WAW, not sure how to proceed...

[dearme]

So I haven't mentioned to my wife anything about the fact that we had sex, or what it might mean as far as our relationship...but I do find it a little puzzling that she hasn't brought it up herself...even if just to tell me it doesn't mean anything has changed or whatever. Just continuing with the 180's/GAL, and making a real point (quietly) of giving her her space.

My time at home is mainly spent getting stuff done around the house/yard and keeping the kids entertained; she's still helping to some degree with that stuff, but I've noticed (and she's acknowledged on her own) that she's been spending a lot of time keeping herself distracted by screwing around on the internet/playing games on her iPod. My tact has been to just "let" her do whatever she feels like she needs to be doing right now.

It's weird...for someone who is ostensibly still firm on getting a divorce, she doesn't act like someone who is detaching. She still wants to be close when watching tv/movies together, still puts herself up against me when going to bed, still wants me to give her back rubs and massages... Is this a case of her having her cake and eating it to? I don't know...but I feel like the best thing to do is continue creating an environment that she'll miss if she decides to leave, rather than creating an environment devoid of all of those things. Still, I do as much as I can to let her come to me rather than pushing myself on her.

[dearme]

If any women read this... I sure would love any insight into the female mind that you can offer. The sex thing has really thrown me for a loop, but I'm still refraining from commenting or asking her about it. But I do think it's a little strange, to say the least, that she hasn't said anything about it herself.

[NTX_Dad]

I know your curiosity is killing about about the meaning of the encounter the other night, but I'd definitely refrain from bringing it up at all. I'm not even sure I would talk about it if she finally does bring it up.

[Psych77]

I had that happen to me as well, recently. All I can really say is, take it as an encouraging moment, suggesting that there is *some* feeling there, but don't make anything more of it. If you do, you will start looking for it, pursuing her, and that is always a big problem.

Sounds like that is what you are doing. That's my advice. Have a life. Be available for her, but not TOO available. In other words, don't be waiting for her to need you, but if she seeks you out show her that you are willing to make an effort to make time for her in YOUR schedule. And have enough of a life that it IS an effort to do so.

I'm glad we're all here for each other.

[dearme]

Well, my wife came home from dinner at her parents last night, and she told me that they had offered to let her and the kids move in with her. For the most part I just listened without commenting, but inside I was thinking "Well, that's just great, she gets to continue living a pretty carefree lifestyle, hanging out with her friends, drinking at the bars after work, live-in babysitters, rent paid for, food paid for..." I get the impression her parents aren't aware that she's pretty much loving me up most of the time, and that they think they're rescuing her from a situation of alienation and estrangement. Kind of irritates/aggravates me...but I guess it's just another thing that's out of my hands.

The sex did come up. Funny, she says she was so drunk that she didn't even remember who initiated it (odd, considering she drove home that night and didn't seem that drunk at all), and that the next day she didn't know what to think or how to handle it so she just didn't say anything about it. As far as all the other closeness we've been having, she says that's just because we're still "such good friends". I didn't have too much to say about that either, other than to point out that I don't know any good friends, male or female, that have the type of closeness that we have...you know, guys don't snuggle with good friends, even if women do.

Other than that, she said that she wishes she could get over the hurt and pain and resentment that she's felt over not having her needs met over the course of the marriage, especially since she know she contributed to it some by not communicating very well... but she feels like she can't get over that hurt/pain/resentment and because of that she knows the relationship "isn't meant to be."

So, where to go from here...I'm not quite sure...

[dearme]

I guess I'm thinking about the LRT and "going dark"...to whatever extent you can do that when you still live with someone and have kids together. I feel like up until now I've been GAL and doing 180's, and I'll continue to do those for me... but as far as she and I go...I don't know. Last night she tells me she's planning on moving out and that she feels just as done as ever, then this morning she wants to hug and get a back rub, and then calls me from her cell phone while on her way to her counseling appointment "to tell me something really funny" she just saw. Being just "good friends" doesn't work for me...but I also still want to save my marriage and don't want to do anything to convince her that moving out is the right decision. What at total bucket of suck.

[dearme]

I don't know...maybe being "just good friends" is what this is all about. Having the strength to be "just good friends" regardless of how this ends, and by having that strength, saving (hopefully) the marriage.

[fade]

Wife went out after work last night; came in around 1:30am…..surprise, surprise, she initiated sex with me

Last night though, she came home reeeally drunk from a night out with her friends

One day we were making love and she was telling me she loved me, and literally the next day she was telling me how unhappy she was and she wanted a divorce.

my wife is the one who makes the decision to bail and she's the one who seems to be having the hard time.

I've noticed (and she's acknowledged on her own) that she's been spending a lot of time keeping herself distracted by screwing around on the internet/playing games on her iPod. My tact has been to just "let" her do whatever she feels like she needs to be doing right now.

Fine, I will be the first to suggest perhaps she is having an affair. You have to admit she has not been honest with you about her feelings before, you cant assume she is being honest about them now. You need to do some snooping to find out what is really going on, because once she moves out you will be down to few options.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Here is what snooping does to you, it becomes an addiction of sorts.

You start looking and you don't find something, so you keep looking and looking, you confront her with phone numbers from her phone you don't recognize, you start grilling her. You look crazed. Onve you start thinking she is having one? It doesn't matter if she is or not, because you think so. And either she is lying and breaking your heart or she is being honest and breaking your heart.

Is she having an affair?

Maybe, maybe not.

A marriage can thrive after an affair. Affairs do not mean the end of a marriage. It takes alot of strength on your part though.

So is she? Isn't she?

Screw those questions right now, the real question is can you handle it?

If she moves out? You still have options, they are just different.

[dearme]

Thanks, Jack. I tend to agree with you on all fronts.

There was a time when I considered her having an affair a possibility. I would be naive not to have considered it. But I don't really think she has had one, nor do I think she's having one now. At the beginning of this year, when she was acting in a way that, for the first time in our marriage, made me think she might be having one, I asked her point blank and told her why I was suspecting it. She broke down and cried and was beside herself for having "made" me think that, and essentially agreed that she was behaving in a way that would make a reasonable person think he was being cheated on, and that's how I learned about how unhappy she was. She said in a way she was cheating, but it wasn't with another man, it was essentially with another "life", one that she was living with her friends because she felt like our relationship wasn't providing much of an alternative, and it was easier and more fun to forget about how unhappy she was at home and just spend as much time as possible with her friends.

If she is having, or had, an affair I would forgive her. I understand the circumstances that would have led to it.

The facts as they stand, as they've been explained to me: For almost the entirety of our marriage, my wife has needed and wanted things from me (some practical/tangible, some emotional) that she hasn't been getting. She feels like she tried and tried to communicate those needs to me, but couldn't get through, and so she ended up trying to convince herself that she could be happy without them, and that she had to be happy without them because I wasn't capable of providing them. Eventually she couldn't convince herself of that anymore, and decided she wanted a divorce because she couldn't stay in the relationship and continue being unfulfilled.

She's seeing some real changes in me, some real 180's, but she doesn't believe they're permanent, and she thinks that even if they are, she doesn't believe all of the pain and anger and resentment that she feels as a result of going for so long without her needs being met will ever go away. And she has said she refuses to put her heart out on the line for this relationship again because she feels like she'll just get hurt again. So her decision to get a divorce stands. And now that her parents have offered her a place to live, we're not "stuck" in the same house anymore, so she's ready to go. In about a month is the timeline she's given me. I still have no idea where the heck I'll go. Can't afford a place on my own in this town, and can't find an affordable place that will allow me to have my kids.

Care to elucidate on my options if she does move into her parents, Jack? Or if I should continue on as I have been during the time that we're still together?

The puzzling thing is, despite talking about all of this last night, this morning she still asked if I would give her a back rub, and still wanted me to walk down to the beach with her and the kids before lunch today.