XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

Glad you're out of the funk. I hate that my post hit you hard. I only posted at all because I felt like I just took off a few months ago without so much as a see ya later, and you guys deserved more. That and maybe I was a bit embarrassed that I failed at what I was trying so hard to do, what we're all trying to do, fix ourselves, fix our marriages, and live happily ever after with our spouse.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

X,

That whole idea you failed? You need to get rid of it. You haven't failed.

I have been told that my attitude of "I succeed regardless of whether or not my wife came back." was easy for me to say because my wife came back.

I disagree. It was easy to say because it was true. If my wife hadn't come back it wasn't a failing on my part, I am proud of the man I had become and disgusted at the man I had been and buried.

My wife enjoys the fruit of my hard work, but it could very easily have been someone else.

So, man, you failed?

No, I do not believe that for a second.

[Drew]

"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

[XYZ]

Oh let me clarify. I'm right there with you, Jack. I seem to have (I still havn't given up completely, just that now it's in God's hands, not mine) failed at saving my marriage, but I succeeded greatly at fixing me. It [censored] that in all likelihood, my marriage is over, but I'm the best I've ever been... At present, I'm not the happiest, but I'm on the road that way and I know that someday in the not-too-distant future, I will be.

[XYZ]

Here's the really ironic thing: When this all started, I had a tremendous amount of guilt. I did this and I did that, I was this, and I was that, I said this and I said that...for years. This is all my fault.

Well, that may be true or partially true, but you know what? I also changed this and that and stopped doing those things and fixed me. Everybody makes mistakes; not everybody fixes them. I no longer have guilt over what I did or did not do that contributed to my marriage failing. I owed my mistakes. W couldn't own her. That guilt can be hers now; I have atoned for my sins.

[mishka422]

Well, that may be true or partially true, but you know what? I also changed this and that and stopped doing those things and fixed me. Everybody makes mistakes; not everybody fixes them. I no longer have guilt over what I did or did not do that contributed to my marriage failing. I owed my mistakes. W couldn't own her. That guilt can be hers now; I have atoned for my sins.

Good job and well said!

[XYZ]

Even when the journey is over, it's not over. Even though I moved out a month ago, it was only about 5 days ago that I gave W the "it's over; I'm done" speech. And then....

On Wed night I was out to dinner with the kids. In the course of an hour, I get 6 text messages from W asking how the kids are. I ignore them until after dinner. Then I reply "I am no longer at your beck and call. I will reply to your messages when convenient to me; not when convenient to you. Kids are fine." She emails me later saying something about me using the kids against her. I replied "I have not, nor will I ever, use the kids against you. I will have them call you every night before bed and if there is ever an issue you will be the first to know. Other than that, I will not interrupt me/we just because it's convenient to you to text me. I will reply to you when it is convenient to me". This is a MAJOR shift for me and it's real. I don't give a crap about pissing her off anymore.

Then last night (I had kids last night), I get a text about 10:30, "Are you up?". I replied "just turned off the light, need something?" Her: "No, just upset, it's ok, go to sleep". Me: "Ok. Good night."

Again, a major shift. A week ago, I would have been all "it's ok, what do you need? Need me to run over there and wipe your butt?" Not anymore.

I lean out (and I mean, I am all the way out) and she leans in. We'll see if she's prepared to lean all the way in. Not really up to me, but it is refreshing to watch the game play out and not really care (care is a strong word and I do care, but you know what I mean) which way it goes.

[XYZ]

One more note...just got a TM from W. "Sorry I texted you so late, Mom and I got a in huge fight and she left. I was worried." (her mom has been staying with her). I just replied "It's ok". Again, major shift. Old me would have quizzed her on the fight and then launched into "see how could this be all about me when you can't get along with anybody"?

[XYZ]

So I stayed away from these boards for months while I was working on my marriage. I stop by here to check in one time a few days after deciding that I was "D O N E" and now I can't stay away from them (again)...

Journaling...

I'm not really a very religious person, but I am spiritual. A few days ago I said to God, "I'm done. I've done all I can. Now it's up to you, I have to move on." And since then, I almost feel progress. Maybe it's just relief; maybe it's detachment; maybe W has sensed it too and reacting. Who can know?

I'm back to reading all the posts and thinking about my next strategy. Is this healthy? I really have no idea. I was done and didn't care how she reacted to what I did, because it didn't matter. Now I'm thinking again about her words and/or actions show and/or mean. I really don't know if this is a good thing for my mental health or not.

Why did W contact me when she was upset at a fight she had with her mother? Does that mean I'm still her goto-guy? Will she think about it that way? What will it mean to her that I wasn't there for her when she did reach out? Will that make her miss it or make he feel like she was right all along because I wasn't there? Will she even notice that when she needed to talk, she called me? Doesn't that mean something? I wouldn't call somebody I don't want to talk with. Will she realize that if she can't get along with me AND she can't get along with her month AND she can't get along with her business partner that maybe - just maybe - at least part of the problem is her? Would that matter if she did think that? Even if she decided that ALL of the problem was her (which it wasn't), would that change her feelings or are they locked in regardless of who was the root or the issues?

None of this matters. I'm detached (no, really I am. Although I'm sure this sounds it! ;)). I'm moving on, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed if she shows up one day soon begging forgiveness either.

[XYZ]

Maybe I'll change the title to "XYZ is here, and maybe I'll stay a little while..."