Won't stand for a broken family

[25yearsmlc]

you mostly have positives from him and efforts that he probably feels are not being acknowledged, let alone appreciated.

D1's pain is a drag. I have been there. These days h and d1 are in frequent contact and he takes her out to dinner or lunch, one on one, monthly. It was my suggestion and I have to admit that at times, I was a little jealous. But I really want their R to be as strong as possible for lots of reasons.

They can repair their r's. It won't make up for everything but I'm a veteran and we know many families with fathers who miss out on a lot yet stay close to their kids or reconnect when they return after long absences. It is not totally the same but there IS a rebuilding.

Give your h some credit, try not to doubt everything he does. In fact, I would suggest you applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does...yes, I know it's hard.

But he does seem to be trying and you don't want him to wonder if he'll "ever be good enough" so why should he bother trying?

[Timetotry]

Wow 25, your last point sticks with me. I am making it a new 180.

I will acknowledge the 1%. Interesting that you say you don't want him to wonder if he'll "ever be good enough". THAT was one of is main issues for leaving in the first place. He never feels that he can live up to what he thinks my expectations were from him.

I will work on this....thanks!

And b/t/w thank you for all of your services you have given to help keep our country great!

[25yearsmlc]

TTT (T3)
oh, the military service? Thanks and you are welcome.

I would back off big time and wait for him to be very clear, over time, before i'd want him back, IF you do.

You have to pull back T3, he's NOT ready.

Also, the "diagnosis" of MLC is, to me, almost useless. In fact it might be counter productive since most people think it means that its more likely to result in reconciling, but I don't know if there's evidence to support that.'
I see a lot of lbsers waiting a LONG time for change in the "MLC'er" and confusing "standing" with standing still, or waiting, or doing nothing and just hoping...


More importantly, your approach is the same if he's a WAS or an MLCer. So why all the talks about what your bil feels or thinks b/c he's got a new degree in human behavior? I mean I probably would have done the same at the time but in retrospect spending time on what my h was doing/feeling/planning/ and how could he? Why? Blah blah blah could have been spent on MY LIFE and MY FUTURE and MY KID'S...such a waste of my time. And time is short b/c tomorrow is promised to no one.

Why spend energy diagnosing him, when you could be spending it on your 180s and GAL? Having fun with your d's?

What if you don't do ANY temperature taking of the R? What if you let HIM DO ALL of that?

For the sake of how you act around him, what if you just Assume he's lost for awhile and you guys will "probably" divorce...you are "resigned" to it in the same way you are resigned to your bff not quitting smoking. You are NOT devastated or terrified. You regret it, mostly for his sake, but it's not your problem and you accept it.

Make sense? IOW, you're sad[i] for him especially, but you are also busy b/c You are looking forward to your new life, your new interesting friends you meet when you go to those cool exciting places and do the fascinating things you are now doing? [/i]

Takes the pressure off, and you can just move forward. If he catches up, and does the work (which you will KNOW b/c he'll have clarity, probably only happen ONLY if he fears losing you), then great...

If not, you won't have wasted any more time on HIS LIFE CHOICES...just focus on your own.

Make sense?

[Timetotry]

You have to pull back T3, he's NOT ready.

Yes, I agree but I really thought he was progressing after the last two weeks. I am not detached enough and need to work on that.

Why spend energy diagnosing him, when you could be spending it on your 180s and GAL? Having fun with your d's?

Make sense? IOW, you're sad[i] for him especially, but you are also busy b/c You are looking forward to your new life, your new interesting friends you meet when you go to those cool exciting places and do the fascinating things you are now doing?

Planning so already. The next 2 days I am going to the beach with 2 older D's and he is staying home with the younger 2 kids. I know he will be texting me the whole time. I just have to go dark for myself even though I know it will make him mad. Maybe he will miss me, I won't think about it as much then because I'll be surrounded by my family and going out Saturday nite to meet new, exciting people!

[25yearsmlc]

going dark doesn't mean total silence (doesn't have to). Don't be rude or provoke him...

But obviously don't be controlled by him or your fears of what he's thinking/feeling/doing...

au contraire, you are busy GALing in a big way.

Hey, maybe put that on your voicemail?? I did. You'll call back when...you can....

[Timetotry]

Did my best to GAL and 'fake it until I make it' this weekend; had some good positives and a few negatives.

Friday late afternoon H came over and brought pizza, wanted to cut the grass and so some work on the pool. Nothing negative for the day. Good, really good.

Saturday he arrived 10 minutes before I needed him with donuts for everyone and offered any assistance in putting stuff in the car for my trip. I already had everything done, figured I wanted to show I can do it all without him if I have too. He walked D2 and me to the car to see us off, it seemed as if he wanted more than to just say 'goodbye'. H text 30 minutes later saying traffic was ok. Hour later text saying how he was doing work around 'your house' and I responded 'our house' and he just said 'right'. Later in the day he text me how it was going and I said how BIL was feeding me beers on the beach. Bad news there. H apparently has an issue that I never really drank and if I did not around him. I responded how it was because we had kids and I wanted him to have fun, at my expense. He continues to send messages about it from the past and I responded 'what matters now is today and going forward anyway' and I said I can see how he felt that way. That backfired in so that he twisted it by saying I never admit to saying something was me. I said its both of us and I know I wasn't perfect and there are definitely things I wish I could redo again. He just says that I'll never see how I am and he feels sorry for me and that I really took a step back today, maybe more. I was so upset and the damn alcohol in me didn't help! What the he!! does that mean? Seriously, I took a step back, he really thinks the cards are all in his hands. No, I hold the cards that are in my hands, I control what I want to control (wanted to say that but didn't...can do that here though!) Went out with my sister to a shore bar. Did my best to try to enjoy the night but I was not the best of company. Thankfully it was my sister I was with and she tried her best to make me feel better. She kept pointing out how there were so many men to choose from there, I couldn't even care. Certainly not ready to date and this evening just proved it further for me.

Sunday I didn't even realize he text 3 times before I answered when we were getting ready to head home. I decided on my ride home I was going to act 'as if' all things were good. I think it worked! H was definitely not right at first but I just seemed upbeat, interacted with the kids and him. One point he made that stuck was he said how "NEXT YEAR" he will do something different when he opens the pool. Wait, NEXT YEAR. I didn't react to that though but inside I loved hearing that. I suggested we all go out to dinner and he said it was a great idea. While we were out, I made sure I had a drink; I wanted one but the bonus was to prove something to him. Wrong, I know. Left, started texting more as the night went on. H came back over to eat cake. I wanted it too though, so its all good.

Today was an overall positive day. He called to say he was stopping to get something for lunch and suggested getting me something on his way over. Had family time in the pool and sure enough he decided to make drinks so I had to drink a few. I noticed when I came in our bedroom that he put some toothpaste and a few other toiletries in his side of the bathroom vanity and some clothes in one of his drawers. He said how he made the pool a little warmer for me. When I was in the hot tub, he came over and sat there with me for a bit and then offered to get and cook dinner. So a very good day until the texting starts which was positive until he made a comment again that his wife never drank. What is it with drinking all the sudden? He didn't drink that much so what is the point he is trying to make? I just commentd back saying I do now and that I have been with him. I don't get it and never will.

So overall some very good positives for the weekend, some forward future points, positive time spent together as a family with only two times negative comments were made by him on the same topic. I just think he was jealous that I was at the shore and he wasn't and tried to ruin my time. He was home with kids; well, it was his day with them and I deserve to have fun on my one day a week even if it bothers him.

I'll just keep on trying to move forward for me.

[25yearsmlc]

well,

what IS IT with the drinking?

Do you have a problem with drinking too much?

Do you "need" it to loosen up and refused to with him? What is up with this?

I would want to know that one thing...otherwise it'll come up. But don't be a jerk about it, ya know?

Also, while applauding his positives, which is good, why not refrain from noticing his little possible moves toward you-when they are vague or ambiguous, (at least not to him?)

IOW, Don't bother correcting the "your house" "our house"....

let HIM be the one to declare HIS wants vis a vis the family. Otherwise he's playing house at his convenience, saying the "right" things...and then going back to HIS place...

You are overtly reading into, and sharing with him, your hopes and doubts and fears about the R, which is R talk... and that is NOT the DB approach you said you were doing, is it? What happened to a little mystery?

I mean, am I missing something?

[25yearsmlc]

I really think the reason my h and I worked out (other than Divine help)

was b/c I came to truly believe h was losing more than I was, that I would indeed be happy again.

Since I had no choice in this, h was leaving after all,

I would make the best of it.

Plus we had kids to consider and they needed me to be happy.

I wasn't present for them, fully, while in so much pain/anger. So yeah, I really thought,

"I can do this and it won't stink for me. Not for long anyhow!"...and I radiated the belief that I would really be fine,

(b/c I believed it!) -- and that shows through and h started believing it...

and wanting back in...with clarity. No guessing crap.

that's it for now...

[Timetotry]

25, no, I do not need alcohol at all. He would have a few or sometimes more down the shore but I was never a drinker and just 3 lite beers was way too much for me this weekend. Its as if he wants me to drink in thinking I need to loosen up more or something, I don't know. He knew when he met me I wasn't into that too but now it seems to bother him, I don't get it. I have fun without outside influences and yet he doesn't seem happy with that. Maybe because he likes to have a few because he needs it these days. I cannot let him control how I act or what I do.

I am telling myself I am better off and I do believe I would be if he wants a D if he remains like he is now. Just not there fully yet but I see definite points of it. I was telling myself this weekend your point of feeling bad for him like a BFF and was working for the most part.

He is just so confusing, doing things for me and then saying nasty things to throw me off. I just don't get it. I would think if someone wants out, why does he come around and do the things he does.

[~ kd ~]

Stand your ground, T3. Don't get caught into peer pressure. Whatever your reasons to not drink (and it does not sound like you're judgmental of people who do) you are entitled to NOT drink or drink minimally, if you choose.

I don't drink much, myself. When I do, it's usually sparingly. Very rarely do I go all out, and I always regret it the next morning (owwww, the pain). So I would stay the sober driver. It seems that somehow my decision to be that person, while at first was seen as responsibility, is now seen as being judgmental.

The question might be not why does your H want you to drink, so much as it might be what does your H seem to be looking for, behaviorally you, that you do when you have a drink or two? Does he seem to think you loosen up? Your inhibitions become lessened? Is there anything you can think of and can you be those behaviours without the alcohol?

Might be something to consider and do, so long as they are in keeping true to who you are...