SA - thank you - but I get so much from others, both on this thread and from reading what others write on theirs. This board is inspirational.
Although the MLCers share many similarities, as you know, each makes their own journey. However, 2 years seems quite soon for him to admit that he misses anything about you [even if he thinks about you a lot, which I am told many of them do]
It is a long long journey for them and for us. You will be fine, and he might well be, so follow your instincts.
I think initially there is a glamour for them but it soon wears thin and they go on pretending all is well, and demonize us to convince themselves that we, not them are the problem . . . .
The trouble for so many is pride and admitting that they might have got it all so terribly wrong.
Snodderly, Thank you so much for your postings. I have reached a point in my journey where I want my husband to be OK much more than I want a relationship with him, if that makes sense.
I hope he can sort himself out and re-build relationships with his children, who have missed him so much, and even though adult, still need a father. I am much less sure what I want.
For a long time I wanted a marriage, but now, I truly do not know. I like my independence a lot. I rejoice when others restore their marriage or move on into a new relationship, but one of the things we find in all of this is ourselves, and for now I am mostly enjoying that.
Perhaps enjoying is the wrong word. It is an exploration, and sometimes painful, and sometimes lonely, but often it is good, or very good.
I haven't posted in a few months for many different reasons (GAL, busy maintaining house/yard, concern that XH might find my thread (think he saw the DB website on my computer in June), my emotional cycling as XH seems unable to move our "friendship" forward) but I have been following many threads and continue to value everyone's insights. Beatrice, this is an interesting thread. The perspective that time gives us is valuable to the newbies and old-timers alike.
A few days ago I got a glimpse into the life of my MLCer . XH and I played a sport and then he came to the house (formerly our home) where we had some beer and chatted for an hour or so. It was the most unguarded that I have seen him in over 2 years. As XH walked up to and into the house I could see him checking out some of the repairs I’d made to things that were broken before he left. XH told me he is frustrated that the home he bought has some design/construction issues that have caused him to have repeated problems with his roof leaking. He also has other repairs that need to be made too --- things that were there when he bought the house (he paid TOO much for it 2 years ago but was desperate to get out of his mother’s house). He said he’s been waiting for the handyman, who used to do our repairs, to find time to come and do several things on his new home. He’s been waiting for some of the work to be done for over a year. I understand that XH waited because this handyman charges less than most, but repairs tend to cost more when damage continues to accumulate, so I think he will be hiring someone else. XH has been playing all summer and I think he just doesn’t want to settle down and take care of things.
…..Then XH told me that he is having a biopsy in 2 weeks to rule out a type of cancer that only men get. He will know the results 1 week after that. Interestingly, this will coincide with the 3 year anniversary of the bomb. This new development comes just 5 months after his mother (former alcoholic) passed away. That’s a lot for anyone to process, let alone an MLCer. I agree with you all that God works in mysterious ways. If anything is going to make XH re-evaluate himself and his choices I would think that some major life events would. In XH’s case, the treatment for his health problem will probably be surgery regardless of whether the mass is malignant or not. This will undoubtedly impact the way he relates to women because it will impact his $exua1 performance. He has been running from true emotional intimacy his entire life, maybe this will lead him to a new level of emotional intimacy?
During our conversation I talked with XH about how childhood trauma “rewires the brain” (lots of research to substantiate this). This topic came up naturally in the conversation. He was looking for feedback from me because of my expertise. I talked with him about a PBS TV series in which top scientists discussed that for some forms of anxiety, psychotherapy is most effective, while for other forms, medication is most effective. I told him that the way psychotherapy works to accomplish these changes is that the therapist (needs to be someone who knows what they’re doing) essentially “re-parents” the patient by providing a nurturing environment that allows the brain to “rewire in healthier patterns”. XH’s eyes were totally unguarded as he listened intently. I have rarely seen him this receptive before. This leads me to believe that even though XH pushed me away earlier this summer (I was moving forward too fast as I was growing impatient), he still trusts me at least on some level. He saw how devoted I was to his mother, visiting her regularly the 2 years before she passed away. I have no expectations at this point. I'm far too detached at present. (I even invited a man on a "kinda date" a few weeks back. We had a nice time biking and then drinks.) Just reporting my observations.
I will try to post an update on my thread (if it’s still there) after I hear about the pathologist’s report. I DO want to share what I’ve learned on my journey that may be of help to others. I have been very blessed by God on this journey. I DO believe he has performed miracles in my situation and for that I am very grateful.
GAG - good to hear from you. My xh also got aggressive cancer about two and a half years after the bomb. Then a year later his mother died. In fact I think it set him back in his crisis. I believe without the cancer and his mother's death he would be further along. It just froze him for the longest time.
But I think your xh is further on his journey than my xh was when the cancer struck.
I really look forward to reading your thread again. Thanks for posting here.
Further update. Well I have been getting nice emails from xh for a few days [not holding my breath on its continuing!]and my adult children nasty ones. Telling them how hurtful he finds it that they don't send him birthday and Christmas greetings. I am staying out of this, except my middle son [almost 30] said it made him weep, as he has tried so hard to have a r with his father.
My take on it, fwiw, is that he is starting to realise what he has lost. Like so many here, for the first few years he was gone, acted as if he didn't know or care if we lived or died. But he can't yet admit that the poor relationship is in any way his responsibility.
I emailed my middle son and said that I thought his father was not in a good place, that loving people when they weren't very loveable was hard, and that he [my son'] was the adult right now, and left it up to him. I think it is evidence of a broken and hurting man, too proud to say sorry, I screwed up, and wanting love and affirmation, to be told it is OK really.
Reconnection isn't a picnic for the MLCer as they have to confront the reality of what they have done.
Beatrice, You've hit the nail on the head. He still has a lot of pride and isn't able to admit the he's the one that screwed up. Most definitely, reconnection is difficult for all, but especially the mlcer.
They want to sweep the entire thing under the rug and hopefully start over w/a clean slate. It doesn't happen that way and that's why it is so difficult for them to come back...people don't forget and they are worried that the topic will be thrown in their faces all of the time.
It's all very sad.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really believe at times that my ex tries very hard in his mind to erase me and his 3 children. He really focus' on OW and her child as "his family". If he looks over at me and the kids it is too painful and a reminder of what he has done... Cowardice and pride are definitely at play
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Yes!! Being a coward in a common thread through out this whole thing fot my H. As far as Im concered - unless he looks at why he is like this - this problem will follow him into all R's he has. My H even calls OW's house his "home" Vomit.
Further update: not a good day yesterday. My elder brother arrived to see me, and he has had a stroke, which he didn't tell me about. A shock. But good to see him
Then xh sent me an email saying he had been by our old house and taken some photos of the changes the new owners had made to the garden, and would I like some pix. But he understood if not. I have no idea why he is gong back to our old home and taking photos, The new owners must surely find it strange. . . .
WTF. I know it sounds kind, but I loved that house, and it broke me up when we sold it, although I could not have stayed either financially or emotionally. It was our family home . .
Xh managed to make it sound as if i have an emotional disability in finding parts of the past painful . . . . And I feel, though do not say, that he has an emotional disability in not finding some of this stuff painful.
I think he is in an odd place right now, and I am not in a good place to be dealing with him. Bit of a ramble here.
