Because my time is short I'll get right to an issue: We have several unresolved issues from years ago. Part of "the deal" for recovery from my H's affair was that we would become an "official family". Time after time for 11 years now, he has said that he will do as the attorney and financial advisor suggested and legally adopt my daughter. I have gone for years at a time without saying anything then it will come back up for me, particularly during times of transition. Feels like things get all settled and moving forward but it never happens. This time we had a great session with my therapist and sure seemed like there was a clear plan. There is no doubt that he loves my daughter and grand daughter and the whole notion of fatherhood is super charged for all of us so it is a tough thing. I have issues with my Dad that I wish I could resolve so I’m going to redouble my efforts to do that as I believe real resolution any where affects every where.
The more immediate situation is that I wept a fair amount yesterday. Don’t think my H figured it out and perhaps didn’t notice. I managed to regroup by the end of the day and there were several important steps forward between my D and H and some good developments between me and him also. Unfortunately, it came back to haunt me today. H noticed, asked what was wrong, and I told him. Interestingly, upon telling him, I saw the whole thing differently. I saw that my daughter’s hurt makes it difficult for my very passive H to work up showing her that he is sincere. He’s waiting for her and she’s waiting for him. I told him that also but it was too late. He is now in a deep funk, and having eaten nothing all day said he wasn’t hungry and wanted to sit at the gate the 2 1/2 hrs before our flight home. So here I am writing, trying to get a grip, and head back to the gate.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
I took a bump to a later flight for $400 so have several more hours here. That made me happy, can definitely use the airfare and the cool down time for both of us.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Ummmm.....I'm a little confused. Your daughter was 20 when you guys married? She's 38 now? Why should he be adopting her? Surely if he wants to provide for her on his death, he can include her in his will. It just seems odd to me for him to adopt her at this late date.
I really don't get that either. I asked before but just didn't get the answer you sent. It sounds as if you and your d have major issues you think he can/should fix, with an unecessary superficial act.
He can provide for her and granddaughter easily, without any of this and I don't believe any L or financial advisor says he must do this b/c he doesn't have to -just make a will and buy some life insurance. If there's a trust only his children can avail themselves of, then it looks kind of...materialistic don't you think? And if there's not, what's the problem?
My gut says You are forcing him to do something he does NOT want to do. If you keep insisting, even though there are other ways to provide security then I think he's going to feel manipulated and controlled....(Though tbh, your 38 y/o d seems a bit old to still have this "daddy abandoned me" problem that it's not his job to fix...imo) she needs therapy for that.
Making it some formalized adoption like what you seem to want, seems strange and false. Maybe it strikes him that way too....?? Have you asked him HOW he FEELS about it, or have you just said it's what you want?
My h and d22s R did suffer when h was gone during her last 2 years of high school. But they are working on it and it IS getting better. Mostly by time spent together, one on one sometimes. A regular lunch or dinner every month, just the two of them is helping a lot. I encourage it and really am happy to see it happening. Father's Day is coming up. If your h has acted like a good father or step father, then what about thanking him for that? See how positive affirmations work instead of the periodic complaints...no offense.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My H has no biological children and felt so strongly that he never wanted bio children that he has a 20 year old vasectomy. I would have been delighted to have his child but with a grown one and a good career was fine not to have more children.
My daughter and grand daughter live 1000 miles away. My H's job loss and affair moved us away from them. Before that we moved for him to escape a job that wasn't going well 1000 mi in a different direction.
Lots more to the story.
I never said the lawyer/financial advisor said he must do this. According to these professionals, who live here, it would be easier for my daughter, particularly if we went down in a plane or got killed in a car crash, and particularly as she lives so far away, for her to be his legal daughter. He calls her his daughter. He has no other heirs. This was a house keeping detail that could have had some sweetness. Every now and then when we'd go up in a plane, I'd casually say "hey, let's get that done". He'd say "sure". He says and has said for years that he would be "honored to be her Dad". He also told her this last time we were there directly, then didn't have the form filled out properly. There's a lot more like this.
He just doesn't want to do it even though he says he does. So now I'm letting it go. But with it is going a whole layer of trust. Of course very little of it has to do with this specific incident, that looks so superficial and small.
I've got some very exciting work to pursue, enough of this.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Also, I'm not here to rehash the past. I'm here to pull back, calm down, do some very important GAL work where I may fall flat on my face but I want to try and put my energy into that instead of worrying about my marriage. I'm looking for solutions not analysis. Was I analyzing too much? Absolutely! I am stopping and trying very hard to be accepting.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
if you don't want input about things you said bother you,
then how can we best help you?
I'm being sincere.
See, you brought it up, (more than once.) We pointed out ways we thought your stated needs could be met, without the "solution" your h may not want.
So how can we help you now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
1. Accept and respect my feelings, there is a very long story of how I got to them
2. If ways my needs could be met were pointed out, I missed it. All I heard is that what I wanted was wrong.
Again, the issue is simply making things easy on my D if the worst were to happen and not make her have to sift through a mess from 1000 miles away. The outcome would be the same, but according to our sources, it would just be more difficult to settle if she is not his legal daughter. Plus, if he regards her as his daughter why is it a big deal to make it legal? We have been looking for a financial advisor that we are comfortable with for a while on and off. This summer I have some time to get serious about finding one. I will get some more legal advise on this. You may be correct about the legal mater, 25, but surely you would agree that in general it makes more sense for one to listen to professionals they have consulted with expertise on the laws of their particular state than to listen to someone one doesn't know on a website. I do have some life insurance. I will reread suggestions made to me here and try to find some concrete suggestions for addressing my need and feelings which have a little to do with materially providing for my D and GD but have a whole lot more to do with commitment and participating in family.
I have initiated a little father's day project or it may turn into a birthday project that will knock my H's socks off.
I will take you at your word that you are trying to be helpful but I don't need any 2 by 4s.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Until we find a financial advisor I am putting away the whole adoption thing. I will see the advisor alone and try to structure things without an adoption but keeping the living trust because we will need that later when I get my inheritance which will be far more substantial than our estate now.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Will you not get everything in the event your H passes? Is your D designated your next beneficiary after him in the event you go first? If so, are you only worried then about what would happen to his half of things if the both of you died at once?
