Beatrice, Even though he's being nice at the moment, if something rocks his boat, he'll show a little bit of anger once again. Being friends to them means something totally different from what we think it means. To them, being friends, is to have someone that they can just drop in on and suck up all of your energy and then leave again until the notion strikes them. It's a one way street from them for a very long time.
I think you are wise to use caution and know that it's still part of his mlc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know this is absolutely true. My XW drops in and is all friendly and then disappears. Sometimes she is kind and affectionate in her emails. If I reciprocate she is gone even faster.
I find it's best to stay focussed on our own path.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
The AoS from my husband started a long time ago and he definitely disappeared after each series of assistance. It always seemed to me that he would allow himself to hang around until he eventually got too close and then he would disappear.
Beatrice, I hope you are healing well and resting up. As one who has a few surgeries under her belt I know it's essential to pamper yourself and make yourself the absolute priority to heal physically and emotionally.
My XW asked me if I would bring the kids down to her office on Friday. She started a new job at a cool internet company.
The kids and I showed up, were introduced to everyone and had lots of fun in the office. Then we all went out for lunch followed by ice cream. When it was time to leave she hugged and kissed the kids and grabbed me and gave me the longest hug ever. She had a great time all together, and kind of seemed like her old self.
And.......big surprise no word from her today and I probably won't hear from her for days.
I have my kids now for 2 weeks. We are going on a driving trip through Michigan for a week of the time.
BTW for the first time in 2 years I asked (emailed) her if she wanted to go to a movie, that we both want to see. You know what she said....... nothing...... I didn't even get a response back.
Oh ya, out of the blue my x mother-in-law sent me an email last week asking if I would like to come to the art gallery with the kids (I had them). The kids and I went and had a really nice time. We even went for lunch afterwards. My X emailed me to tell me my X MIL emailed her to tell what a great time she had and what a great father I am.
Oh well...
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Our exchanges are still very tentative - a few emails and then radio silence. Sometimes I initiate and sometimes he does. There is nothing very personal exchanged. i sense he is like a wild animal - the slightest startle and he will be off. However, since he is stuck, and has been for some time, I have rattled the bars a bit. If HB is right stirring the pot is the right thing to do.
I am fine though - better to have no expectations and watch the show unfold. The most I want at present is friendship.
Beatrice, You've shown him that you are not angry or hold grudges and he can't understand that. He knows that he's done wrong by you and it's difficult for them to understand that you are an adult and have moved on. He's still viewing himself in the mirror as a teenager and is waiting for the other shoe to drop, just as if his mother will punish him at some point.
It's good that you post to him periodically and you've shown him kindness and friendship. He now needs to figure out a way to bridge the gap w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This latest exchange does feel different from any previous touch and go. Then he seemed to feel more 'entitled', now he seems subdued, but occasionally funny. A returning sense of humour is a real positive as far as I am concerned - just easier to deal with someone who does not take himself so seriously.
Anyway, thanks to all for the posts. It is a long process, and we have changed so much during all of this.
I too think he is looking for a way to bridge the gap. I think he wants to suggest meeting up, but doesn't know how.
Hmmm - any views on this one? My youngest son [adult] is staying at my house for a while. This morning he gets a call from my xh at my house. This is my new house, and he doesn't have the number, so he found it out [no-one I know would have given it to him], and rang [checked the phone later and it was a number withheld] Son's girl friend answered the phone.
I am disturbed by this, including the number withheld stuff - youngest son and his father are pretty estranged [his father has behaved very hurtfully to him over the years since he left] and I feel he has no right to call here, and disturb us. A boundary feels violated. I know that for those of you who are in regular contact with their MLCers this will seem like I am making a big fuss, but I believe my xh knows that this is a big deal for me. Just needed to vent.
Son isn't happy about it either. he hasn't seen his father in a long time - probably nearly two years. It isn't punishment, he says his father depresses him and he doesn't feel he owes him anything any more. Has tried to help him in the past, but been rejected repeatedly, and then pursued. I am not interfering in their r, btw, I would like them to be able to heal their differences, but that is between them. The two older ones are gradually doing this.
On the other hand xh is reaching out a bit. Need to process all of this, and decide if I am being unreasonable.
I guess the answer depends on why he was calling? If he is just trying to reach out, this might be a way he's trying to do it. To him this is probably a much bigger effort than email. I get why you're feeling this way, though. Like I said I think a lot has to do with why he is calling/what he's communicating verbally.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
