65 Days...

[Denver_2010]

I want you guys to know that I really do consider all of the advice that I receive here. But I understand why it seems that I will do what I'm going to do anyway. Ultimately, I am going to do what I think is best, that is true. But I do look for views on things that I may not be seeing.

With the anniversary text, I did, and do, see the viewpoint that it was pursuing behavior. I'm sure that it was.

Was it a tactical error? I don't know. I ultimately decided that nothing I proactively did regarding acknowledging the day was going to hurt my situation, but that NOT doing something COULD actually cause damage (W may have interpreted as me being the old Denver).

So that's why I ended up sending the text.

I honestly had not decided until I posted here and received most of the feedback that I did. And I didn't sent it until 8 p.m. east coast time (W is in Philly). So I really did put off making the call until as late as I could.

Could the text have been more simple and not as mushy? Sure. I suppose. I personally thought that it was pretty straight forward... but also heartfelt.

I do think that you guys are confused on the expectations that I had. I worded the text so as it did not call for a response. I didn't know whether W would respond or not... but expected that she would be too busy with her friends and might not. I decided I was okay with that.

When she did send her short response, I was actually really happy about it. It exceeded my expectations.

The comment about getting a little sad over the FB pictures that she posted was completely unrelated to the text re our anniversary. That would have gotten to me whether or not I sent that text message.

Starsky, you crossed out my line about sending the text being the 'right thing to do' and instead put that it would make me feel better.

I KNOW that I have been guilty of this in the past. I really do. But I honestly don't feel like that is why I did this. I honestly feel that it was truly the right thing to do.

But I also know that I'm going to continue to get beat up for not backing away and letting W pursue.

I think that I will move more in the direction that some of you are encouraging to move if July passes and there is no significant improvement in my sitch and/or W doesn't move significantly closer to committing to R the M.

It will be an interesting month. As I've said before, W and I have quite a bit planned (unless she has changed her mind in the past 2 weeks). W will again need to make a decision regarding her living arrangement as she has only extended her lease through July (that I know of). And, as far as I know, she has not looked at any other places to live since one fell through and didn't work out at the very beginning of June.

W is going to have to make some decisions. I will not be pressuring her to do anything one way or the other (I promise). I'm going to let life's own pressure cause her to decide what is best for her and her life at this time.

I'm really going to just focus on having fun with W, SS, and my D ... and focus on being the new more relaxed, more patient Denver. This will be challenging enough, bc having both kids here at the same time has always been stressful for both W and I.

Please hang in there with me all... I am going to need some support in July.

Thanks!!

Denver

[Starsky309]

I want you guys to know that I really do consider all of the advice that I receive here. But I understand why it seems that I will do what I'm going to do anyway. Ultimately, I am going to do what I think is best, that is true. But I do look for views on things that I may not be seeing.

With the anniversary text, I did, and do, see the viewpoint that it was pursuing behavior. I'm sure that it was.

Was it a tactical error?

Only if you believe in Michele's teachings.

But I also know that I'm going to continue to get beat up for not backing away and letting W pursue.

I think that I will move more in the direction that some of you are encouraging to move if July passes and there is no significant improvement in my sitch and/or W doesn't move significantly closer to committing to R the M.

I see. So you're intentionally NOT going to do what DB teaches, and what nearly EVERYONE is advising you to do, during this, THE SINGLE MOST CRUCIAL MONTH IN YOUR ENTIRE ORDEAL, but then, if/when that doesn't work and your marriage is possibly over, THEN you might consider following the book.


Got it.





Starsky

[cat04]

Denver,

Find the thread and read it!!!!

[~ kd ~]

Here ya go...:

Pursuit and Distance

[Sad_but_happy]

Hey there Denver, I just need to make a few short points FWIW...

1. Just a few short weeks ago you caught OM on the toilet in W bedroom watching and/or taking care of SS. Not long after that you wish her a heart felt HAPPY ANNIVERSARY???

I ask you this my friend... Would YOU respect any person that did the same thing? You W does anything she wants and good 'ol Denver is there with live and support not long after. Not attractive at all. I don't say this to hurt you my friend. I really want you to have your wife/family back.


2. A few days back I made the following comment.....

"There are consequences for bad behavior"

And you said....

"How would punishing W help my sitch?"


Not punishing Denver, consequences!!!

Like...

NOT being there for your W financially or emotionally when she needs you...


AT LEAST FOR NOW!!!

Listen, I have a friend newly divorced. He too tried to save his marriage before D day. He was unsuccessful...

Now she is angry cause she has no money, no support, and no help... My friend will do nothing more than pay what the courts ordered and not a penny more. SHE IS ANGRY AT HIM DENVER CAUSE SHE FEELS HE SHOUL DO MORE!!!

His response...

"Why should I, she choose to leave. If she needs help she has a family. She can ask them. She CHOOSE not to have me as family. I owe her nothing."

And you know something Denver... He's RIGHT!!!

Consequences Denver, NOT PUNISHMENT...

Get it?

Good luck my friend...

[Valeska19]

Denver
Been reading your sitch for awhile. My post won't show up for a few hours as I'm still new but I just want to say that I understand how hard it is. Every day we want to make the best decisions. Some days it's especially difficult when what we should do feels like it's going against everything we believe we are. We want to be a loving, caring person. For me.. it feels like I am treating my w in the same way she is treating me.. even though I'm not. I'm just taking care of my feelings and my wants and for some reason.. that feels wrong to me.

Just wanted to say to hang in there. We all make mistakes but at the end of the day, we need to be able to live with our decisions and be happy with the person we are becoming. You sound like a great guy. Cheers to all you have achieved thus far.

[Sad_but_happy]

Btw Denver, one last question...

Why wern't you out with friends on your anniversary posting to FB?

I know you were depressed and in no mood. And this is awful and painful and full of stress.

But this is a game Denver. Make no mistake. Fake it till you make it.

She needs to miss you. She needs to miss having you around. Miss the support, the help, the money, the love, the security...

Does she miss you?

[Denver_2010]

Here ya go...:

Pursuit and Distance

Thanks Kaffe and Cat... I read the first post on the thread. I will try to go back and read more.

25MLC - I hope that you just don't have any thought on my sitch at this time and that I didn't offend you by slightly disagreeing with you on another thread....



Denver

[25yearsmlc]

"offended"?? No way...I can take it.

I had surgery and am rather buzzing along now...and yet I am very sore and very tired. Feel like I got stabbed....

oh wait, I DID get stabbed...twice in fact.

But all is benign so I am well.

[25yearsmlc]

can't believe I"m posting at all actually...that's dedication...