My perspective is different and perhaps that is because of my current reconnection with H. However, I can't help but wonder about all the positives in having open communication between you. This is not to say there would be anything more than just open communication. However, with most of your life spent together, children and future grandchildren I would think this is positive.
Can you do this and remain totally detached? No. Is there the potential for further hurt? Yes. Will H ever be able to hurt in the way he has in the past? No. You will be in a self protection mode.
We are in reconnection slowly but surely. We have some communication most days. I am definitely in self protection mode and H is too. Today this feels good and I am living for today. Today I have a bowl of chowder for lunch that I didn't make myself and a friend who knows me oh so well.
Life threatening illness teaches us (Well taught me) that life is too short to keep looking in the rear vision mirror. The past is a helpful teacher but that's about all.
About your H feeling abandoned by the people he abandoned, I think that's not uncommon. This victim mentality was created in childhood, when he WAS abandoned/wounded in some way by those he depended upon to care for him, and he's not yet reached the point where he can distinguish between his family of origin and the family he created with you. If, as he continues to emerge from the tunnel, he becomes consciously aware of them as being separate entities, and stops merely reacting with his emotional reflexes, there's a good chance he will see his past actions differently.
I think I can see where you're coming from w/r to finding closure with your H, when I consider the man who molested me throughout my childhood. I loved him as a child, and although I have forgiven him, I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with him. However, if he makes any kind of gesture before he dies to make amends/apologize, etc, I would listen/respond to that. It feels to me as though that would be part of the forgiveness process. Also, I would not like to feel as though I prevented another human being from finding some measure of peace (while still maintaining all necessary boundaries to keep myself from being hurt again).
I have read about a woman whose daughter was raped and killed and another whose husband was killed by young partiers making prison visits to the perpetrators, forgiving them, and becoming part of their rehabilitation. I admire the ability of those women to see the good even in those who hurt them the most deeply. In the same way, I admire you for seeking complete healing for yourself in this way.
Beatrice, I've been off the boards for a while, partly because there is nothing happening with my H that I can't handle, and partly because I am in the middle of a series of big family events that require a lot of my time and attention. But I did check in tonight for some reason, and read the last few days of your thread.
Although I am not as far along post-S as you, and our situations are dissimilar in some other important respects, we are both dealing with the loss of a longer relationship at a later stage of life than most here. I just want to say that I completely understand your desire to respond in some way to your XH's reaching out to you a bit.
I know that, for me, I spent 2/3 of my life, and all of my adult life, with my H before he left, and I cannot and will not deny the many happy memories, nor the realization that we both made compromises, made mistakes, and caused hurt to each other during those 40 years together. I decided quite early into this that I would do everything possible to maintain a civil and respectful relationship with H, if not a friendship, for both myself and my children, and am happy to say that we have been able to do that so far.
I would suggest that you base your decisions about responding to XH's overtures on two things -- how well you can maintain your detachment, and what you must do to live with yourself. For me, this has been a balancing act with every interaction, with the equilibrium changing constantly, but I've usually managed to find a way that works for both.
I believe I truly do understand all of the forces working on you right now, and as difficult and contradictory as they may seem, I have every confidence that you will find your way through them!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Cyrena and Twink, as ever i am touched by the kindness of poeple just stopping by. Thank you.
Twink - yes, without wanting to do special pleading, I do think a very long marriage/relationship makes a difference, for lots of reasons. I am not saying it doesn't hurt at whatever point it happens, and hurts just as much. But the length of the history and the accumulation of shared memories after 40+ years is, as you say, not half our lives, but over two thirds of it.
I really admire you for being able to maintain a civil relationship. I tried very hard to do this, and was almost always pleasant and civil to my xh, in the face of some really outrageous behaviour!!, But he was very very hostile to me, most of the time, unless he wanted something. Interestingly he denies, or no longer remembers this hostility.
I think my detachment is OK - not perfect. It is the what I must do to live with myself that is the issue, and I realise that I must do all I can in this, recognising I am not responsible for anyone else.
Clearly I am troubled as I continue to have disturbing dreams. But I have decided that for now I would like to be able to continue these occasional pleasant email exchanges.
Cyrena - yes I understand about the abandonment issues: it is normal for someone damaged to do awaful things that drive others away, and then feel abandoned. Drunks do it all the time, and as you remark it probably comes out of emotional damage at an early age.
Again, thanks for stopping by. I just wish the dreams would stop, but I am listening to them . . . . they are usually telling me something.
Cas, for some weird reason your post did not show up as new and I almost missed it . . . so glad I didn't.
Wise words from you. A little hurt could happen, but I have low expectations. It would be false to say none at all, as I am not looking for him to be hostile again. I hope and pray that he is finally through the rages. They no longer scare me however. And as you wisely note I am in self protection mode.
I would say our communication is guarded - we both know each other too well for it to be otherwise. We can read each other like a book. I couldn't 'read' him when he was fully in MLC at all: he was somewhere else. The dreams are telling me to be very careful though, but I am also dumping a lot of hurt and pain through them that I thought I had got rid of.
If I were you I would entertain the possibility of a friendship with your XH.
You also know that I am struggling with just this very same sort of relationship with my H.
I have toiled at the possibility of not being friends. I keep coming back to the same answer. Being friends would be best for all concerned, the most important people this concerns is our son and H and I. This is not just for today but for our future as people who have family in common, if for no other reason.
As being parents we must be able to be friends for the sake of our children and possible grandchildren. I feel it will be taking the high road and rising above the damages that were the direct result of our H MLC. It is the right thing to do. It shows great strength and dignity.
(((Beatrice))) you and I have been at this for a very long time. We have walked the walk with our husbands enduring much through this crisis.
The love we have for them will never fade completely. We can somehow manage to put it in the back of our minds for a time only. There are constant reminders and memories that bring all the emotions of the situation back to the front. Being friends will stir up those emotions naturally. Do not be hindered by fear of reliving the pain. I do not believe that our XH/H have any more desire to be hurtful, so if we happen to feel any pain/hurt it will be because we allowed ourselves to reach a level in the relationship of friendship that contained expectations.
I feel any communication should be taken slowly. If it is meant to be it will blossom. If it continues on and grows more comfortable and is reciprocated as a mutual friendship should be then the possibilities are vast.
I certainly do not blame you for being "interested" in this new found development with XH. It would peak my interest as well. As long as you feel comfortable in the conversations, I say keep it going.
Beatrice you are a very wise lady, you will say the right things and know when to speak and when not to...your XH will be left in awe of your manners and wisdom
My guess about him is that he is intrigued by you and your strength. He feels safe since he has wiped the slate clean, as you put it. He will continue to test the friendship waters with you as long as you welcome him. I believe he is a lonely and sorrowful man. He needs friendly compassion in his world.
(((((Warm Hugs To You)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika thank you for your post and your clear understanding of the questions that this has raised in me,
I agree that he is lonely and sorrowful, and feels acutely the loss of his family, however justified he still imagines his course of action was [it is a very long time since I have been in that particular conversation].
I think we can slam the door shut, but I am not sure we are being entirely true to ourselves when we do it - more about protecting ourselves from further hurt perhaps. Perhaps it depends on eeh MLCer, the stage they are at, and also the quality of our previous relationship.
Much easier to be 'wise' for others than oneself!
And yes, it is expectations as well as emotional engagement that will cause hurt and pain.
Hi Beatrice ... thanks for visiting my thread, and giving me your kind advice.
With your H, and the amount of years you and he spent married, I would definitely entertain a friendship, but move slowly.
Take care and let your spirit guide you. I do agree, that no-one gets out of this life alive, so one should be compassionate (which it sounds you are) to your ex-mate, if nothing else.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
My XW has been friendlier with me lately. Actually she has been friendly since the day she left. I struggle pretty badly with this. So many times I feel so betrayed and her being nice to me makes it worse. It's like the situation is great for her.
We have hung out as a family but were recently told by a family therapist that that is causing confusion with our daughter. So we stopped.
I don't initiate contact with my W anymore but tend to get sucked back in when she contacts me. Usually she contacts me every few days over a kid issues. She also contacts me after every great event that I do with my kids. I actually asked her to stop that recently. I asked her to talk to the kids when they are with her if she wants to find out how the event went.
This whole friendship thing is very difficult. It is so hard not to have expectations. It's so hard not to initiate relationship talk.
I am debating whether to continue or tell her to not contact me unless absolutely necessary. I hear what you all say about being friends with your x to benefit the children. The situation with my children is great and my X and I don't have any issues with that.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
My xh was very hostile, and we were not friends, not was he friendly to his children. Very recently he has being trying to contact them and spend time with them and with old friends. On one level it sounds like reconnection but I am far from convinced about this.
I just got an email with 21 photos - this from a man I have not seen or spoken to in over a year [apart from in Court!] He has told an old friend of mine that things are good between us now. Well, ummm no they aren't. We have had a cautious and friendly email exchange, but nothing personal and no mending of fences . . . . The photos are all of places I know, and he took my eldest son [who he hadn't seen in 4 years] to the restaurant where we had lunch the day after we got married. I find it all very very wierd.
I am going on with my own life, a little traumatized from recent surgery, but otherwise fine. IMO my xh is still firmly in MLC, and if he has decided not to be hostile to me anymore that it good.
