Had an interesting talk with my FIL today. I'm definitely not "recruiting" him, but we're buddies, and we hang out/talk, so "stuff" comes up even without me bringing it up...especially since he went through something similar with his wife 20 or so years ago, only she had a confirmed affair.
At any rate, he said he would always support his daughter no matter what (unless he found at she had cheated on me and then lied about it), but that he was pulling for us and hoped we would be able to turn things around. He said he admired the approach I was taking and felt like I had a good perspective on things. Made me feel good. He said when he and his wife we're going through there tough times, he decided he would give himself a year to see if he could save things. Of course, in their situation my MIL was committed to working things out too, unlike my wife...but still...I figure, going by his timeline, I'm only a month and a couple of days in to what could be a year-long (at least) process. The work has just begun...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Had a great weekend. Dinner and drinks on Saturday was awesome. I can't believe it took 8 years for me to make something like that happen. Wife remarked several times about "Where has this dearme been hiding...what happened to him...where has he been." We had a really good time talking and laughing, and by the end of the night she was leaning up against me and holding on to me. Then Sunday we took the kids to the beach and again had a really good time. Sunday night at home she mentioned what a fun weekend it had been. The hardest part about it is having to assume that it doesn't change her mind about the divorce, and that I can't get my hopes up. Just trying to take it for what it was; a first step of many toward showing her what the new relationship between us could be like. Hope I get the opportunities to show her so much more. Hope it eventually opens up her heart again.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Assume the worst, hope for the best, and KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS!
Sounds like you had a great time. How could you keep that sort of thing up? Your W indicated she enjoyed it and was wondering where that "dearme" had gone...
Give her more... she likes it... and if she really wants an answer, just say something like "I've been working on re-awakening him and getting him to stick around".
Sounds like you had a great time. How could you keep that sort of thing up?
In a word, "babysitter". Certainly there's a host of things I need to turn around (and have been making good progress toward), like doing more things on my own/not having my entire life focused on her, but if there's one thing that has become painfully obvious to me, it's that my wife needed to feel like she was worth the effort to set up regular dates with her, without her having to do the leg-work.
Right now, in addition to the more "me" centered 180's, I think one of the best things I could do is pick a day once a week...or even just once every couple of weeks...heck even just once a month, and get a sitter so that the option is there for us to do something together without the kids, whether it's a night out or just the ability to go take a walk together alone. I think whether or not she takes me up on it is less important than showing I'm willing and able to take the initiative to provide the opportunity. And I think, even if she doesn't take me up on it at any given time, then I've at least created the opportunity for each of us to go do something on our own without the other having to watch the kids.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Good job, dearme. Just be careful to let it all be sincere and heartfelt and not come off as manipulative. Our WAS's can sniff out insincerity like a bloodhound, and once they do, they will pull back faster than you can blink.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
There is a BIG difference between setting a day aside and letting your W know the day is free if she wants to do something...
and PLANNING a day to do something...
Going on a date with your W is no doubt enjoyable for her, but as you have suggested, the fact that you took the lead on this one and got it all planned out and all she needed to do was... a) agree to go, and b) show up...
To me, this appears to be what she might have appreciated more than just an enjoyable evening with DM... I could be wrong, of course...
Think clearly on this, does your W like spontaneous or is she more of a "routine" girl? You seem a bit "all over the place" as far as how often you might do "date night". And that could be seen as non-committal...
But do something that you CAN commit to and stick to it. Now and into the future, indefinitely...
And be respectful of your W's likes, maybe she likes to mix things up, maybe she likes to go to the same place, over and over and over...
One time does not mean it's "working", but the results certainly appeared positive.
The only way you will know it is truly working is to do it again and see if the results are the same...
Go slow and steady with it, do not go overboard, once a month? Better than Once a week right now, or three times a week.
You don't want to overwhelm her, and you want this change to be real, easier to maintain a once a month scenario.
Enjoy the moment, but to do not affix expectations to it afterward. That was yesterday, today is a new day to prove yourself. Do not rest on your laurels, and do not look to far down the road; in this? Living in the Now serves you better.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
There is a BIG difference between setting a day aside and letting your W know the day is free if she wants to do something...
and PLANNING a day to do something...
Going on a date with your W is no doubt enjoyable for her, but as you have suggested, the fact that you took the lead on this one and got it all planned out and all she needed to do was... a) agree to go, and b) show up...
To me, this appears to be what she might have appreciated more than just an enjoyable evening with DM... I could be wrong, of course...
That's a really good point, Kaffe Diem... I think, in my wife's case she really appreciated both the fact that I set aside a night ahead of time for just us andthe fact that I took care of making actual plans. Two separate complaints of hers have been that I (1) very very rarely carved out time for just the two of us, and (2) that when we did go out and do something it was always at the last minute...she never had anything to look forward to.
She has said in the past that it's important to her ability to feel connected to me that I make an effort to spend time with just her, even if that's just going for a walk or hanging out on the deck at home, but that she also wants to be with someone who is willing to take charge of "making things happen"...to pick a date, time, and place and to take care of all of the necessary arrangements. I think, for her, the important thing will be mixing it up...alternating between setting aside time for the two of us, without the kids, to do "whatever"--even if that ends up just being a walk through the neighborhood and a night off from being parents, but then to also make plans for things that she can mark on the calendar and, as you said, all she'll have to do is agree to go and show up for.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Must be completely mindful of what Jack said above ^^^^^^^^^^...
TOO much and she may see it as pursuing... she might LIKE that, but it serves your M little if she doesn't have to put in a little effort to work on the M as well. Otherwise YOU get to live in an M where YOUR needs are not being met.
Because you BOTH have contributed to where your sitch is, right now.
Might be worth reviewing Chapters 3 and 4 of DR. Knowing what YOU want and ASKING for what you want.
Because every M is a balance between giving and receiving...
Receiving is NOT taking...
Taking: "I want flowers every week, I actually DESERVE flowers every week, so give me flowers."
Receiving: "I SOOO love getting flowers every week and I SOOOO appreciate that you are considerate enough to do that, knowing you could choose not to."
My W is a taker. She has expressed MANY times over the past year that she DESERVED so much more from me. Without acknowledging that which I DID for her, for the kids, for the home... for the family...
Be clear about what you would LIKE and want, but NOT what you think you deserve...
In the same token, it does appear that your W appreciates that you took the lead and made plans and spent time with your W... that she does not feel she DESERVED it...
For now, I was thinking along the lines of scheduling a sitter twice a month, and on one of those dates planning the day/night out myself--choosing the place, making the reservations, etc.; then, on the other date, I figured the kids would be covered by the sitter, but I would leave our options open so that we could do whatever my wife wanted whether it be going out somewhere or taking a day-trip or just being at home alone together without having to watch the kids...or maybe even if she didn't feel like doing something with me, just taking it as an opportunity for us to each get some alone time. Twice a month is a frequency that I think I can maintain consistently, now and forever.
As far as giving/receiving and asking for what I want...I think those are sage words you've written. I have to confess though, at this point in time I'm not sure I'm ready to ask for anything. My assumption is she's still got one foot out the door, and I'm wondering if it might be better to wait for some signs of stabilization first.
To my wife's credit, she was the giver in the relationship...so much so that she was actually afraid to ask for what she wanted. She tried to deny what she wanted and needed from me because she thought that to ask for those things meant she wasn't grateful for the things that I did provide. Or, when she did ask, it was almost always in kind of an indirect, beat-around-the-bush kind of way that never quite sank in with me. So, I guess if I was going to ask for something from her, it would just be that she communicate with me bluntly and directly...to ask for what she wants and needs in no uncertain terms. That's a discussion we've already recently had though, and really right now that's all I want from her. For the overwhelming majority of our marriage, my needs were being met by her, but up until not too long ago I've been quite in the dark about the extent to which I wasn't meeting hers.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
