[Starsky309]

LITB,

You are under no obligation -- legal, moral or otherwise -- to discuss your legal plans with your wife.

There's a reason they put that little "v" in-between the names of the parties. Ours is, by its very design, an adversarial system.

Be civil, courteous -- even kind -- but don't discuss your legal or financial details with your wife ahead of time. I'm certain your atty will tell you the same thing.

Starsky

[LITB]

Update...

I have retained an attorney to fight for custody of my kids. I feel good about my decision.

25, I don't know if you read my thread, but please know you had something to do with my decision based on what you posted to others. For that, THANK YOU!!

I'm glad I followed your advice CS about not letting my W know until after meeting with my L. I have nearly 2 weeks before she will get served with the papers. That will give me time to think about what and when to let her know. Also to allow her to deal with some of the difficulties she is facing with her family.

Now if the document company ever gets back to her on the changes they were supposed to make, then I will have to bring up my new plan.

Things will now get interesting, but I still plan to be as pleasant as possible to my W despite that things may get ugly.

[LITB]

LITB,

You are under no obligation -- legal, moral or otherwise -- to discuss your legal plans with your wife.

There's a reason they put that little "v" in-between the names of the parties. Ours is, by its very design, an adversarial system.

Be civil, courteous -- even kind -- but don't discuss your legal or financial details with your wife ahead of time. I'm certain your atty will tell you the same thing.

Starsky

Starsky...how do we get you off moderation? You have nearly 1000 posts. Who did you make mad? I kid.

I haven't told the W anything. My L told me that this is a decision that only I can make. I'm going to hang tight to see how this next week plays out with everything else going on. There is no rush to do anything.

One good thing that comes out of the new direction that we are going is the both my W and I must take a couple of courses. One is how to parent our kids as divorced parents. My W hasn't or didn't plan on doing anything to research the impact of her decison. Will it resonate for her? Who knows? It is at least something she will be required to do. I'm good with that.

[25yearsmlc]

LITB,

you sound pretty healthy. I love the way you said you are now "awake" to your life and kids

and that you had been asleep before...


Great news. Maybe it's good to thank your w for that. (Seriously)


What do your kids want to do as far as where to live?



If they're cool with staying in place, as I suspect, all the better. I'd think the judge will ask them and they'd be getting the most stability that way.


How are their R's with w? I'm sure you will encourage them to stay as close as they can, given the givens. The more loved they feel by their parents, the better. They are already dealing with an absentee mother, who may seem to have chosen her mother over her children. Ouch...

I assume you are reassuring them this is not the case (even if it partly is...) their feeling of being loved really is the priority, not you being "accurate"...make sense? I never understand the blame game when it comes to the kids. As if they don't already feel crappy...down deep, they do hurt.


Anyhow, Keep on keeping on, and good luck

[LITB]

Thank you for stopping by my thread 25. You are quite an asset to these forums and provide tremendous, thought provoking posts.

LITB,

you sound pretty healthy. I love the way you said you are now "awake" to your life and kids

and that you had been asleep before...

I’m going to give you some insight(history) about the time I felt like I was asleep…….

My W and I had a difficult 2009 with the economy like many others, but I was fortunate enough to land a great job up here in the bay area. While in transition as I lived up here on my own for 4 months, my dad passed away. I was okay following his death, but I didn’t mourn his loss immediately. I was very close to my dad. He was my go to person when I needed advice. I get choked up just typing this about him and finding myself in my current sitch.

I digress, after moving the family up here in March of ’10, the MIL comes down with meningitis for the 1st time in June of last year. I fly my family down to Vegas that night. They end up staying with her for 5 weeks before the MIL was well enough to be on her own and I can come pick them up. Whenever I spoke to my W sounded miserable and anxious to get home. Also, our kids were miserable down there as they were being shuffled around between family and friends as the W took care her mom. When I came to pick them up and as I was packing some stuff up, the MIL made a comment about me moving her 2 weekends after this. I’ll admit, that I rudely said I want to spend some of the summer with my family and I will move her up in 3 weeks. My W called me on being rude. I apologized and told her that I just wanted to spend time with my family.

Three weeks later I fly down there and with the help of a couple of my friends I get her moved in with us(big mistake). Note: My wife made the decision for the MIL to move up here and the MIL basically agrees to whatever my W decides. I didn’t have a problem with her moving in with us as my W is her only child and I didn’t object once. The W and I discussed about how long she would live with us and came up with about 6 months. Well, once the MIL settled in, all she did was watch tv, sit at the computer and eat bonbons all day. I am not aware of her ever updating a resume or looking at one job listing…..not once. At this time I was working 6 days a week and the last thing I want to see when I get home is my MIL sitting on her a$$ in my living room (over 40 hours per week recorded on the DVR) and eating all of our food.

The W and I had discussions on when was her mom going to put any effort into helping herself. The discussions escalated into a couple of nasty arguments. I said things to my W that are out of character for me.

Ultimately it lead to me being disconnected from my family. I’d get home, eat dinner and go to my room. I didn’t want to be around the MIL anymore and my W was enabling her. She used her illness as a crutch.

There were days that I wished that I had my dad to talk to. I basically just shut the world out.

My W doesn’t understand why I got to where I was and refuses to give me any slack about it.

Sorry about the length of this post. I intended to keep it short, but I wanted to paint the picture.

Great news. Maybe it's good to thank your w for that. (Seriously)

I did get the opportunity to thank her the day of my daughter’s birthday party as I was sending her pics. We were texting back and forth. After a pic, she sent this message.

25, I think I took the message I sent my W from one of your post

W: You ROCK!!!! (Not the first time she has said I’m a great dad in the last couple of months.)

M: Thanks mom!! I feel pretty damn good about myself. Thank you for helping find who I really am. I’m sorry that it took you to do what you decided to do.

W: The babies have their daddy back and that means the world to me.

What do your kids want to do as far as where to live?

If they're cool with staying in place, as I suspect, all the better. I'd think the judge will ask them and they'd be getting the most stability that way.

This question hasn’t been asked as everyone has been under the impression that our agreement was concrete and they’d be moving with their mom next month. Our D8 thinks that she will be moving down there, so she hasn’t said too much. Our S5 thinks he is going down there for a short time and then coming back.

My L will file a motion to keep the kids here with me while the D runs its course. Our hearing wouldn’t be until September, which means they will be in school and the courts like to keep things for the kids status quo. I think that bodes well for me.

How are their R's with w? I'm sure you will encourage them to stay as close as they can, given the givens. The more loved they feel by their parents, the better. They are already dealing with an absentee mother, who may seem to have chosen her mother over her children. Ouch...

I assume you are reassuring them this is not the case (even if it partly is...) their feeling of being loved really is the priority, not you being "accurate"...make sense? I never understand the blame game when it comes to the kids. As if they don't already feel crappy...down deep, they do hurt.

Their R with their mom is good. She calls them every day and keeps in touch. Most of the time I let her calls go to VM unless they are close enough to hand them the phone. I don’t have any reason to talk with her and haven’t felt like it these past few days. Sometimes they don’t want to talk to her either, because they just don’t feel like it. They are kids, I’m sure they’d do the same thing to me.

I don’t say anything negative to them about my W. She will always be their mom and it will hurt them. My W can deal with that when they get old enough to question her. My responsibility is to protect them and shield them from the craziness. To my W’s credit, she has done a great job in that department as well.

TBH, part of the reason I hadn’t hired a L until now, was because I didn’t want to drag them through a custody battle(along with my fear). I wanted to protect them from something they shouldn’t have to be dealing with. However I can’t protect them from everything else if I don’t try my best to keep them near me. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to protect them from anything, including my W’s decision. As much as I can anyway.

Anyhow, Keep on keeping on, and good luck

Thanks again 25.

[LITB]

Update.....

Everything happening with my MIL's health is unreal. Last I updated that the W had taken her back to the hospital last Saturday night. It turned out that she had a blood clot. Well I haven't really talked with my W since Sunday until she just left a message to call her back about 30 minutes ago. She asked to talk with me specifically.

Apparently the MIL was lethargic today and she might have had a stroke. A CT scan has been run and they are waiting for the results.

I don't even know what to think. They moved to NM to be close to their family, however my W is at the hospital by herself supporting her mom. This has been the case her entire hospital stay as far as I can tell.

I've been dim for nearly a week, but I did send her a TM after we talked to call me if she needs me. This is beyond our M/R right now and I will be her "spare tire" under these circumstances.

It's impossible to stay dark with everything she is dealing with.

[2stepboogie]

Just be a friend if that is what she wants or needs. At the end of the day you are in CA and she is in NM so there is not a lot of support you can offer other than words. Be consistent and be kind, regardless of what happens you can never go wrong with that

[LITB]

Thanks for checking in 2step.

Update....

Apparently my MIL's health is a mystery. The doctors don't know what is going on with her. Per a convo with the W this morning, she didn't have a stroke. She's been in the hospital for 24 out of the last 25 days starting with meningitis, then a blood clot and who knows what now.

TBH, I know the right thing to do is to be there for her if she needs me, but I just don't feel like it right now. I want to continue to be dim/dark for my own sanity. Besides, I'm starting to wonder if she tries to make me feel sorry for her with everything she is going through. My compassion has its limits.

I’m in transition from caring and being somewhat attached to just not giving a you know what.

Let’s see how I feel over the next few days. There is still a lot going on. She is still under the impression the kids are heading to NM in a month, so we will have the introduction of my stance on the custody issues. Also, her family in Vegas is in the process of making funeral arrangements for her cousin and her aunt has asked me to be there(the aunt that has taken my side since my W told her she was getting a D from me). If I can make it down there, I’m going to try.

[LITB]

TBH, I know the right thing to do is to be there for her if she needs me, but I just don't feel like it right now. I want to continue to be dim/dark for my own sanity.

Damn, can I delete that last post? I can't even make it 2 hours at this rate, much less a few days. My W just called me upset about the health of her mom. The MIL has not been herself since yesterday afternoon and fell today. This is insane. My W has only told an uncle and myself about what's going on. I had to make an adjustment on the fly (retracting my previous post about not feeling like being there for her) and told her she knows to call me if she needs to.

[InAPickle]

Compassion is always better than bitterness.

I swing back and forth between genuinely feeling sorry for XW and then I'll feel resentment for her choices.
The former definately is a better place to be.

Just don't fall into the trap of feeling smugly "superior" for making "saintly" decisions.

But do what you must to keep your sanity.