HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[Starsky309]

Forgiveness, and standing up for your own value (even if you end up getting angrier than you would have liked) are two completely separate things, 35.

Yes, forgive him (altho you might want to throw in a "go and sin no more," lol), and yes, try to limit your angry outbursts (this is why NC is advised). But don't beat yourself up too much. As a fellow believer, I could just as easily make the case that you were standing up for holiness within your marriage, and within your marital home.

Starsky

[AloneAt35]

Off topic, but my faith has always been my private thing...very much not appreciated/understood by Ex-P. And this faith is nothing I share with much of anyone. I tuck my Bible away so Ex-P doesn't get the heebie jeebies off of it. My relationship with God and "Jr." is just between me, God, and Jr. (I'm a Johnny Cash Christian if I'm any kind of Christian.)

Yet Ex-P always benefited from this faith he never understood - from the peace, strength, and hope it brought into my life. And mostly from the times he asked me to help him figure things out (and I framed the advice in a purely secular manner that he could relate to).

Now I am failing in my faith. I feel it slipping away. I know God is there and yet I acted so un-Godly in my anger toward Ex-P.

But I am tired of enabling this relationship with OW at my own expense. I know to forgive 70 times 7. I know that I am too invested in Ex-P, and that my anger shows that I haven't *really* given him over to God.

But I just want to say this, for people of faith, the end of a relationship is so much more fraught with tests. We know that if we lose faith, we lose God's favor. We have to maintain faith while being tormented by our partners. When we don't, we punish ourselves with further torment. We have to worry about being right with God, which sometimes means being painfully lonely. We have to face the fact that if our relationships don't work out, entering a new relationship is not so clear cut. We aren't allowed to 'move on' and dream of the comfort of being loved by someone else. We are told to trust in signs from God and wait for a miracle when we are tempted to just take matters into our own hands and find happiness. We are compelled to trust in His signs and His Word when the signs and words of our partners is in complete opposition. We are told to NOT LISTEN to the advice of worldly people when sometimes these are the people who love and help us the most...

It all amounts to a CR*PTACULAR personal crisis and a spiritual crisis rolled into one and I'm just so tired, so very tired. I just know that I can't pass this test. I feel doomed either way. I'm probably using my Bible as a talisman at this point, I'm just in so much pain. I'm probably the worst Christian out there.

[Okay, end of church-lady AA35, back to regular AA35.]

I'm still young, though not so young. What does the future hold for me?

[♪CS♪]

Now I am failing in my faith. I feel it slipping away. I know God is there and yet I acted so un-Godly in my anger toward Ex-P.

AA35, you are beating yourself up WAY too much over this. I didn’t read anything in your update where you said anything terrible. You didn’t call him names that I remember; you didn’t try to specifically hurt him that I remember. You got angry.

You’re not God, you’re human.

Now, if you see something that you want to learn from, then that is great. Learn from it, improve for the next time. That is progress, that is good.

Now, I am a spiritual person but not a religious one. However, I do respect religion. I am pretty certain Christianity teaches forgiveness, right? Forgiving yourself.

[AloneAt35]

Okay, you are right Country Song. It wasn't that terrible. I didn't curse him or act spiteful or raise my voice, but where was the unconditional love? Maybe its running out?

On the bright side, I could just say that it's another 180. After all, loving this man without conditions for 20 years led up to THIS - his abandonment.

[angel61]

I agree. You are beating yourself up waay too much.

It is normal to feel anger and resentment. The important thing is you do recognize that it is not a good thing. As 25 mlc says (something to this effect, can't remember the exact words.

"Anger is like setting yourself on fire to get smoke in your oponents eyes"

And believe me, after going through this or a year now, I have discovered that not only I am hurting myself when I get angry, and also, hurting the marriage and the family, because it inevitably makes the situation worse.

Think of it this way: you are not doing anything wrong, he is. demanding at this point that he do the right thing just won't work, as he is damaged, sick, having a MLC, or whatever else. You know he was a good man before this all started (just like my H, and many others here in the boards), so we know that at this point they are NOT acting like themselves. Thats why we call them aliens!

Hopefully, someday, their true selves will emerge and the alien will leave. But until then....

Leave it to God. Forgive him... and let go.

I know, easy to say, and truth to tell, it is a looong process. People have been saying it to me since I started posting, and I still have to totally do it.

And about faith .....I believe that it takes a conscious effort as well to maintain it. I read up everyday, read devotionals from rejoice ministries. They believe in standing for your M, and it is that belief now that keeps me from just bolting out of that door one day and leaving everything.

There is somuch in the future for you, as you said, you are still young. It will pass....

[♪CS♪]

Great post angle.

Your last line.

It will pass....

Is actually very powerful. There is a line in a book I just read.

This, too, will pass.

As with every moment. Whether we call that moment 'good' or we call it 'bad'

That is why we cannot attach ourselves to them. If we attach to them, those moments, which are now in the past, still have power. But in reality, the past does not have any power. So believing so will keep you stuck.

[AloneAt35]

Thanks guys, you are right, but so much easier said than done.

Ex-P called around five to give me the warning about switching the utilities and at 10:00PM I see my phone has been shut off. Five hours notice...or no notice at all. Just like my health insurance...he called to tell me he was dropping me after it had already been done. Thanks Ex-P, thanks a lot. I guess that its my gold watch for 20 years of faithful service.

Every moment is sink or swim. I'm looking at my paycheck and sinking.

[♪CS♪]

AA35, just a question for you.

I see your stats say common law M.

Do you know if your state recognizes this? Or what the legalities of this might mean? If not, it might be wise to speak to a L. If money is tight, there are always free legal advice options out there.

Sorry if this is a repeat question, I have not kept up with your sitch from the beginning.

[AloneAt35]

Country Song,

We relocated to a state that does not recognize common law marriages a few years ago for Ex-P's work. I mentioned at the time that it made me feel vulnerable but was assured we would always be together and I had nothing to worry about, blah, blah, blah.

I have consulted a lawyer to no avail. I'm on my own.

[♪CS♪]

AA35,

Thanks for answering my question. You know, it isn't a terrible thing at all.

The legal aspects of D are really only a hindrance in all of this anyway. Too often, people focus on trying to prevent the L D, when all it is, is a byproduct of the problem. Not THE problem. So without it, at least you will not have the distraction.

Keeping moving forward and working on you. Your Ex-P has some serious drama in his life. Let it be his, and not yours.