The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[Eryam]

Wow - I wonder if S has some inkling of what his dad is up to. That is an interesting question for an older child to ask, right? Might be worth having a convo with your son (NOT about H), but just about cheating in general and what his thoughts were on the movie. He may be looking for some sort of moral guidance from you guys.

From personal experience, I think I picked up on my dad's A before anyone else did as a child. Children just have that sense IMO. It certainly didn't make his A hurt any less, and it's made a profound impact on me as an adult.

[AJM80]

dueinMay - I agree with you. Abbey might have a difficult convo if she asks her son if he wants to talk about the movie and he was trying to start something with his dad/bring things out in the open. Or he may have just been making conversation. Either way, it's a good chance to talk about relationships in general/life lesson sort of thing. My parents talked to me about some general guidelines for why they thought their relationship was so successful. I wish H's parents had talked to him when he was younger about some things...

[AJM80]

Abbey - I wish now I had told fewer people and shared fewer details still. BUT, I needed people to talk to. I did not tell anyone outside of family unless I thought 1) they'd keep mouth shut and 2) if H was not comfortable with them, I would be ok with not seeing them socially much if we reconciled. Because they will judge him and you. They love you and will have a much harder time forgiving him than you ever would. They'll prob question why you are staying with him and question his motives.

[abbey1989]

Wow - I wonder if S has some inkling of what his dad is up to. That is an interesting question for an older child to ask, right? Might be worth having a convo with your son (NOT about H), but just about cheating in general and what his thoughts were on the movie. He may be looking for some sort of moral guidance from you guys.

Hi AJ,

It was actually my daughter...she is pretty intuitive. A couple of weeks ago she and I were chatting in the jacuzzi and she asked "are you and dad going to get a divorce?". She knows H is gone for long periods of unaccounted for time on weekends. For example, this a.m. we are supposed to head to sons baseball game up north (at least an hour away), should be leaving in 10 minutes but wait...H decides to go the the "gym". Seriously? I'm sure he might actually go to the gym, but I'm also sure he is calling OW from his secret cell phone. He seemed frustrated this a.m. and I think it is because he is obligated to go see his son play and not rendezvous with OW. If we win the game today, there could be two games tomorrow....so he wouldn't be able to see her then either. I'm sure he is formulating his plan to "ESCAPE" at the earliest possible moment this weekend. He always does.

Hope we win today!

[abbey1989]

Thank you 25 and Starsky.

I very much appreciate different points of view! I know I need a kick in the pants from time to time. Sometimes this comes from folks on this forum and sometimes it come from my DB coach and sometimes I pull it from within.

I feel my personality has NOT served me well in many aspects of my life. I've aways been a bit of a shy, reserved person (at least outwardly... he he), happy NOT to be the center of attention - EVER. The biggest thing I ever did to work on that was to take a public speaking class last summer. THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I'VE EVER DONE. But I did it and passed with B. I know I can rise to any challenge!

My most important challenge obviously is with H and how to stay strong for me and my kids and to not let all of H's indiscretions poison my life. I have lost a few good years to the poison. The sad thing is...I think H really thinks he is pulling the wool over my eyes.

I struggle to take the high road. To not snoop when all I want to do is snoop. To not drive by OW jobsite to catch H there with her....you know. NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.

So, I thank you all for caring. Really!!!

xo, Abbey

[abbey1989]

Well...H made his escape about an hour ago. He is going to get fish and propane to bbq later.....should take about an hour tops. My guess...not home until 5. Just my best guess. Oh and he wore one of his nicer long sleeve button downs. Funny thing was...he put it on inside out! HA HA HA. I should have let him go out that way (most likely going to see OW) with it inside out (I had to laugh), but NO...I was nice and told him.

Spent some great time with daughter this afternoon and also on the phone with son. I sure do like them both as people (not just my kids).

I think I'm headed to see the ocean. It actually rained this a.m. (very unusual for Socal this time of year). Has turned into a beautiful day!

[abbey1989]

I don't know why Mondays are always so hard. I intuitively know that Mondays are definitely a day that H and OW meet up. Mondays are the "no underwear" days....he usually only did that when we would go out evenings. PLUS the last few Mondays LIKE CLOCKWORK, he calls me around 11:30am driving back from one jobsite headed to another, but on Mondays, he always calls me on my office phone (where I am a consultant) rather than my cell phone. I think it is to make sure that I am at work and perhaps not at school where OW works. At least that is my theory.

Trying to learn how to let go of some of my anger. Last night we were watching a show and Jesse James was being interviewed (notorious cheating husband of Sandra Bullock). I can't stand ANY CHEATERS! It is such a trigger for me. I told H to turn the channel....because the guy is a jerk. Feeling angry and unsettled for extended periods of time can't be healthy right?

I am wondering if we can actually survive his infidelity since he most likely will never admit it to me? I think it makes it easier for him, but for me there will always be lingering doubt.

Thanks for listening....Abbey

Song for the day: "Manic Monday" Bangles

[abbey1989]

H has a bday today. I laughed and thought I should give him a card with the lyrics to the song..."50 ways to leave your lover" only swap out 50 for 53 (his age today). "Slip out the back Jack....Make a new plan Stan...."

I crack myself up. Obviously won't do that! We both worked late today and had to cancel fun plans with friends....so just another day in paradise.....living the dream......

A.

[25yearsmlc]

Dang Abbey

You will go nuts this way!! how about a session with a DB coach? it's got to be cheaper than losing your sanity.

You don't have to be Maria Shriver...(God help her), you can confront but don't do it til you are ready to act.

So, just, call them!!

[abbey1989]

Hi 25,

Thank you as always. I have one more DB session left and since I just had one, am waiting for awhile.

H liked the bday gift that I gave him...something he has been wanting for awhile. We went for dinner on Friday night with D17 and her BF to celebrate. H has been super stressed out about work. He has been rather distant for the past week. I feel like I am living with my brother instead of my H.

He left on his motorcycle early Saturday a.m. up to the mountains. I knew his plan and he did call when he arrived so I wouldn't worry. I didn't quite know what to do with myself so I decided to be kind to myself and take care of ME. Took a long walk, Mani/pedi, massage, hair done, etc...went to an early dinner alone and rented movies. No one was home so I was kind of lonely. H did finally call around 6ish and I decided not to be here when he arrived. Went to the beach for an hour and then came home.

Today I saw that my bday card was the only one he put in the recycle bin. All of the rest of his cards he saved in his nightstand. That made me kind of sad.

So...on and on....

A.