Won't stand for a broken family

[ninelives]

I echo the above comments. It seems like another shortcoming of your spouses if he wants you to drink. As long as you are not nagging him about drinking, and unless he is an alcoholic, there is no reason that I see that you should drink.

I know how you feel though. My w and her entire family drink to excess. My wife not so much but she did start a few years ago becoming an alcholic but has since stopped. She said she needed it because she was so unhappy. But I did feel a little pressure to drink more and even did at times but it was wrong to do so.

Dont do something that doesnt feel right. But stay upbeat and social when he is drinking. That way, he cannot accuse you of bringing him down when he wants to cut loose a little.

9

[take/2]

25, hate to jump in here, but I would love for you to take a look at my sitch, and see if you can lend a comment or piece of advise. I am hoping someone can give some advice. You seem to be the master on here. Thanks

[25yearsmlc]

right before h left for the "Last Frontier" -where immortality and gold are in abundance

he'd come around and do DIY projects and all this stuff I had wanted for 3 years...amazing...wth?

Super nice and helpful...and then gone...

[Timetotry]

KD and 9, I really don't know why he wants me to drink. Yeah, he has said that when I have a few I seem different but I don't think I am. Maybe its his perception? I have to think about that more. I still believe he wanted to be at the shore too, which he likes to do too and couldn't and had to find a way to ruin my day. I won't fall into peer pressure, I didn't in younger years, I certainly won't start now. I never was mad if he had a few so he can't throw that one at me either.

25, your scaring me. So, am I to think he's doing all the stuff around the house in order to leave? I thought that when he first left because there were things I wanted for a few years done that all of the sudden he did.

I just keep hearing from people that he comes around for his own benefit when he wants. There is one VERY big 180 I have no dared to do yet; come back at him or fight back in the moment. I typically become quiet and pull back my emotions in thinking its not best to say things that I may regret later. I am thinking that next time he says/does something that bothers me to just say it loud and clear and without any fear. Now if I could only bring myself to do it...

[LearningPatience]

I just keep hearing from people that he comes around for his own benefit when he wants. There is one VERY big 180 I have no dared to do yet; come back at him or fight back in the moment. I typically become quiet and pull back my emotions in thinking its not best to say things that I may regret later. I am thinking that next time he says/does something that bothers me to just say it loud and clear and without any fear. Now if I could only bring myself to do it...

TTT,
that has always been one of my issues, not wanting to rock the boat and keeping things inside. The problem is that those feelings well up inside until one minor issue releases all the pent up anger and resentment at once. This solves nothing and generally makes the sitch worse.

Now, I'm not saying to speak the first thing that comes to mind either. The trick (one I wish I knew better) is to calmly say something like "I don't agree" or whatever the sitch warrants.

When my W would say something in anger or frustration to me (justified or not), if I remembered to stand up for myself and say something, she would calm down quickly. It's amazing how pleasant she would get afterward. It's almost like she *wanted* me to stand up to her. I think she respected me much more in those occasions.

[25yearsmlc]

T3,

Don't get scared. My point is not to read into things. But you still have to do the applauding loudly for the 1%...

But lose the temperature taking.

If he really wants back in, (and I think he's starting to), you cannot react to it until if and when he is clear about it. You'll blow it if you stare at him or push or keep on taking the temp. Do not engage in useless discussions. But don't act as if he's coming home or even wants to , UNTIL he is VERY CLEAR about it.

That way you minimize the risk of him returning too soon.

DETACH....DETACH...PLEASE...you know this.
You can do it.

[Timetotry]

I am trying to detach but its getting harder when he comes around everyday now.

Last night he came over to cut the grass. After he finished he swam with the D3 and S for a bit. He told me he will bring over dinner Thurs nite, wants to work on cleaning up the garage Friday nite and Saturday finish, swim a bit and then take D3 and S for the night. This means he filled another weekend of time to get himself through.

I'm not saying no. I am wondering if I should start saying no again. His coming around everyday is a great thing and I thought it was 'doing what works' but I don't think he is doing it because of me. I think he misses his family time with kids and the house, especially in the summer weather.

When I cut him off a few months back it made him more furious and said it was proof that he should D me.

Since I stopped refusing he has more contact. I probably need a 2 by 4 because I may be trying to control the timeline so it meets my terms, I know. But at the same time, its not right that he can come and go as he pleases and have no responsibilities. I feel I am being used some days even though I don't mind what he was doing at the moment/day.

Its been 2 weeks since we went on the 'meet', not date and nothing has been said since about spending one on one time again. Still no R talk and I know not to bring it up and I know he was clear that he wanted to take it slow. But slow is one thing, snail's pace is another.

I am not feeling my needs to move forward in any direction are met.

[ninelives]

Ive never disagreed with 25 and Im not going to start now. Please listen to her.

My w last summer wanted back in after 4 months apart. I didnt know about OM. I received mixed messages on this board about the R. Some said, dont let her back easy and others were giving me crap for being to hard on her.

My w even wrote me a 7 page letter pledging undying love and how she wanted to grow old with me, blah blah, ad nauseum.

The words were there, the action was NOT. I sensed it immediately when I took her back. In the pool, every time I swam towards her, she backed off. No REAL hugs. Love making was forced.

My point. It will take some time to KNOW for sure whether he wants back or not. Even if he says the words, be cautious because you dont really know until they SHOW you they are back in. And you will know what to look for. What is real and what is forced.

Be patient. You dont want to go down this path again. Trust me.

9

[Timetotry]

Ive never disagreed with 25 and Im not going to start now. Please listen to her.

My point. It will take some time to KNOW for sure whether he wants back or not. Even if he says the words, be cautious because you dont really know until they SHOW you they are back in. And you will know what to look for. What is real and what is forced.

Be patient. You dont want to go down this path again. Trust me.

Oh yes, I am very fortunate to have 25's wise advice and I am trying to apply it at all times. I have also lurked on your sitch too and I do trust and feel for you 9.

In my sitch, I feel he has done more from actions but NEVER saying the words. I have been sticking to the theory "Believe nothing that they say and only half of what they do". Its just somedays, such as today, I feel that I should throw in the towel because its not moving to the pace I want and yes..I know that is wrong!

I spoke with a friend earlier and though that it was clear that I am not ready to say anything let alone be 'done'. He isn't ready and maybe it comes down to I am not ready either. Luckily, I have this forum to share and vent.

[Timetotry]

Patience, no negativity and keep home smooth and paved, DB method.

IC and everyone I know, cut him off. DB method won't work on him.

DB says do what works too. Is what I am doing working?

Have I gotten any closer to my goal?

Since 2/18, yes, I have made it so H is confused and considering new start. However, there has not been any progress other than no negativity and him coming around more for some family time. That happenend even in March. So I wonder, is what am I doing working? Do I need to give it time? Or do I shut his time to come around and hang at the house and around me?

IC and some thinks he is using me for his own benefit. I feel this way sometimes too. Other times I think he is trying in his own way.

I know that I need to focus on me and detach but his coming around or even us going out to dinner tonight makes it difficult for me to do that. He is talking future things too. "We should go there" "Next time we should do this", etc. How am I not going to read into this?

Yes, it would be so much easier to quit and move on and shut the door. But I cannot face that fear and it gets me so frustrated with myself.

The billion dollar question...is what I am doing working?