her again and asking you to tell him.

She does not have your number and doesn't need it because if H would just act his age and be civil she could contact him and he could contact her. One thing I have to say about myself is I went way out of my way to be civil to people that I thought believed in marriage really don't! Anyone that pushes for a divorce has no morals or values. I didn't get my family involved and your family shouldn't be involved. H is an adult and needs to stop acting like a child. Running to everyone telling them his business. All I wanted was for this was to be civil between me and H as far as the divorce that he wants and as far as the kids but NOPE! Maybe if outside influences weren't involved it could have gone a lot smoother. Would you want your children treated like this if God forbid you two got a divorce by extended family and such? Don't know any parent that would.

Like I said, all she wanted was for you to relay a message not to hurt her more. So sorry H's BIL or SIL (don't know who I'm writing this to) but stop telling my daughter that it has nothing to do with me and my S20. We are all she has.....I could care less what you think or say about me and what you believe that H claims! SIL had SFIL, how would she have felt if he said she wasn't related? Not good I bet. I never did that to SS18 and SS16 and deep down H knows I treated those boys great! I will never stop loving them no matter what they feel because of all the lies being told. Take care and she won't bother you again. One last thing, if I have to say something I will, and won't go through anyone. I also know all of you are loving every bit of the conflict between me, H, D14, and S20 I'm not stupid or vulnerable like H is, he's not stupid but vulnerable he is, but he's not my problem anymore. I think you should reread what you wrote to my daughter and put yourself in her shoes about how mean and hurtful your words were. He knows my kids are my life so he is the one using leverage to hurt me by hurting these kids but it doesn't work anymore. Such bitterness I have never seen before and out and out meaness too. H is turning out just like the rest of you and that is what you wanted, I've seen you ruin families before and here you go again.

This is teenage s*** and to think adults are acting like this, it's just a shame.

You don't have to worry ever again about D14 or me contacting you again. Sry she bothered you but when she told me this morning and was crying and then called again upset it made me angry! Just glad you are getting a rise out of causing more friction that you have already caused since January and February.

Lost

[Goodfight]

H will never see through them, will he? Please, I really can use some advice. This isn't getting better just worse. Where do I go from here? H never stopped all contact for this long.

With all the lies he told to his Mother and Fathers' sides of their families he has everyone hating me and it hurts so bad since they were the only family I had (Father and SMIL). They don't contact kids either.

Thanks

[25yearsmlc]

I ache for your d.

What's the legal status now and are you alright financially? How does h pay you?

Can you get some other men involved in your children's lives so they have some healthy role models?

Big Brothers or Girl Scouts or something after school so your d learns that not all men are wacky.

True, your h's family sounds awful. But I'd steer d away from further contact. If she wrote all those letters and you didn't "help", I'm confused why she kept bringing you and your h up as topics, and her brother (God bless her) and not just herself. She's pretty heroic for a 14 y/o but I wonder why she can't make this about HER and her dad, no one else).

Maybe, Your d can send a HAPPY pic of some good event to the BIL she still has contact with. (NOT SOON...)

Just an UPBEAT SHORT message about a dance or event or something happy

and she can KNOW that h will learn of it. Nothing about you or son in THAT MESSAGE...just good stuff about HER life.


Re: your son. All I can say is that you have to get him some help. It's a lot of rejection for him to handle, but you need to stop your focus on it.
IDK if you do it there but you do it HERE...a lot.
It's unfair and very unhelpful. Your continued comparisons between how you think your h treats his sons, and now how he's treating your d, and your son, is SO not helping them at all.


Why did he say he wanted out of the M in the first place? I don't recall. I read THIS thread but not the past ones.

Can you summarize in one paragraph why he said he wanted out?

What's your h's educational level? And income? And his familys?

What's the problem with your son that others would have Any opinion about your h not adopting him?

IS he disabled? Is it permanent? Will you always have him in the home? Was it stressful for your h to be a parent when they were younger?


He may not know how to be around d's. What did they do together before he left?


I would hold HIM accountable for his actions as a father. Has nothing to do with his family OR YOU


UNLESS YOU ARE MAKING IT ABOUT YOU....

Usually when a WAS leaves a m, they don't leave the kids too. Granted they leave them ALL at first, and They part ways and there is distance for some time but usually at some point a relationship resumes.
There are others around that aren't, like Life's situation.

Don't prevent that. I am not saying you are but beware of how you hinder it. I fear you are so joined in your feelings of rejection with them, that

THEY feel the rejection- that MIGHT just belong to you...make sense?

Separate yourself from the kids. Tell them that h is "lost now" but don't blame others.

Tell them he wants out of the m and he MIGHT be seeing contact with them as contact with YOU....take on the burden of the rejection on your own, and don't "share" it with them if you can. I know it hurts but you can't let them get so sad for so long.

He COMES from a crazy background and may be reverting to it. People change and evolve and he can, again.

The needier the kids come across, the worse it is and the harder it is for your h to reconnect. H needs to hear GOOD news from them sometime.


We don't know the reasons why BUT they have their reasons. They don't think they're crazy.

You cannot engage in defending yourself at any detailed length w/her
b/c that involves her in the debate that isn't hers.

Assume for a moment,

that your h's family has a synapse misfire and thinks you are related to a purple lesbian lizard, and that they will

NEVER EVER APPROVE OF WHO THEY BELIEVE YOU TO BE....

does this matter to YOU? I submit it should not.


Let your d have an R with her dad in some form, that doesn't involve you

(b/c it does NOT involve you). It's THEIR R. All you can do is get out of their way and help her NOT feel so needy...

Have you considered moving on with your life?

What's stopping you?

[punkin]

Goodfight,

I understand exactly why you did what you did. I don't necessarily think it was the right thing, but I understand it.

My XH adopted my two youngest at 2 & 4 years of age. They are now 23 and 25. He has no contact with them or their children. He raised my two oldest, and thought my oldest daughter's son, the first grand, hung the moon. Again, no contact. I don't remember your entire story exactly, but drinking was a big factor in mine as well.

If I may make a suggestion. Make a pledge to yourself and to God, that from this day forward, you will not initiate contact with his family in any way. They are obviously hostile, for what ever reason, and blood will always be thicker. I had an excellent relationship with my X's family. Now, I hardly hear a word. They are afraid it will put a strain on the relationship with their son. I understand that. I don't like it, but I understand it.

Regardless of what your BIL or SIL said,let it drop. If your H resumes a R with his D and she is open to it, just swallow it and let it be. If he does not with your son, do whatever you have to to help him see it is not his fault or problem. Guilt has the major part in this play. ((Hugs to you and your kids))

[25yearsmlc]

fwiw

My mil never called our kids the entire time h was gone, even on their birthdays. Sent cards with money but no contact unless we travelled to see them. 2 years passed.

We reconciled and she acted as if nothing happened and then she got cancer and we cared for her and she died...

at her funeral my two oldest spoke. D said something about how she's "still getting to know grandmother" even after death b/c she did "not know her well" while alive.

This shocked h and his brother and I was dumbfounded...as if mil knew our children well!! How could they not know? Answer...who knows but they didn't.

OMG...but what was the point of me telling him? I believe at some level h's family realizes that our kids are MUCH closer to my family than his b/c my family makes an effort. They talk. My mom is 89 and still visits us. Oh well, mil is gone...no need to cry over spilt milk.

I think my kids will be there for each other and their kids. Lesson learned.

I simply am grateful for those whom she does have in my kids lives, and there are many.

You can increase the number of adults in your kid's lives with coaches and teachers and others...

do what you can and let it go.

Don't keep going to a dry well when you need a drink. You'll always be thirsty.