Beatrice, You sound very grounded and I think you are one wise lady to be patient and watch the drama as it unfolds. I think your xh does realize that he screwed up royally and now doesn't know how to make things right.
If you can be patient for a while, I'd let him figure out how to squeese through the crack in the wall. It's tough, but we do have to allow them to do the work in order to make it back to us. Hang in there. I think your xh's drama is going to be very intersting in the months to come.
Well a month on and I have had a good month. Occasional email exchanges with xh. While he isn't as funny as Brooklyn's x he does do some strange things.
Today my youngest son received an email copying me in about son's finances while he finishes up grad school. Now, we have not co-parented at all sadly, just too much venom, also my son is now almost 25 and the divorce settlement is done and dusted. I have my money and he has his, to do as we like with. No mention of adult children at the time, and there is no reason at all to include me in this exchange.
It is as if son was 18 [age he was when xh walked out] and we had been in a dialogue all this time about all of this stuff. My son just feels it is inappropriate in every way to start involving me in this, as do I. We discussed it, and I am ignoring the email, and my son is dealing with his father, gently and gratefully for the financial support, but pointing out that he is an adult, and is financially responsible.
Mach and SA - Thanks for your comments. I do not know what is going on. I am pretty detached, in that I like my life, and I truly think my xh has been and still mostly crazy, and I am better off without him the way he has been this past 6 years, sadly.
I think I am just watching the show. He has reached out to his children more in the last few months, but they still find him very very strange.
My son also feels that it is as if he is still 18, instead of nearly 25.
Hi Brooklyn - I hope you did not think I was laughing at your expense btw - I think it is amazing how you find the detachment to report all this crazy stuff. You show it for what it really is - their complete unawareness of what the rest of us would call reality. But it seems to make perfect sense to them at the time. Although even you xh realises what he is saying is lame. I get the sense that his mouth is open and words are coming out but the brain isn't fully engaged.
I just remembered something quite strange that happened a couple of weeks back [either I am super detached or have a MLC mind LOL].
Xh sent me a link to a programme he thought I would enjoy with a one line note. Well I was busy and didn't listen for a week, and when I did it was odd, because it was about someone we both enjoyed who is not quite mainstream . . . . We went to see him live many years ago, [unusual for us, we tended to go to theatre and concerts]. Then somewhat out of the blue comes this link. Anyway I listened and acted nice and sent a brief note of thanks for the link, but it wasn't until today that I thought how odd it was. this was something intensely personal, and great fun out of our deep past.
But it doesn't do to speculate on what is going on in the MLC mind!!
Hi, there are a lot of newbies on the boards right now, and I am so sorry that you are where you are. I am writing quite a long post because my xh has been in full MLC for 6 years [bomb drop Oct 2005, preceded by sharp behaviour change July 2005], and I have an update on where he might be.
My middle son and his gf have just returned from visiting his father, and aare staying with me. Now this visit could not have taken place even six months ago, as he was still too mean and confused, although nicer then than previously!. He is much nicer and more like his old self according to son. Son's gf, who is very upfront, had a long conversation with him while they were staying. He now says how much he loves his children, that his affair with OW 'was over before it started' - his words, but it is 6 years on and she is still in the picture, although not around while they were there, and they do not live together.
He has still rewritten history somewhat - peddling the myth of a happy childhood, when 15 years ago he reduced a friend of mine to tears with an account of its abusiveness.
And most mportant, he expressed no regrets about anything he did - it was 'necessary' according to him. She found this very very weird, as in her 'normal' world, people do not walk out on a long marriage, but try and work things out, and if they don't work out there is real regret.
So this is confirmation of the information posted many years ago by Snodderly on TMAK's thread on reconnection. They reconnnect with their children before they start reconnecting with us [if they do]. Our fragile communication has ceased again, and I think he is still processing hard.
Both son and gf thought he was very depressed, and he is still somewhat trying to be young.
I am fine, glad that he is rebuilding bridges and meeting his sons' partners. I have no expectations but hope that one day we may at least be able to be real friends again. This isn't usually possible in MLC because they blame us for everything.
Incidentally he has done about 7 'touch and goes' between April 2006 and May 2010 [but not since then] - and even in january 2010 told me how terribly sorry he was. This feels different from those.
So, the journey can be very very long, and there are no guarantees that he will make it through all the way. It is tremendously important that we live our lives with integrity, for ourselves and our children if we have them. They are watching us and learning lessons.
