Antonia, yes it was the strangeness of it all. He did not ask to speak to me, but to my son. And I agree, why is he calling, and why at my house. It is not like they are on the phone every two minutes.
I couldn't NOT know. Feels like games playing, but I think you are right, it must have taken some sort of courage - I might have answered!! Son very tight lipped as always on content of conversation and I do not interfere in the relationship or lack of between them. I did say very neutrally a few months back [to son] that I thought it might be good if they could mend some fences, to which he simply replied 'I can't let him get close so he can hurt me again like he has done'.
Beatrice, I wouldn't have been too happy w/him calling my number, especially when I didn't provide the number to him. Is your number unlisted/unpublished?
I think he called your number hoping that your son was there. He knew that if he called your home, your son would speak to him. I think the man is playing games and I do wonder what is behind it all.
I understand how your son feels and until your xh can walk the talk, I wouldn't trust him either.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My number is not unlisted - this is deliberate on my part. I have no wish to 'hide' any more. But equally it would require an effort to establish where I lived and my number.
My kindest interpretation is that he was hoping I would answer, and we could talk, without him actually calling me, if that makes sense. But even so, it is devious. My son is grown and does not live with me. He is visiting over the summer as he is a grad student. We get on well and he regards it as 'home'. I think that upsets my xh, as my son does not want to spend time with him.
There are many ways to get telephone numbers and addresses these days...thanks to the internet. I would say that your xh did a some digging to locate your number.
You are a very kind and loving person and you may be right, however, he did ask to speak to your son. This leads me to believe that he was hoping that you or your son would invite him over or suggest a meeting, maybe lunch or dinner. It sounds to me like he's trying to find a crack in the wall to squeeze through to reconnect just a bit. I know that this is going to sound really crazy, but the man doesn't know how to find a safe ground w/you and your family.
You may be right...he wants some attention from your son and your son isn't have much to do w/him. Maybe he's hoping you'll assist in bringing them together. I would step back and let them figure our their relationship.
Step back, observe and really listen to what he has to say. I think he may be at the stage where you will hear more words than garbage.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We do not live close by any more. I moved to somewhere new during my divorce, and he lives in two locations - one where we were very happy in our later married life and one where we lived just after we were married - go figure that one!
I tend to agree about him not knowing where to find safe ground - as you know I got a fairly crazy and very mean one, although it has to be said he never asked for the kitty litter tray or a plastic easter egg!
There are several signs of him realising he has screwed up, but I am watching the actions and will try and really listen to any talk. So far it is emails with me. Which is one reason why I think the phone call to son was partly an excuse: he thought it would be just son and me, and since it is my house I would naturally answer the phone, except that I was in the garden so his gf picked up for me. I think that threw him hearing an unfamiiliar voice that was clearly at home. He doesn't know gf, who is lovely.
Beatrice, You sound very grounded and I think you are one wise lady to be patient and watch the drama as it unfolds. I think your xh does realize that he screwed up royally and now doesn't know how to make things right.
If you can be patient for a while, I'd let him figure out how to squeese through the crack in the wall. It's tough, but we do have to allow them to do the work in order to make it back to us. Hang in there. I think your xh's drama is going to be very intersting in the months to come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderley - thank you for your input and views. Yes, I am now pretty good at patience, partly because I have a life, and also little to no expectations. I would like him to come through the fog for his sake. He was a good and lovely man before all of this, I think it is worth remembering that while we are doing this for us, we also care and continue to care for our spouse, and to wish them well. We would not have married and stayed married if we had no feelings. Compassion and love are good for our soul, if nothing else. It isn't just about being loved back.
Curiously i think my son was more disturbed than i was - he contacted his middle brother to check he hadn't given out our number [he hadn't, i knew that] and then i got an email from middle son who also thought it was a bit freaky, and worried that I was OK . . . .
Cadet, I would respectfully slightly disagree with you on whether it matters where Eric has been: if you offer advice to people they have a perfect right to ask nicely what your background is.
For example there are posters here who have reconciled after a couple of years [and that is great] but some then urge others who have waited longer than that not to do so. It is important that we know their sitch: what we advise others is usually what worked for us, or, what we learned from doing it wrong. Either is good, but there us a difference. If i am taking advice i want to know if they have actually walked a path like mine, or a different one . . . and what they learned
Beatrice
I saw this earlier and have been trying to think of the right words to say. IMHO whether we save our marriage or not has a lot to do with luck. You can be the best DB'er and do everything exactly right and you still may not save your marriage.
Or I have seen cases where someone did everything wrong but their MLC'er came back to them. The MLC'er does have FREE WILL and can choose what they want to do. We have no control of that.
So I for one would never tell some one to stop standing. I believe in that 1000% and probably to a fault. But on the same token, we must go on living our lives as if they are NOT coming back. So it is easy to see how you could get confused.
Eric gave out great advice to MLC World. No matter whether his marriage is reconciled or not. It is good advice. I stand by what I said that it does not matter where Eric has been or where he is going. Eric has made great strides in his life and if you read all 188 pages you know that.
All our marriages were over at Bomb Drop and the only real question is who we will have a new relationship with. Our spouses, someone else, but the most important person is with ourselves.
I would agree with the people that are advising that we need to get on with our lives. That does not mean that we may not reconcile with our spouses some day. At this time we have no control over that. And some day, the MLC'er will have no control over what WE decide.
Cadet, thank you for your reply. I also think Eric gives great advice, that was not what I was questioning. I was simply saying that it is good to know someone's perspective, and experience. And to illustrate it I gave an example. Everyone's experience colours their advice, as a rule.
I don't disagree with anything else you said or are saying to me. Just that it is OK imo to say - what is your background? What happened in your case?
