My last thread was about my xh's unremitting hostility, most of the time, for the past 5 and a half years.
Well since Easter he has been mild and pleasant towards me in a limited contact. We have exchanged quite a few emails, and he is a little bit like he used to be, but more depressed! He has been trying for some time now to rebuild a relationship with his children, but not trying very hard from a normal perspective. According to my youngest he feels we all abandoned him, which is a bit weird since he could not wait to get out of the door, and repeatedly put OW and her family first, as they do
I had a long and to me happy marriage [35 years] and we have three grown up kids. No grandkids. I dont know what I want. A part of me is enjoying our cautious email exchange. We now live a long way apart. Do I want to put the effort in to rebuilding a friendship, [I do not want any more, and neither I think does he] since he was always my closest friend. Because it is going to take work even to be friends, Lots of it.
I have been DBing and doing a 180 for me in the emails: quite fun, I never really had a chance to do this before.
In favour of gently pursuing this are the following. A long marriage and friendship, shared children, and a lot of goodness and kindness from him to me during that time. He is intelligent and we like the same things. Also I think it might give me final closure.
Against is that he is still seems to be somewhat in MLC, certainly very broken, and probably unpredictable. It would be a lot of work from me, and I would likely face rebuffs [not that he has the power to hurt me as he did any more].
It is odd, when they do seem to start to emerge from the fog they are broken, although not admitting it for the most part. They aren't the person who went into MLC, and we aren't the person they left. And yet there is still something there, that we both know about. We cannot ever get back what we lost, and I feel very confused. My dreams are strange, and full of past events. I think it is about healing for us both, and that is why it is important to think about it.
I no longer have any interest in the rights and wrongs of all that happened. I understand enough about MLC [although no one can get in their heads] to know that he was driven and felt he 'had' to do these things. Whereas I see he had a choice.
I should add that I am in a good place, not perfect - I have further surgery upcoming shortly, which I have not mentioned to xh, nor shall I, and a large project which I am probably mad to have started on at my age, but that is a fun challenge.
Have any old timers been here? It is not about rebuilding the marriage, but about whether to even try and foster a relationship with this broken individual who was once my dearly loved husband, and for whom I still feel love and compassion.
I don't believe I qualify as an oldtimer on this Board, but here goes anyway:
IMHO it will hurt nothing for you to return his email inquiries in a friendly manner, although I would think you shouldn't initiate them.
Yes, I understand there are feelings that I will always harbor for the man my X used to be, but he may never be that man again. As you've said, it's as if grieving a death.
My D's and BFF all think that there will come a day when XH darkens my doorstep again. Will I be strong? I don't know. But I really can't afford to worry about that now. Que sera sera and all that.
FWIW, I see no harm in exchanging emails as 'old friends'. Have no expectations, no secret agendas, just take it as it flows, and see what pans out. If you truly are no longer interested, and if he made that overture, you will know when the time comes, and can gently rebuff him. No need to worry about that now.
Thanks Punkin, not sure if I made myself clear, but [and this isn't meant to be patronizing] when you have been at this a long long time you seal off certain feelings to go on surviving. Even exchanging emails re-opens things that I closed off, but I think they probably need to be re-opened to get the last remaining hurts out for me to do the very final bit of healing [not expressed in the emails I hasten to add]. It is odd for me as he has been so hostile.
You are doing fabulously, but are in the relatively early stages: when you see them a long way down the line, broken, as you always knew they would be, you feel different [or at least I do]. I didn't think I would, but I do. I feel immense compassion. Extremely complicated feelings are washing around.
Beatrice, I think you should ask yourself what you want from the exchange. What I mean by that is, you have grown kids, he has hurt you so much, he is in another relationship, and he lives far away. What is it you want to achieve?
Braveheart, just for the record he is not in another relationship. And it was I who moved far away.
I am not sure what I want to achieve - that is what I am thinking about, out loud. It is one of the things these Boards are so good for. He divorced me to wipe the slate clean in order to possibly start over with me, but I did not see it that way.
I have a good life, but spent well over half my life with this man. To some extent I am what I am today because of who he was and our close and loving relationship. And he is the father of my children. A very good one too until he entered his crisis state. It is a lot of past to jettison completely and close the door on. I think by shutting the door now, I would be finally closing it, although one can never be sure.
We have both been very very ill, since we separated, and neither of us has a huge life expectancy. One reason for where we both now live is that we are close to centres of excellence for our respective illnesses. People who never had a real illness while we were together!
I put it to one side for a long time. I think I want to reclaim a part of my past back in a possible friendship - which is not at all the same as wanting to return to the past, which can never happen.
Life is sweet, nuanced and complicated for most of us. Few of us have your clear cut certainties!
Clear cut certainties? LOL The only "clear cut" certainty that I have in this life is that some day I will die. Before I reach that certainty, I do wish to be as happy as possible. I am terribly sorry about your illness, you and I have talked about it a little in the past, we share a somewhat common illness, so when you talk about life expectancy, know this: We are not guaranteed one minute on this planet. You or I either one could get out of our chair and drop dead. God takes us when he wants us, no need to worry about it, live you life to the fullest! With all that being said, I wish to spend my life with people who are good to me, not wasting it with those who are selfish and wish to do harm. I don't dwell on the past, its already gone, today is what counts. What we were before is not what we are now. I was just curious what you hoped to achieve. Being here for so many years I see a lot of these people trying to keep contact, not for a reconsiliation or friendship, but to keep the LBS in the drama. Anyway, I hope you get what you want out of it!
Beatrice I guess I don't have any advice here as I am still fairly new in the process, but I do sense your confusion and really understand why you're feeling pulled in many directions. You said you and he were older and had health issues, might you be feeling that you want "closure" before "time runs out"? (not to be morbid but that's what it sounds like). Like, you want to "at least" resurrect some sort of cordial friendship out of respect for the good years you had before it becomes too late to do so? I can understand why you'd want that. I can see that happening to me someday. But I guess my advice there is be cautious. As you said he is unpredictable, and no one wants to see you be further hurt. If you can truly stay detached that's great, no expectations, great, but in my case I think I'm doing that and then realize after the fact that I hid my own expectations from myself. I guess if you can't hide from yourself you're in good shape, but if that is a possiblity, be cautious :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Ha ha I totally contradicted myself by saying I had no advice and then gave some ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Happiness is a slippery fish - the outcome of a life well lived, rather than something we ever achieve by pursuing it.
Yes, I am well aware that none of us are guaranteed a moment on this planet, but as I get older I do get more spiritual, in the sense that what we experience, for me at any rate, is not all there is. Looking directly into the face of death is rather different from the general and abstract knowledge that we all might die one day. Spending it with people who are good to me - not wasting it on those who are selfish and wish to do harm. Well yes, sounds good doesn't it? And for the most part I do this.
Today is not all that counts though, it is that thinking that imo leads people into terrible mistakes. You have to take a longer view of life, even though it is short. I have a good friend who has just met someone, after a long period on his own. They are taking the view that they must live life for the moment, but it seems to me that they are rushing and risk destroying what they could have if they took it more gently.
I have never tried to keep contact - this is very very new for me. There was a time when xh tried to suck me into his drama but that was a long time ago, and I refused. I have been a fairly disciplined in all of this!! And survived, keeping my kids going throughout it all, as we must.
Antonia - oh yes, I understand the need for caution, and for courage.
I do not believe he could hurt me again - upset me and irritate me yes, but I think I have used up all my hurt cards!
And yes, I know about expectations. I am just musing about the work and effort involved, but I think I know the answer.
You see, for all that happened, after a period of time, you see the whole relationship, not the last few years of hurt and evaluate it ALL for what it was. And the all was good.
We both get to decide what we want, and it may come to nothing, but i will respect myself more if I am open to friendship, even if it involves a little more heartache.
I am not putting my full and happy life on hold, I assure you. And I am truly grateful for the concern shown.
