Something happened three days ago that has shocked me so much that I have only just now felt able to post. On Monday am my xh asked my second son to do something illegal to 'help him out', My son who is adult, loathes saying no, but refused, I am happy to say.
But my xh was a most ethical and upright person - this above all shows me that he has undergone a total moral collapse that goes far beyond an affair. My son's gf who had recently met my xh was shocked to the core, as was I. It is true that they do things that we would never ever have thought possible and it really is all about them.
Later that day I got a very pleasant email from xh [after a couple of weeks silence]. i suspect that he wants to know if I know what he asked my son. I will reply in a few days, without providing any information. I do not want to get involved in this one, except to affirm my son that he did the right thing.
Further update: any lingering doubts that the MLCer is crazy here dispelled.
I got a brief email today, after two weeks silence, and signed "All good wishes"
I kid you not. I was married to this man for over 30 years, and painfully divorced by him, finalised 7 months ago. I can only say that the financial settlement displayed not one good wish . . . . . They are all over the place.
My former bil left my older sister after 3 kids, 22 yrs of m, and her working the whole time as a nurse. She put him thru law school, and was the giver in the m.
HE admits that, and now he is in a m with a woman whom HE describes as "high maintenance"- so yes there is karma and if you are lucky, you get to actually see it in this life time...
but back when they were m, this bil was a negatively programmed, self centered hair trigger temper man. Politically he was staunchly conservative. By personality, he was judgemental as heck and brutally critical of their children. I mean brutally. He attended an Episcopalian church after leaving the Catholic church.
So fast forward to NOW...10 years later, ex bil is a left winger. I mean, seriously a real LEFTIST...changed his economic and political views AND religious views, dramatically. He has his ear pierced, got a tattoo (formerly the subject of mockery by him, when others did it).
he bought a true MLC car & with a vanity license plate that screams "needy insecure MLCer wishing he'd never aged" (he never did "Get" what it meant to be cool. Still does the opposite of it).
Also announced to my sister, like a rebellious teen, that he's a "complete atheist & has been for awhile" (to which I would have said, "it shows").
In every way I can think of, he's gone to the other extreme EXCEPT...he's still a jerk to the kids. Less of one, but more indifferent than caring. Let's his new wife berate them.
They don't visit anymore as they are older. Their only d says her r with her dad is "doing alright. We see each other every few months for a meal, without his wife."....they live within an hour of each other& She has his only grandchildren. He sees them on their birthdays and Christmas.
Otherwise, he essentially changed personalities and married a woman the opposite of my sister, and changed places in the m.
Now HE does the marriage work, from what we can tell. His new w appears to be a taker. They are always in m counselling. She (the new wife, for whom he left my sister) is threatened by my sister. Ironic, isn't it? My sister would not take her ex back in a 222 years. Not b/c she's too angry. B/C she's too happy!
My sister is now married to a man who really "gets" her. He worships the ground she walks on.
She met him in the hospital when he was a patient. He asked her out. She said no, she couldn't date yet as she was recently divorced. She was not near ready. After, He sent her flowers and asked for coffee. She said "thanks for the flowers, no thanks to a date, but you're nice, so maybe in a year." She assumed he'd forget about her. Not so.
A year to the day later, he called. They've been m now for 7 years. And she is happier with her "new" h than she ever could have been with her ex h. Literally.
Even with his new personality, her ex is still irritable, self centered, &emotionally labile. Not an inwardly happy man. He THOUGHT it was the m that depressed him, but turns out, it was him.
to his credit, He does get this now. He told my sister words few LBSers get to hear.
Said he had "made a huge mistake" and that he regretted not working things out and hurting her and the kids. This was a month before her wedding to new h.
Her "new" h of 7 years is simply a happier man inside and out.
So I think my former bil did her a favor. I knew it at the time, but how can you tell that to someone who is very sad? I figured it would take her 2-3 years before she woke up to realize how much calmer her life is now. My younger sisters all agreed that "Someday, she'll be glad about this". I can't say she's "glad" for the divorce b/c of the pain to the kids, but she is glad he's out of her house and now that the kids are grown up, it's so smooth. She doesn't get that sick feeling about his latest rage episode or conflict, to which he was prone.
Anyhow, IDK how this will ultimately affect the kids, now grown up.
But I do know that some MLCers, for sure, don't come back their old selves. At least not so far, and it's been 10 yrs.
Hence the need for the LBSer to take care of their own lives and NOT assume all is hunky dory at OWs.
My ex bil is miserable but you wouldn't know it if you didn't hear what the kids heard when they visited him. (Many Muttered hushed conversations between ex bil and his new wife. EX bil having to spend nights on the couch or at a hotel after a big blow out... At a recent graduation party for their son, ex bil was grilling and his wife was whispering that SHE wanted to go...it was Ex Bil's idea to have the BBQ, to show us how great he's doing I think. I overheard him telling her "you can get through this..I know you can." I am telling you there were NO hostile vibes from us going to her. She wasn't really participating and was sort of not noticed. I mean, we were happy to have the mini reunion and celebrate nephew's college graduation. For his new w to feel THAT threatened or unable to cope is all on HER....and nutty to boot.
One last example of how little we know about how they're doing from what THEY tell us, versus reality... and then I'm signing off...but if you THINK your WAS is sooo happy...so did my sister. BUT
My sister's 15 y/o family dog needed to be put down...:( She and her ex h agreed about this and they both LOVED that dog. So did the kids.
This was the family dog of the first m. The kids were all adjusting to the divorce and remarriage AND now, the dog's death...a lot to handle.
It had only been months since both my sister and her ex h had each remarried.
Sister's "new h" made himself scarce so that the original family of five, could say good bye to their dog without the added stress of having OW and OM in the room and all their baggage or added tension.
The vet came to the home, they talked about the dog, recalled their favorite memories of her, petted her, fed her a fav meal, said their goodbeyes, and she passed away peacefully.
Ex bil then carried the dog out and buried her on his own, to his credit. It was a little bit of heroic stuff for HIM...and my Sister thanked him and he left.
Turns out, ex bil's new wife locked him out of their house. She was furious that SHE wasn't invited to the death ritual of the (first) family's dog, (an animal she despised, never housed). WTF?
Part of me feels sorry for former bil!! He picked a batchit woman. But she travels a lot so they spend 2+ weeks per month apart. No kids either. In HIS way it works. But is he HAPPY? God no. And he thinks "it happened TO HIM"...
as in, he feels sorry for how his life turned out..as if it landed on his head like a tree branch. Like he had no role in getting there
and as if he didn't inflict great pain on all those around him, those least deserving of it. Even now, it's Still all about HIM...God, he did my sister such a favor by leaving!! I remember that when I hear people saying "HE works in mysterious ways." He sure can.
So
Don't assume all the drama of the new, is good happy drama.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'll add a little bit to MLC craziness, My STBXW MLC craziness is now over 2 yrs and she is pushing for divorce. Her anger is getting worse both in her actions and the things she says. One would think since this is her choice and the seperation of property/assets is getting closer she would be more happy and the anger towards me/family would be less. It seems the opposite is happening. Other opposites that are noticed during the process. She use to be a very generous person. Giving to the needy, helping out people in various ways. As it stands now 2 of the kids live with me full time and 1 about 60-70%. During the splitting of property she wanted the kids furniture to be split as she put it on a list to be seperated. Of couse I would not let that happen but to her in her current state this seemd a perfectly acceptable request. There were a couple of other items on the list such as food which she wanted split even though she moved out 9 months ago. Really? I have to chuckle because to do anything else gives her story more power than it is worth.
After 2+ years of this stuff I realize my role in this is to be the best father I can be. To allow the kids to aske me questions and not judge my STBXW and her crazy antics but to gently show them the reality that is our lives right now and to be OK with it.
They have commented that life is smooth and more fun at the house. Less drama.
As far as an end to the hostilities. it looks like it will go on for a while. You would think it would be the opposite the closer to divorce it gets.
25years. I happen to know that my xh and ow are not happy - he described his r with her to middle son's partner very recently as 'over before it started' wtf. That was nearly 6 years ago and they still see each other, although they don't live together.
When she called while son was staying with him he looked depressed and was in a bad mood for the rest of the evening. Like your bil he thinks stuff happened to him.
BUT prior to MLC my xh was a very very nice man and was extremely happy with him.
A postscript, since starting to write this I have another email from xh thanking me for a pc I sent him a while back. Something that would have had not significance to anyone but us. I actually sent it because I was feeling happy and free, and wanted him to feel good, and know I would not have sent it unless I did feel good. But that was weeks ago . . . . . I feel I am dealing with someone with very little grasp of reality. A fact which my therapist agrees with. He see my xh as very unstable, and close to a breakdown. we shall see. I rather hope not, unless it provides him with the chance to finally sort out whatever sent him over the edge.
Spirit - the hostility does seem eventually to die down. The craziness further down the line is different, and less angry and more bewildered. Hard to explain.
In the early stages they are very much fighting us and what we stand for. Later on their grasp of reality generally seems to weaken. An old friend of mine heard from my xh recently after a couple of years silence and he spent quite a lot of time talking about a pair of trousers he had bought. She said she had to pinch herself to check she wasn't dreaming, it was so unreal.
Beatrice, You are so right about the hostility and crazy behavior play out. It's a long process and one that we can actually put our finger on from day-to-day. Their grasp on reality is totally gone and will be that way for quite some time.
Thirteen years later...my xh is still out to lunch and never returned to earth as the person he once was.
It's very sad when they flip and still haven't faced reality after a few years down the road. They miss out on a lot of meaningful events in the real world and those are the events, etc., that can't be duplicated. What a waste.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree about the missing out and waste. We always had a big family party for my xh's birthday. Now it is looming [one of the reasons for the emails I suspect] I believe he is missing it. The first few years he liked the 'freedom'. Although he cannot admit it to anyone, even himself, and certainly not the OW, I think he would love a family partner with all of his kids and their wives/gfs, and the cake and all the things he thought he didn't want, and spent so many years running from.
Beatrice, I firmly believe that they do "miss" what they ran from. However, they will not admit it until much later on and in some cases after everyone has moved on or they are on their death bed.
They tend to contact us around holidays and special events because they do remember the goods times and yes, they still want us to know that they do. They just don't know how to communicate w/us while they are on the lam.
It's a huge loss to everyone when they are like this. Unfortunately, all we can do is have faith that God will guide them in the right direction and keep them safe. Some of them will be strong enough to work their way back to their families, others will not, i.e., like my xh. He's definitely a long time goner.
Beatrice, I sincerely hope that your xh will find his way back to you and your family and he can find the strength to make it work and learn from his crisis what he needed to know in order to grow up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Beatrice, I love your thread! Always great insight from you and those that post to you.
Even after almost 2 years of H being gone I sometimes want to ask him if there is anything he misses about me or our life together.
I don't do it because I'm sure it would set him off spewing and I still let him have the power to hurt me sometimes. I'm better off not giving him the opportunity.
I do believe he may miss some things. For instance Christmas was very special at our house. (It still is) I do hear of him trying to recreate some of our traditions with the ow. Sometimes I can't help wondering if he enjoys it as much there or if it's a hollow shell of what ours were like when he was here.
