Tired of letting fear run my life. Moving forward.

[hope2011]

My old threads are here somewhere in Newbies. Summary:

- Married 2 and a half years, together 4 years.
- H was D'd twice before me. Both marriages over 6 years.
- I was married for 10 years, D'd 6 years before meeting H.
- H has 2 sons, 15 yr old twins. We have 50% custody (every other week). They are typical teens but for the most part, we get along pretty well. I love them like my own.
- I lost my only child many years ago, he was 6 and sick his whole life. I'm very healthy in my grief and rebuilt my life.
- Dating was wonderful. I had never been so happy. We were best friends, would spend hours just laughing, talking, giggling together and talking about the future. He was kind, compassionate, attentive, generous, thoughtful.
- Our R was wonderful until we got married. H lost his job of 10 years, his house, his car, his retirement... everything in the market crash. We had to move twice in a little over a year. H's ego took a huge beating. He turned moody, quick tempered (never physical), selfish. I turned defensive, hurt, angry. Our first 2 years of marriage were horrible.
- Marriage counseling was a bust. The therapist was an idiot who enabled H's moods and made it worse. We'd leave screaming and crying almost every session. That lasted 2 months and now H won't go back.
- In October 2010 - December 2010 the fighting got worse. H dropped the bomb in Oct and again in Dec. I thought things were getting better in Dec but H just disengaged emotionally and joined a dating site. I started DB before I knew of all this.
- It came to head on New Year's Day when my car wasn't drivable and I was stuck 2 hrs from home after going to a friend's wedding alone. H wouldn't come get me. I admit I was passive aggressive about it and hurt I had to go to the wedding alone so that escalated it all. When he came to get me the next morning, another fight, another D request.
- Early January I found out about the dating site, found a pair of panties in the back of his underwear drawer (said to be the ex-wife's and there from before we met). I was crushed, terrified. I DB'd. I did shut down his dating site profile, after e-mailing every woman he had been talking to. He never met any in person. I didn't yell or scream at him, I DB'd.
- By the end of January DB had started to work. H decided to work on the marriage, said he "couldn't do any better" than me. I try to take that as a compliment though I'm still not sure.

So here we are, now June. Things are better. H has a few moody moments here and there but I'm learning to give him space without trying to find out why, fix it, etc. Most of his mood these days are from the boys (bad grades, talking back). I have also learned that H cannot handle any type of discussion about the boys without taking it as a personal insult on his parenting. So I am backing off but it's still very hard for me to do. Last night I said "shouldn't they be studying for their exams tomorrow instead of working out?" and H took it as an insult and got distant for an hour or two. He needs to take his ego out of it and see it is as me caring about the boys well-being but I can't make him do that. It is causing some damage to my R with the boys as I have to distance myself sometimes so that H doesn't get upset if I parent. It's hard. But I'm learning that I can control the mood of the house better and the M better if I can respect H's low self-esteem right now instead of needing to get my opinion out or parent his kids. I'm slow, but I eventually learn.

It's helped because H has been sweet, we spend a lot of time together again, joke again, go out on dates, ML. He's talking about the future again. 6 months ago he was looking for an apt without me, now he's making sure his new job has life insurance enough to take care of me if anything happens to him (currently, the only policy he has is for the boys). I've been sick and need surgery and he's been working hard on getting the health insurance straight. I have a huge project at work and he's been helping. Usually starting in the morning on it before me. He brings me coffee about every other morning. He stopped sleeping on top of the sheets (he's always done that) because he knows it bugs me. He's trying. Really hard.

I'm trying hard to forgive everything and work on my own issues too. I still snoop but after the XH leaving me for OW... I'm human. I've been through all H's phone records, internet, key stroke logger, bank accts, cell phone... I'm 98% sure he hasn't had a PA. I went through Oct-Dec with a fine tooth comb. No hotels, no phone calls, no texts, no hidden e-mails, no more dating sites.... nothing. Not even in Oct-Dec. Nothing. I've been through the house more than once looking for stuff. When he was on the dating site, he was sloppy. I found out very easily. He's not very computer literate at all. So unless he's learned to be super stealthy, he's been faithful. I have seen he's been on porn sites a few times (once every few weeks) but they aren't interactive. I hate he's doing that but I haven't said a word.

So in the past few months I have 180'd a lot and GAL. I do well except when I have PMS then I am so insecure and I just need some reassurance but I DB for the most part. No R talks still because H still can't handle them. He gets defensive so for now, I am letting it go. He has a lot of guilt to deal with for the on-line dating stuff and all that and I have to let him work through that guilt. Right now he already feels like a failure as a father, in his career... criticizing him or bringing up the bad stuff or even asking where we stand reminds him that we almost failed at married too. And for him it would be his 3rd failed marriage.

He fell in love with me because I believed in him, I looked up to him, I built his ego up, I looked at him like a knight in shining honor who could do no wrong. Then we got married and he fell of the horse and I became a b!tchy, nagging woman at the lowest time of his life. I have a lot of rebuilding to do. I'm still insecure and dealing with that a lot.

I stopped posting here because well, no one responded and I got a lot of "quits", "he's cheating" responses. Maybe you are all right but I can't keep letting my past hurt from the XH rule this M. I can't assume H cheated because the XH did and advice here is that he did. I have no proof. No real proof. Am I terrified? Absolutely, every freaking day. But I'm sick of living my life in fear of getting hurt. I want to live and that means being vulnerable and believing in the people I love. I need to have more faith in myself that I didn't choose a total jerk, that I fell in love with a good man going through a bad time. I need to have more faith in my H. I need to have faith that if I am wrong, I am strong and can move on and be ok. But I have to stop this fear of the sky falling on my head at any minute.

I can't talk to family or friends and I can't bottle this all up inside. I need someone to talk to so I'm posting here. Maybe it will be a journal, maybe some of ya'll will respond but either way, I need this.

[LearningPatience]

Hope,
I remember reading your thread in Newbies but don't think I ever responded. I'm very happy to hear that things are going (relatively) well for you! I know you aren't out of the woods yet, but I would consider you and your H a success story!

I didn't get a lot of responses in my threads either, but it still helped me process my feelings. I get a few now, but even if I don't, I can still imagine others are reading and relating to their own sitch.

[toughlover]

hey hope,

It sounds to me like you guys have trouble just in being able to talk to each other without it getting out of hand...I may be 100% wrong, so please forgive me if I am, but if that's the case, I'd encourage you to find a way to try and give the marriage counseling thing another shot. All MC's are not created equal, so to speak, and I was fortunate to find a good one. I can't say what would work for you but my experience has been that it's important to find an MC who believes in marriage and is committed to helping you communicate, identify the real problems, and find real ways to work through them together. In my case I just went on a recommendation from a trusted, wise friend and got lucky, but if I were doing it over again from scratch, I'd call several and 'interview' them a bit to see if they fit the bill.