It's late at night. My youngest is on Skype with several friends and I am watching shows on my DVR that I never got around to watch.
A HUGE surprise today, well at least huge to me, if you knew my wife. She has tried to sever all ties to me, as much as she can with us sharing 3 children, so she usually has the attitude that when the kids are with me, I make the decisions and when they are with her, she makes the decisions. If it is relatively important, I always consult her. I also check with her if the kids want to go out of town with a friend, if I am going to take them on vacation, or other things when I would want to know about if they asked her. She usually says, its up to you. The kids are with you right now. I can't remember when she has consulted me on anything, except if it is major or a dental, medical or other insurance issue for one of the kids (I take care of all the insurance).
What I was really surprised about happened today. My older son (16) asked if he could go over to his uncles (wife's brother) on the fourth of July. Since he hasn't been staying with me, I said "Ummm, sure" in a surprised tone that he was asking me. He added that "mom said to check with you". I said of course and I said I appreciate her having my son check with me.
I know that doesn't sound big to most but to me, it is very big. No, I am not reading anything into it except that I feel like it was a display of respect and I can't tell you how long it has been since she has shown me any respect.
I don't know if I could have been any happier than if she said "I love you" to me!
Just wanted to share...
I hope everyone has a wonderful fourth of July (even my friends from other countries).
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I know this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, even those that are going further than a majority of people in fighting for their marriage via Divorce Busting techniques.
I told my wife (and to God) that I would love my wife, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, etc etc until death do us part. I want to be clear that I am not, in the slightest, judging anyone else regarding their marriage oath. I am trying to share why I believe what I do. When I made a committment to my wife, I didn't realize that the worst case situation would happen.
To me, this is definitely for the "worse" when you think of "for better or for worse". Even in "sickness and in health", I am unsure if she isn't going through an emotional issue. I want to add that I know I helped create the issue I find myself in, so I am not absolving myself of responsibility.
In my worldview, I believe in the Christian God and I also believe that the devil does exist, trying to influence people to rebel and avoid a personal relationship with Jesus. I know that the devil is like a "prowling lion looking for someone to devour" and I believe that God is "a lamp to my path and a light to my feet".
If I was to consider simply my oath to God about my marriage, I believe I need to trust Him with restoring my marriage. I don't know how He is going to do it or when, but either I trust Him or I don't.
There is something else that is on my heart. I still have love for my wife in my heart. I have no idea why because when others have hurt me or betrayed me, in the past, I wanted to be free of that person and didn't feel the love for that person that I felt before. I care about my wife's end destination. I don't know where she is regarding God or if her salvation is in question. According to her choices, it leads me to believe, that there is concern.
I know that many people feel that she has made her choice regarding our marriage and it is time for me to "move on". The challenge I face is that when I promised to her until death do us part, there was nothing in to vows that I said "unless my wife leaves the marriage or cheats on me or...". I do know that there is the "out" clause that is mentioned in the bible but Jesus also said that God allowed divorce due to the hardness of people's hearts and He also said He would allow it. To "allow" something sounds as though He doesn't feel that is the best solution but one that He would permit. What would God prefer?
I used to live life for myself. I thought I wanted to please God but it was only when pleasing Him didn't interfere with what pleased me first. I know my time on earth is a lot shorter than my time with Him so my feelings have changed. I would rather please Him no matter how hard it seems to be. And I have to be honest. Standing for my marriage is hard and something I would rather not do. I don't play the martyr very well. The thought of being with someone who wants to be with me is somewhat desirable (although I am concerned that this would happen again, if it didnt work out with the woman who was my best friend).
Something else that I have thought about is that most people would be supportive of my being patient with my children "departing" emotionally and physically, waiting for God to work on them until my children are restored in a parent-child relationship (regardless of their age). At the same time, support is almost non-existant when a spouse does the same thing.
Now I think the reason is that many people do not consider the relationship between a man and a woman in marriage to be as great as the relationship between parent and child. I think that is more of a secular worldview. The biblical view is that a marriage between a husband and wife is second only to the relationship between the individual and God.
If I am supposed to be patient, loving and forgiving to my children (considering the prodigal son story), why should I exclude my spouse?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
oh my Gosh, MMF, (My story is in newcomers under My heart is breaking .Don't know how to post link) You sound EXACTLY like me. My H and I have been struggling since last summer, separated since December, and he filed last month. I absolutely will not give up on him. I pray harder than I have ever prayed. I am closer to God than I have ever been. I actually think our kids (D24, S21) respect the fact that I am serious about my vows. I feel that I am a good example for them. The sad thing is, their dad was always such a wonderful Christian man who I believe is going through a horrible (Satan-caused?) period in his life. The example you used is the same one I tell people. That I wouldn't give up on my kids, so I won't give up on my husband. He has been my family longer than our children have. And as you point out, the Bible says that your spouse should be ABOVE your children, second only to God.
Some things I've been told that help clarify why we should stand:
1) my Divorce Care leader (who is a Christian counselor), as well as the Divorce Care videos, say that MOST spouses who leave eventually want to come back. The problem is that the LBS has usually moved on or remarried. (So it's good to wait and be patient!)
2) my Divorce Care counselor told me "If you desire to reconcile with your spouse, God put that desire in your heart. So you should honor it. (he said if for some reason reconciliation would be harmful, God will not put the desire for it in your heart)
3) our marriage counselor told me that there is a recent statistic that says that nearly 80% of people who file for divorce are unhappier (and have regrets) when polled 5 years later.
So, there are great reasons to stand. But the BEST reason is the Bible and God's word.
I am just starting the divorce process, and I pray every day that it doesn't happen. But I feel strongly, like you do, that standing is what we are called to do. Having said that, I will NEVER tolerate abuse or disrespect. It is possible to stand by faith, and still treat yourself with respect. I set boundaries, do not pursue, and make sure I treat myself well. I have learned a lot in this DB process (I still make mistakes, but I'm learning) but I have learned that I am important and will not be disrespected. And my H does not disrespect me. But I look at standing for my marriage as treating MYSELF well, as well my H. It makes me feel good about myself and honors my vows, my love for my H, and my desire to do right by my family.
Keep it up MMF! I am here for support. You are being a man of honor.
kermit
M50 H49 M 27 years D24, S21 Bomb 7/10 SEP 12/10 H files 5/11
Praying Hard for restoration! With God all things are possible!
Snowmm, I am a little confused as to how you feel that you are doing what God wants you to do. I am also a religious person, but I have yet to find one piece of scripture that says someone should remained married to someone who has left their spouse, cheats on or lives with someone else, doesn't take care of their family. I know God hates divorce, but marriage is a covenant with God between 2 people. Nowhere in the Bible does it say or imply that someone should stay married under these circumstances. If you wish to stay married because its what you want to do, I accept that as a personal choice, but if anyone says its for a religious one, I am going to have to see some scriptures I have not read.
It is challenging to avoid worrying about my children. I "know" that I cannot control everything around me specifically others actions and words but it is hard most of the time to let go.
Hearing what my children say and seeing what they are involved with (FB is a blessing and a curse, imo) can be disheartening. I do talk to them when the timing seems right about making the right choices but I am frequently dismissed.
Knowing the issues that my family are going through and the choices they are making plus hearing what close and not so close friends are dealing with regarding their children, gives me such great concern over children in general. When I was younger, I knew some other kids that were making some seriously bad decisions but for the majority, kids didn't pursue trouble like I see what is happening these days. It is like watching someone play too close to the edge of a sheer cliff and you cannot reach them and they cannot hear you.
What really perplexes me is the number of adults encouraging their behavior. My W seems oblivious to the perils.
As you know full well, your faith will get you through. Some people will understand and others will not. That will happen with pretty much anything you chose to make public. Right or wrong - people do judge.
Many people choose the path you have chosen and live a full and wonderful life with friends and activities. Are you socializing to satisfy a basic need for companionship. It doesn't have to be with women and maybe shouldn't be as you are staying true to your marriage but you should indeed be out living your life.
Of course you worry about your children. They are of you. You must continue to gently guide by example and to pray for them. Cling to Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
As far as who is counting - I think what is most important to consider is that you are. I am sure it is difficult not to do so. Should there be a counting up of the hours, the days, the years? Does counting help you to remain steadfast or does it cause your shoulders to droop and your soul to cry out? Just some things to consider as you continue your stand for what you believe in. {and please don't feel you need to answer them here out loud.}
Hang in there, man. The Lord is on your side. ~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
swl, so true. All of it. And I know that my worry is not from Him. I can almost feel that I am being prodded to try and take control again. I know the results when I do that.
