I mentioned that I no longer had fear of a lot of things, however I fear for my W's well being. It su@ks. The part of not rescuing is apparently a difficult one for me when it comes to detachment. I want to save her, however I know that I can't.
I always feel this way about my wife. I guess that is why i agreed to all that she wanted. Somehow i thought that she would suffer if i start asserting myself. But now when i look at it, that is not healthy. That is co-dependency.
So do the right thing. There's not much you can do if she gets hit emotionally. Remember that this was not your choice to get on this nasty path.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Remember that this was not your choice to get on this nasty path.
I think this is something to hang on to. You are not doing this just to be vindictive. However, unfortunately this just comes with the territory she's entered.
Thanks fellas. Well, it is nearly go time. Please say a prayer for me. This has to be one of the most difficult convos I will ever have.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks JB and whoever else said a prayer. They must have been heard, because the convo went surprisingly well. I will try to recap what I can remember.
As I had said, I started the convo out with normal pleasantries. Asked how she was doing and asked how her mom was doing. W went on a bit about all the stuff she has to deal with.
Here is the convo how I remember: W: Have you looked at flight arrangements for the kids or have you already booked them?
M: I honestly haven’t even looked into them.
W: Why?
M: I was hoping that we would have been able to work things out by now.
W: So are you keeping them? You can’t keep them up there with you.
M: Yes, I plan on keeping them up here.
W: You are going to make this ugly aren’t you? Have you even thought about what this is going to do to D8 and S5?
M: I didn’t want to do this. I have struggled with this decisions, however I feel good about my decision. Well, not necessarily good, but it is the right decision.
W: You are contradicting yourself.
M: It is a decision that I didn’t want to make, but given the choices that I have. It is the decision I had to make.
W: Do you really want to do this? Are you even thinking about D8 and S5? You know you are going to scar them for the rest of their lives?
M: Don’t try to blame me or guilt me. I am not the one that wanted out of the marriage.
W: I am not trying to guilt you. If you would have taken care of me all of these years. I felt like you didn’t care. You never said anything or asked anything when I’d come home at 4 in the morning.
M: Because I trusted you. If I would have asked you, then it would have been that I didn’t trust you. That is a terrible example.
W: You changed and I was unhappy. You were making decisions with your life and you weren’t communicating with me. (she’s talking about when I started going to church and trying to find myself. I had lost my dad early last year and I was reflecting on the way I was living.)
M: I was going thru a lot, but none of that matters to you. I wasn’t allowed to disconnect. Look, we’ve been over this. I am done apologizing. I have owned my part. I have worked to improve myself. It is time for me to quit living in the past and move forward.
W: This is not what we agreed to, why did you change your mind?
M: I was operating in fear before. I feared dragging the kids through a custody battle. I feared pushing you further away. I’m not afraid anymore.
I intended to sign the agreement, but “document company” kept screwing it up. Do you think that I paid $X amount to have them make the changes and then not sign it?
W: Don’t blame the “document company”.
M: I’m not blaming them, however they did buy me enough time to reconsider my decision.
W: What judge do you think is going to give you custody of the kids?
M: I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.
W: Well if this is what you want.
M: This is not what I want. I want to work things out with you. I want to keep our family intact.
W: If I thought we could work things out, I wouldn’t have uprooted myself and moved away.
M: Well I think it is important that the kids have access to both of us. That is the reason I was willing to move to NM. I was sacrificing everything I have going here for everybody else. I’ve mentioned several times to you that there isn’t anything for me in NM. I feel like I’m wasting my breathe, because it falls on deaf ears.
W: I know there isn’t anything for you here.
M: I understand the things I did wrong now, however did you ever once say that you were unhappy and maybe we should go to counseling?(Okay, so I did go back to the past)
W: No, I tried to tell you that I was unhappy. I told you that the money didn’t matter and you didn’t spend enough time with us.
M: I don’t believe that justifies tearing our family apart. Those things were workable.
W: I can’t go back.
W: You know everybody warned me that you would do this, but I told them that you would never do it. I can’t believe that you are doing this.
M: I can careless what anybody thinks or says. I can’t believe that you did what you did. You aren’t the person that I married.
W: You aren’t the person that I married either.
M: Well this person is willing to look at himself, make changes and try to work things out.
W: I don’t know what to say.
M: You don’t have to say anything. You said enough last time we talked.
W: I don’t even remember what I said.
M: You said that you got to the point that you couldn’t stand to be around me.
W: I’m sorry I said that. I wasn’t thinking clearly that day. I had a lot going on.
M: I’m not looking for an apology. It told me where your heart is.
W: It makes me feel better to apologize.
W: So where do we go from here?
M: I don’t know.
W: What are you going to tell the kids? They are expecting to be coming to NM.
M: I will take care of it. I don’t know what I am going to tell them yet, but I don’t plan on throwing you under the bus.
W: I want to be part of the discussion.
M: That’s fine. I will probably tell them something this weekend.
W: Do I need to get an attorney?
M: Probably a good idea. Silence M: All I wanted was to be there for you. There’s nothing else to say. I am going to let you go.
W: Are you going to let me talk to the kids?
M: Of course, you are their mother. They love you. I would never get in the way of your relationship with them. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. I never intended to hurt you (that is true, but I had it in the front of my mind that she is going to get hurt when she gets served). I will have them call you when I get home.
W: Alright.
M: Bye
W: Bye
No yelling at all throughout the convo. She did raise her voice a little one time and I told her I would hang up if you started yelling. It turned out better than I anticipated. I was super stressed today.
We talked for nearly an hour, so there are parts I can’t remember right now. I will include them as they come to me.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Good deal, LITB. It sounds like the convo went as well or better than expected. Sounds like you held your ground well.
It did go better than expected. Thanks again for the prayers JB.
Now we have to let the kids know that they are not going to NM. I will probably wait until the weekend to do it. The W wants to be included in the discussion, which I am not opposed to.
I'm thinking of telling them something to this effect:
"As of right now you guys will not be going to NM with mommy in a few weeks. Mommy and daddy have to work out a few things before you guys head down there. In the meantime, you guys will continue living with me. We will make plans for you guys to spend time with mommy in NM when we everything is worked out."
Simple and to the point without making anyone look like the bad guy. Please feel free to help me out.
On another note, yesterday I was feeling terrible about having her served at work. Today I just want to get her served so she can see what she is up against.
If I get an opportunity, I will share what is on the docs. It is not pretty at all. She may retract her statement about a judge not giving me favor in custody.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks JB and whoever else said a prayer. They must have been heard, because the convo went surprisingly well. I will try to recap what I can remember.
As I had said, I started the convo out with normal pleasantries. Asked how she was doing and asked how her mom was doing. W went on a bit about all the stuff she has to deal with.
Here is the convo how I remember: W: Have you looked at flight arrangements for the kids or have you already booked them?
M: I honestly haven’t even looked into them.
W: Why?
M: I was hoping that we would have been able to work things out by now.
W: So are you keeping them? You can’t keep them up there with you.
M: Yes, I plan on keeping them up here.
W: You are going to make this ugly aren’t you? Have you even thought about what this is going to do to D8 and S5?
M: I didn’t want to do this. I have struggled with this decisions, however I feel good about my decision. Well, not necessarily good, but it is the right decision.
W: You are contradicting yourself.
M: It is a decision that I didn’t want to make, but given the choices that I have. It is the decision I had to make.
W: Do you really want to do this? Are you even thinking about D8 and S5? You know you are going to scar them for the rest of their lives?
M: Don’t try to blame me or guilt me. I am not the one that wanted out of the marriage.
W: I am not trying to guilt you. If you would have taken care of me all of these years. I felt like you didn’t care. You never said anything or asked anything when I’d come home at 4 in the morning.
M: Because I trusted you. If I would have asked you, then it would have been that I didn’t trust you. That is a terrible example.
W: You changed and I was unhappy. You were making decisions with your life and you weren’t communicating with me. (she’s talking about when I started going to church and trying to find myself. I had lost my dad early last year and I was reflecting on the way I was living.)
M: I was going thru a lot, but none of that matters to you. I wasn’t allowed to disconnect. Look, we’ve been over this. I am done apologizing. I have owned my part. I have worked to improve myself. It is time for me to quit living in the past and move forward.
W: This is not what we agreed to, why did you change your mind?
M: I was operating in fear before. I feared dragging the kids through a custody battle. I feared pushing you further away. I’m not afraid anymore.
I intended to sign the agreement, but “document company” kept screwing it up. Do you think that I paid $X amount to have them make the changes and then not sign it?
W: Don’t blame the “document company”.
M: I’m not blaming them, however they did buy me enough time to reconsider my decision.
W: What judge do you think is going to give you custody of the kids?
M: I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.
W: Well if this is what you want.
M: This is not what I want. I want to work things out with you. I want to keep our family intact.
W: If I thought we could work things out, I wouldn’t have uprooted myself and moved away.
M: Well I think it is important that the kids have access to both of us. That is the reason I was willing to move to NM. I was sacrificing everything I have going here for everybody else. I’ve mentioned several times to you that there isn’t anything for me in NM. I feel like I’m wasting my breathe, because it falls on deaf ears.
W: I know there isn’t anything for you here.
M: I understand the things I did wrong now, however did you ever once say that you were unhappy and maybe we should go to counseling?(Okay, so I did go back to the past)
W: No, I tried to tell you that I was unhappy. I told you that the money didn’t matter and you didn’t spend enough time with us.
M: I don’t believe that justifies tearing our family apart. Those things were workable.
W: I can’t go back.
W: You know everybody warned me that you would do this, but I told them that you would never do it. I can’t believe that you are doing this.
M: I can careless what anybody thinks or says. I can’t believe that you did what you did. You aren’t the person that I married.
W: You aren’t the person that I married either.
M: Well this person is willing to look at himself, make changes and try to work things out.
W: I don’t know what to say.
M: You don’t have to say anything. You said enough last time we talked.
W: I don’t even remember what I said.
M: You said that you got to the point that you couldn’t stand to be around me.
W: I’m sorry I said that. I wasn’t thinking clearly that day. I had a lot going on.
M: I’m not looking for an apology. It told me where your heart is.
W: It makes me feel better to apologize.
W: So where do we go from here?
M: I don’t know.
W: What are you going to tell the kids? They are expecting to be coming to NM.
M: I will take care of it. I don’t know what I am going to tell them yet, but I don’t plan on throwing you under the bus.
W: I want to be part of the discussion.
M: That’s fine. I will probably tell them something this weekend.
W: Do I need to get an attorney?
M: Probably a good idea. Silence M: All I wanted was to be there for you. There’s nothing else to say. I am going to let you go.
W: Are you going to let me talk to the kids?
M: Of course, you are their mother. They love you. I would never get in the way of your relationship with them. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. I never intended to hurt you (that is true, but I had it in the front of my mind that she is going to get hurt when she gets served). I will have them call you when I get home.
W: Alright.
M: Bye
W: Bye
No yelling at all throughout the convo. She did raise her voice a little one time and I told her I would hang up if you started yelling. It turned out better than I anticipated. I was super stressed today.
We talked for nearly an hour, so there are parts I can’t remember right now. I will include them as they come to me.
You handled that pretty well, LITB, but I fixed it for you.
You handled that pretty well, LITB, but I fixed it for you. Starsky
Should I have said farewell, instead of bye? I kid. I kid.
You are right. I should have cut it short. We were talking in circles.
I will post the text in the docs that she will be served with on my lunch break. As much as I wanted to work things out, I don't see that as a possibility. You will see what I mean shortly.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I was hoping that I could save the pdfs as word docs, then copy and paste the info on the agreement, but it didn't work. I will post it when I get the chance to type it up.
I just received an email from my L letting me know that she just dropped the papers off at the courthouse. We will have an answer some time tomorrow morning if the judge granted our request for custody pending the hearing.
I am a nervous wreck. Again, I need all the prayers that I can get for the request to go my way. This is a huge deal.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
