I think you make great points but I think you're either filling in blanks incorrectly, I'm doing a poor job of explaining the situation, or both.
The time frame for all of the above is 2006 to present. It's not that I haven't applied all those things to our R...I did. For years. It simply didn't work. Not that I mean DB doesn't work...just that my W simply doesn't want to be married to me, she doesn't want to work on our marriage, and she has free will.
I have done all of the things you mentioned when she has been receptive to hearing it, included telling her I loved her and asking her to go to counseling, etc. I did that in early May. She said, flat out, No. That she doesn't love me. She never really did. That she wants to be done now, that after 16 years if it hasn't worked yet, it isn't going to. I disagree with her, but her mindset is that of a WAW again. It is totally against DB to pursue her or attempt to work on the R together when she is in that mindset.
Again, I may not have explained enough in my previous posts, but in the years since 2006 I have completely changed how I respond to my wife/SO. In the past, I got terribly resentful and let the hurt and anger at her rejection build up until I got depressed or started a fight. Since then, I GAL and gave her the space she asked for. When she was interesting in engaging me, we did all the usual good stuff: we dated, went to MC, etc. But, over time, emotionally, she withdrew and put all of her energy and time into outside activities until it got to the point that she stopped being available to continue doing things with me. She never suggested any, and when it got to the point where I was getting resentful and hurt again, I instead (finally) simply told her that I wanted to spend time with her but if she was going to fill her life with work and friends and not include me, I would not pursue her. Her response, in her words: "Well thanks for letting me know."
The way I see it, my unwillingness to file for divorce myself is as much as I can give at this point, but it's still giving something, even if that something is just a little more time for her to think this through and make sure she wants it bad enough to go through with it. If she does, I will live with the decision as gracefully as I can.
I don't think it's being passive-aggressive. It's simply accepting the reality of the situation: that I want this marriage to be all that it can be, but it takes 2, and she's actively pursuing a divorce. Divorce, for me, is not something I'm going to actively pursue for the simple reason that I made a commitment, initially to my wife, and by extension to my children, our family, and that included a vow to be here for better or for worse. The last few years have been a lot of "for worse." What I've done in the face of her rejection of me and this marriage is GAL and, I think, find a way to be the best husband and father I can be in this situation. However, the simple truth is that, after years of hoping, and DB'ing, I have accepted that as far as she is concerned the marriage is done and she is leaving. I can live with it.
However, it will have to be her decision. At this point I would only file if I discovered she is being adulterous again. Aside from that, again, refusing to file is a part of my commitment. If she closes the door on this marriage permanently, again, I can live with it because I no longer have any serious expectation that things will be different. I'm not seething with resentment. Yes, I will always think she has made the wrong decision and will not like it, but I'm a big boy and life goes on. In the meantime, my commitment means I'm obligated to stick it out to the bitter end, not because I'm clinging desperately to her skirt and can't live without her, but because as far as I'm concerned it's the right thing to do.
The situation is sad, to be sure. However, I will not leave my home. I worked hard for it and still want it. If she wants to leave, at this point, so be it. That's her choice. Since 2006 I've done everything I could possibly do.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
"I instead (finally) simply told her that I wanted to spend time with her but if she was going to fill her life with work and friends and not include me, I would not pursue her. Her response, in her words: "Well thanks for letting me know.""
Being passive and checking out of your M seems to be your MO for quite some time now, years.
You have good rationalizations for it. I believe that you have done a lot for yourself, you seem to be doing great. BUT, doing more of the same this summer simply is sitting around watching your M wither and die.
To me, between the lines, you sound like you are still trying to *win*, being stubborn that she make the first move to prove you are right.
Look, I BELIEVE you when you say your M is unlikely to be saved. I even AGREE with you. That is TOTALLY not the point.
I'm not at all suggesting you pursue W. Rather, I'm suggesting YOU quit being Mr. Passive.
Just take another look at PM, why not? :-) Really, I'm encouraging it for YOUR sake as an individual who will want a great R at some point in your life.
"I'm all for detachment in ALL relationships, I see it as a requirement for real intimacy and real compassion."
Yes, I totally agree.
"You've been doing more of the same for a long time now."
Yes, very.
"It isn't working,"
Well, yes and no. It has worked as far as making me stronger and, well, having the best life I can under the circumstances. It hasn't had any significant impact on my wife, but this isn't math, where all you have to do is add 1 and 1 and you always get 2. This involves two human beings with free will...I could be very wrong about this, and please forgive me if I am, but there seems to be a subtext/assumption in what you're saying to me: "There is some behavior or combination of behaviors that, if I discover/do them, will lead my wife to change her mind." There may be, I don't know, but I think that particular line of thinking is flawed, because the converse of that would be: If the marriage ends in divorce, it's because Spouse B did not do X,Y,Z that would have made a difference. Sometimes, that may be true; sometimes it's not. Not every marriage will be saved because it takes two people and sometimes, some people just have their own agendas/issues and the free will to go in whatever direction they choose.
" nor do you seem particularly happy doing it."
Well, again, I mourn the imminent loss of my marriage and family. However, I am much happier still being here, waking up under the same roof with my son every single day. It has lead to many good things in our lives, many of which could not have been as possible otherwise.
"So why not something different?"
Like what? Not even considering what went on the first 12 years of our marriage, since 2006 I have firmly stood for this marriage and family. I have steadfastly, though of course imperfectly, done what I thought was right. When my wife has been open to being with me and working on the marriage, I did the same. When my wife has resisted that or openly told me she didn't want it, when she turned down invitations to go out, said she didn't want to ML anymore, didn't want to talk about our R or our problems, looked me square in the eye and told me she didn't, and never would, love me, I backed off.
Again, I certainly don't claim to know everything. However, coming up is our 5 year anniversary of the bomb being dropped, and our 16 year anniversary of being married. Yes, she confessed to her adultery the morning after our 11th wedding anniversary.
I honestly don't think there's anything I haven't tried at this point. However, I'm no longer a 'glass is half empty' kind of guy. I don't see myself as sitting around dreading the day she files. I see myself as continuing in my commitment to my W and my family in the best way I can considering the circumstances, and enjoying my time with my son and opportunities to continue to love him and guide him and raise him to the best of my ability.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
