Gotta confess, the stress of this limbo is getting to me, but I keep it to myself.
It's kind of ironic, my wife is the one who makes the decision to bail and she's the one who seems to be having the hard time; meanwhile, I would do anything to keep us together but by all outward appearances I'm doing ok... emphasis on "outward appearances". There are times when I'm dying on the inside, but I'm managing to keep it all in check.
I have to say, "getting a life" has definitely achieved its primary goal of keeping me sane. If nothing else, my wife gave me a real wake-up call regarding the person I had become... I had pretty much stopped participating in life, and now I'm back in it. It feels good too...I just hope it doesn't come at the high cost that it appears it might.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
My wife brought up her counseling session when she got home from work Tuesday night. Apparently they discussed how to break it to the kids, and my wife wanted to know my thoughts. The plan is to tell them that mom and dad love each other still, but decided not to be married anymore. I told her that's fine, but we need to be honest with ourselves that this is my wife's decision not mine. I also told her that I don't want to say anything to the kids until we've found other living arrangements... that's a HUGE factor for us; neither one of us is able to find someplace else to live because of our financial situation.
So, it was all a pretty big shock. I'm making the 180's for me...but I still hoped they would have caused some change of heart with her. Maybe it hasn't been long enough yet...or maybe she's truly just done. Wife told me she hasn't made any progress finding a place to live, so that at least buys some more time.
The "how do we tell the kids" talk lead to a long discussion about our relationship. She reiterated that she loves me but isn't in love with me, I reiterated that as far as she and I go, I'll survive the divorce--but not seeing the kids everyday is a wound I'm not sure will ever heal. Had a much more in-depth talk than that, but not sure there's any point detailing it here. I basically just said what I said before...that what happened to us as a couple and where we are in our marriage isn't uncharted territory, and that I believe based on what we still have we could rebuild something better that would last...but that I also understood why she feels the way she does.
So...I guess I'll just keep up the 180's and GAL...it's the only thing keeping me sane. In the meantime, I'm not sure how to proceed with LRT...we're still getting along great...after the talk last night we went and hung out on the couch together and watched tv, with her stretched out across my lap, and we went to bed with her lying up against me as usual. Just not sure what to do next.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
I guess that's something I need to figure out...how the heck do you do the LRT when you're still living together, still getting along great, still in the same bed, and have kids? I'm GAL and doing things on my own...but when we're home together we're still like best friends. She said so herself last night. And she re-stated that the sex (althoug we're not having it now) was the one thing we always got right. That's the insane part about this for me... the things that we STILL seem to have are the things that I always thought a long-term, committed, loving relationship are built on.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
and that I believe based on what we still have we could rebuild something better that would last
While that is true, it is like "I love you".
You sayingthat reminds them that they don't feel that way...right now.
With a very similar conversation with our kids...
We told them that "We weren't sure we wanted to be married right now." It was a bit more honest without pointing fingers.
Quote:
Maybe it hasn't been long enough yet...or maybe she's truly just done.
Out of those two choices? Lets go with the one where you continue to keep up these changes you like; the first one.
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I'm not sure how to proceed with LRT...we're still getting along great...
Soooooo, why LRT then?
Consider this time FREE MARKETTING, your sales pitch is your deeds and actions. When you LRT, she isn't going to see it as often. Sell yourself now, best face, without you wearing ballons, and signs and saying "Hey? Just curious but have you noticed HOW MUCH I have CHANGED?!?!"
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I have to say J3B, you're one of the most insightful people here. I guess I didn't make the connection on my own, but I see what you're saying about the similarities between "I love you" and, to paraphrase myself, "we can make it through this." If that's not where she is, that's not where she is. She knows what I think, so no need to reiterate it...not at this point anyway.
To my credit, regardless of whether it hasn't been long enough yet or she's truly just done, I'll keep up the changes. One thing I realized in all of this is how much I had whittled my life down to just my wife and the kids, and how much it drained her to feel like she was the sole source of my social life. It kind of terrified me to think about how my life would be if/when we get divorced...I would be one lonely guy. So I figured I would turn that around post-haste, so that my social life would already have been kicked into gear if it comes to that; the added benefit being that it serves as a really important 180.
As far as the LRT...I guess I'm assuming that's what you move on to when a WAW seems firm in her decision. But maybe that's not the right move when the relationship is like ours is? That's the confusing thing about this for me...that we still get along so well. There was never any breakdown in the friendship, no alienation or estrangement. One day we were making love and she was telling me she loved me, and literally the next day she was telling me how unhappy she was and she wanted a divorce. And even now, in one breath she'll tell me I'm her best friend, even better than her best girl-friend, and grab hold of my arm and rest her head on my shoulder, and then in the next breath she'll make a suggestion about a possible new place for me to live. I don't know if it's our age difference or what (there's almost 10 years between us), but at this point in my life, I figure if you've got a "best friend" that you also have "great sex" with, and that friend is willing and able to work on and change the things that you're unhappy about...and you have 2 kids on top of that...I just can't imagine choosing to throw that away instead of sticking it out. I guess that type of thinking is counter-productive at this point though...and I should probably stop trying to get inside her head.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Just to get it off my chest, one thing my wife said in our "how to break it to the kids" talk that really got to me, for some reason, is that she felt like our relationship had just reached the end of the road...that there was no where further for us to go together. It just struck me as so sad...and so the opposite of the way I feel. I feel like my life is opening up to so many new things and new possibilities for the first time in years, and for her to feel that we're essentially at a dead end... it's like we're looking at the same thing but seeing two totally different things.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Hang in there. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. We started our "episode" back in April and there was a lot of confusion over the following two months. Three weeks ago we were pretty much at the point of divorcing, and I know my wife consulted with an attorney.
I have been going to therapy and she's joined me a couple of times. I have been upbeat, happy, steady, and strong, and it's working. My wife was a few minutes late to our counseling this week and we started without her, and the therapist told me my wife said to her privately last week that she is now certain she wants to stay married to me and work hard on our relationship. What a turn around in just three weeks!
Keep the faith.... continue GAL'ing, being happy, steady, and strong. Women are attracted to confidence and happiness.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Just thinking about my counseling session today...
My therapist said if my wife is truly co-dependent (something my wife has described herself as being), then a lot of the time for people like her it's "all or nothing." That is, when they're in love they completely ignore any complaints or negative things they feel about the person and the relationship, avoid all conflict, and only allow themselves to focus on the good things...until one day something tips the scale and/or they aren't able to ignore the negative things they may feel about the relationship anymore, and then it's like a switch gets flipped and they "fall out of love" and all they can focus on is the bad stuff to the complete exclusion of any of the positive things that they once felt. That definitely sounds something like our situation. Not that that allows me to shift any type of blame for this on to her, because I surely gave my wife a host of things to be deeply unhappy about...I just wish she had been more direct in communicating what they were to me, earlier in the relationship. Hearing unflattering things about yourself sure hurts a hell of a lot less than hearing "I want a divorce."
Another thing, over the last couple days my wife has made...intimations...about having felt during our marriage that she lost herself...lost her identity and lost sight of who she is and who she wanted to be. And it seems that she's thinking those are things she won't be able to figure out or reclaim within the relationship. It's a little surprising, as I always encouraged her to maintain as much of her own life as she felt like she wanted...but I suspect it has less to do with a perceived lack of "freedom" on her part than it does with her trying to convince herself for so long that she would be happy even if I never changed the things about myself that were, consciously or subconsciously, making her unhappy. At least I know what those things are now though, and I have a solid list of 180's as a result...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Wife went out after work last night; came in around 1:30am and joined me in bed. I haven't made any sexual advances toward her since an ill-fated attempt back on July 4th, and we haven't had sex at all since the day before she dropped the bomb back on June 22nd. Surprise, surprise, she initiated sex with me. I'm not going to take it as anything more than her being tipsy and horny...but d@mn it was nice to experience that again. The past month has been the longest dry spell I've had during the last 8 years.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
