Not much change in the past two weeks which means either the baby steps are not being noticed as much by me or I must change up the interaction.
It was 6 months yesterday since the bomb, I decided maybe I should take the IC's advice and pull back completely but not in a mean way. He needs to feel what divorce is like. Its just hard because he gets to come around when he wants, if he wants and now its starting to wear on me. I haven't been a doormat in my own mind, although others say I am.
Decided to take the kids to a waterpark for the day. He called last nite to say he will come over for dinner but I said I made plans to take the kids out for the day. He paused. I said "Is something wrong?" he just said "No, I was driving and saw something that preoccupied me". I know it bothered him because we did everything as a family and he has said how he misses family time with all of us. I knew at that point he will try to get even in some way but I just acted 'as if' and even tried to keep the convo going in a postive tone.
This morning I wake up to a text asking me for a copy of my paystub. I tried to call but he didn't answer, shocker. I knew he was going to try someway to ruin my day but I did everything I could to not let it (but it did at some points of the day). I even went as far to text him to let him know we made it there safe and back home safe (of which he replied ok).
I'm scared to do this but I have to face this fear. I did nothing wrong taking the kids out for the day and not inviting him. He chose to leave, he needs to know that if he D's me, he won't have those moments as a family. If he D's me because of something like this to put him out of 'confusion' then he really is messed up. I am trying to go with the theory of pulling away to save myself from all of this constant hurt and yet hope to draw him in.
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
Don't let him ruin your day with your kids. He is probably upset that he wasn't invited but he needs to know that part of leaving is not being there for the fun moments. Next time don't text him let him text you. I took my kids away last weekend for the first time and it was so weird not to have H with us. I didn't call him at all I let him call us and a few times I just handed the phone to the kids and didn't talk to him at all. He was super nice to me while I was gone but as soon as I got home it was the same on and off treatment. Don't let his moods determine your moods!!!
Thanks Paige, I tried my best, ended up being a pretty good day!
Woke up a bit early and snuck on D2s FB to see his page (since he refused to add me as a friend when he joined FB in Jan).
He Posted:
"Can you survive without needing your heart? Not physically but from an emotional side..."
Ok now does this mean he is starting to look inward? Let alone the fact that since he started this thought process he can't sleep. I so bad just wanna email saying good morning but I can't. It could disrupt this process so instead I am writing this note. I know I am not suppose to read into these thoughts too.
Its so aggravating to know that your love is being thrown away and yet my H has feelings that is trying to deny himself.
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
Well fellow DBers, I have a long post here...sorry...maybe be pieceing now?
Crazy weekend to say the least. Friday I found a dime bag in my car that D1 admitted too. I had a talk with her and left the bag out for H to see when he came to get D3 and S but forgot when they came and went.
Saturday he brought S and D3 back and we all had fun in the pool as a family.He got ready to leave because I had a family party and he saw the bag then. I said how I wanted to tell him. He was so upset and left very mad. I called him 10 minutes later but he said he didn't want to talk. I asked was he upset about the D1 incident and he said yes and has to go, so I hung up. A few hours later he texts me saying "We need to talk". I responded ok and he said "sometime this week", I said "how about tomorrow" and he just responded "Shall see". Of course he ruins my one night again. After my family party and fireworks over the river I stopped by his family party (since the SML reaches out to me all the time and wants me included). He had quite a bit to drink and was not a person I wanted to be around. D1 and D2 also said the same. Came home and D1 said "Mommy, he is not the Daddy we had, he is gone. You deserve better". And as I fell asleep, I did decide then that I was going to drop the rope. I even went onto the internet sites this morning and emailed someone who I was interested in. Felt its time, for myself; he has too many issues to work on for himself.
He texts around noon saying he may ride over to swim with us. Then texts saying should he pick up something for dinner. Came over again to just some family pool time on a hot day.
After all the kids went inside I asked him what did he want to talk to me about? He said he wasn't ready to talk yet, not completely prepared but he is ready to start meeting to try again. He doesn’t know where I stand but after what happened to D1 and D2 going downhill lately and D3 asking about coming home he is thinking he is ready in that we should try again. He thinks that he isn’t happy gone either and doesn’t want to have the kids be unhappy if he can avoid it too. He said he doesn’t know where I stand but this is his thought process now. I just listened and said nothing. He said we would have to start with a clean slate. I said about counseling and he said the usual he doesn’t believe in it. He said if that is the deal breaker for me then he understands but at this point he doesn’t want to do that, he would rather meet and maybe then goto a counselor. I explained how it’s about third party moderation and he said he doesn’t think we need that if we communicate as well as we are now. He thinks my counselor would only take my side after hearing my side all this time, so I suggested another but he still said he isn’t sure it we need that either. He said he knows how he can just con them into saying what they want to hear so it won’t work. He said how he has learned a lot and talked to a lot of people. He thinks we were just content and he doesn’t want just that. He said so many people can’t believe we lasted this long with nothing in common. I just listened. Couple times D3 came out to interrupt, ugh. So I said what are the reasons that now you want to try again? He said for the kids, for himself, for me not to have all the burden of the kids and for the potential us. He said he is scared and knows though that there are no guarantees, I agreed. He said that when something is bothering him he will not hold it in anymore. I explained about time and place for everything and how he contradicts himself cause just last nite he wouldn’t talk when he was mad. He agreed with me and said he wanted to think about it and calm down a bit before talking. He talked to a friend yesterday afternoon and saw my point but also said how the opposite could be that it was a spite thing that I wasn’t telling him. He said when he left yesterday he was so mad he was calling his lawyer because the mortgage is in his name and if Amanda is doing these things, he doesn’t want accountability but then stopped and thought. I said if that was the case, why would I even leave the bag there as a reminder? He agreed then. He said its good I see friends and he wants to be able to do that without me giving him and issue but he does understand that it means he and I have to do things together too for the quality time, I agreed. He brought up how he can’t hear me say I am done and he said that to me in November but I did it again so he just said he was done too. I said how it was a bad choice of words but the action of leaving is greater but he feels it was the same (sore point there). He did say that after we meet maybe then he would consider going to counseling. About an hour into it he said that we will meet one nite and then start to talk and go from there. Then he said he is hungry and we should eat and Alyssa came out again anyway. So we ate, he hung out for a bit and then let saying he will probably cut the grass tomorrow night. I thanked him for dinner but didn’t do anything overly exciting.
Ok so now I dunno what to think. I thought I’d be so happy. I’m not sad right now but I am actually wondering if I should try. Its an hour after he left and I am still in a state of shock.
Is this piecing then or still limbo? I totally understand how the LBS becomes the WAW right now. Before I came to update here I looked to see if the person I reached out to sent back a message, but no such luck.
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
