Why do you have to live so far...from the comments it sounds like your party will be wild...some girls better be there to keep an eye on you boys and make sure that you play nice...LOL
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Glad to see you back on the boards Eric Missed hearing from you.
Im with Mila...why u gotta live so far away??? lol
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
MHL, PEI, Warrior, Punkin, CAT, Brooklyn, Mila, Kissak, Cadet – thank you for stopping by.
Punkin – Yes it will be a coed event.
warrior – May I ask how you know that grit does not…..?
Cat04 – Looking at my budget now and with a visit to my mom planned, not to mention some of the new legal issues that have surfaced, namely my L has blown 13K so far (so I now have 23.00 balance left), STBXW new request (I pay her legal fees, I assume all debt, etc.) I am not sure I will memorial day is doable. That said, I still plan to have an event at casa de Santos… We can discuss though….
MILA – I suspect Brooklyn will keep everyone in line. Trust me – she always puts me in my place.
Thank you all – I missed everyone. That said, I wanted to let everyone know exactly where I am or at least share my thoughts.
Over the past few months, my emotions have been all over the place.
I’ve had days that I still missed STBXW and days when I just hated her. I’ve have had days when the world looks so much brighter and days when I just want to die (and no - I am not suicidal). I’ve have days of PURE RAGE…..almost an uncontrollable RAGE.
FTR, I am still angry…but it is a different kind of anger. An anger more about MYSELF and the choices that I made in my life. An anger or a regret if you will, that I did not get to the place where I am at sooner.
Yes….many tried to help, yes…may poured their hearts and soul out to me – BUT I did not listen or as someone dear to me pointed out – I FORCED myself to get a place a bit too soon. Aside from the anger though….I also feel a sense of peace and gratefulness – so it is a weird feeling in a way. Angry one second and grateful the next.
As the days move forward….my anger does appear to be dissipating. It only comes now and then - usually when STBXW does something else that I did not expect, which is not much. I have come to expect nothing but pain from her BUT I do understand that this is because SHE is in pain.
I have to say that I thank God for the friends that I have. Friends that have helped me in sooooo many ways. Friends that 1) have not given up on me 2) always challenge me 3) help me formulate my thoughts and work through some of the feelings.
To these friends…Thank you.
I also have come to realize so much about myself and this process. I feel I have experienced so much….. Here are just some of my thoughts…
• Rage – it will come and come so unexpectedly…..with a force that sometime, even I am amazed at. I can still remember a few weeks ago…I was getting ready to move and while I was driving..I started beating on the steering wheel thinking of the legalities of all of this. Thinking to myself, how, why, this makes no sense.
• Victim mentality – How easy it is to fall into this trap. Whoa is me….she did me wrong….this MLC thing [censored]….Why am I going thru this…why did I allow her to do this….blah…blah…blah…I have come to realize JUST how much this train of thought can HOLD one back. It is only when I am able to sit back and remind myself that EVERYONE is entitled to feel the way that they feel, EVERYONE is entitled to live the life they want to live and more importantly…..EVERYONE get to the place that they need to get to WHEN THEY (not ME) decide to move in that direction.
• My role – For a long time….I carried around a ton of guilt…long time. Sometimes I still do. Ya know, I can now look back at this whole sitch with a different set of eyes. I played a role in this. As did STBXW…but really I can only look at my role. I can only fix ME. I think back on my first year here…I think back on the advice that was given…”focus on you”, “detach” – Man is it so true. I have learned that focusing on oneself IS the only and BEST thing you can do. You can fix your chit…we can albeit by words or ACTIONS fix our spouses. Detaching takes so much time and effort. I believe that when you finally do…things become so much clearer…it is such a hard step to take. WHY? Cause deep down inside we often, at least I know I did, feel that we can somehow control our spouses feelings, we think that somehow we can reverse the things that we did, we think that somehow if we just do this or that…our spouses will realize what they are missing. Nope. Maybe they will maybe they won’t. The control is not ours. I have learned that the control is a way of trying to avoid facing my fear. IF I control this or that…well then I know what the next steps are. Funny thing….life really does not work this way. The giving up of control (and man is that tough) is really the only way to have some level or peace.
• Understanding – Ya know, as much as I still harbor some level of frustration with my STBXW…I really do understand why she is they way that she is now. At a level that I have never felt before…I really feel for her. Now that I am no longer in the home..the time away has given me the opportunity to reflect on the year plus that I remained in the home. Did it help – did it hurt? I really do not know and actually no longer care. It really does not matter. I have accepted that it had to go the way that it did. You know one of things that I have been pondering lately….is NOW that I have done work on myself…just how often I can sit on my soap box and point out what is wrong with me STBXW. Ya know, I had the luxury of these boards…these people – my STBXW has not. She has had to find her own way….I can understand why she may not (maybe she is) want to look inside herself. I can understand how she can feel she did her best. I can understand so much. Do I agree with a lot of what she does and says – NO BUT I can understand it.
• Silver linings (nickel T) – I have learned how important it is to look at the positives in ones life. If you do not…well then you are missing out on life. My children….especially my little girl….IF/HAD this not happened…would I be the father that I am today? Honestly probably not. IF/HAD this not happened…would I be the man I am today? Probably not. So for me the silver lining really is about where I was and who I became because of this. So there is the positive in all of this.
• Looking inside oneself – I still do this…I still struggle with it sometimes. I think it never really ends. Words that still come to mind….things that I still work on – day in and day out.
o Being alone o Fear o The Player in me o Codependency o Overcompensating o Overindulgence
Man when you start to get real with yourself…sometime ya just do not like what ya see. The good news is…that anything can be changed IF I do the work. IF I continue to be brutally honest with myself.
• Dating while going thru this – all I can say on this topic is…..never start something when something else is still not done. Take the time for yourself. I can almost guarantee that if you are not totally healed, when you FIRST start feeling like you need someone. In most cases, someone WILL get HURT. It may not happen for a while but I believe it will.
I tried to give myself to someone else – only to realize after that I was still not ready. Only to realize that I jumped the gun, I wanted to USE this person to HELP me through this – It does not work! Unfortunately, ya get through this when you are supposed to get thru it. Is an OP needed for the LBS? In some ways I think so. Maybe is it just the way things work. My advice to anyone reading this…..I am not going to suggest NOT having an R….IF you do…please realize this – 1) your probably broken when you started this 2) the distraction will work for a period of time BUT at some point, the issues within yourself will surface 3) an OP helps to JUSTIFY and VALIDATE the feelings that your more than likely still have not dealt with – they are in most cases oblivious to what is really going on with you. My advice – stay alone….I am not saying not to have fun….nope – just be careful if you try to commit before you really are ready to. Personally, I think we tend to know this inside ourselves but it one of things we do not pay attention to.
• Acceptance – For the first time in a long time. I can say that I really will always love my STBXW. Do I love her now? After all of the crap that is going on (my legal sitch is brutal)? Yep. Why? 1) She did not f*ck this up by herself 2) my M was not all bad (that is her reality not mine and nothing she does will change that) 3) When you live in peace you want everyone else to live in peace 4) when you understand that your spouse is really batchit crazy and that really it is their internal pain that causes them to act the way they do – well then ya understand. 5) when you can finally step back, look past the anger, learn to understand that life really does just happen, in short chit happens…well then you can accept that things are they way they are. Note: acceptance does NOT mean you allow someone to kick you..allow someone to take advantage. Nope. I have more thoughts going on in my head but wanted to share these….this post is for ME.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
This does suckk in many ways. Too many, in my opinion. But, what an opportunity for growth we probably would not have had.
It is a ongoing thing, living life.
We can only hope that we learn, we grow, we change, we love. We take the lessons and apply them where we can.
Each day I strive to be the person I was meant to be. Some days I make it, some days I dont. But each day I try.
Eric, it is ok, the feelings you have. It means you are alive. It means you love deeply.
And always, always we must try to get to a place of peace. I truly feel we get there when we are really able to wish our spouses no harm, when we wish them happiness.
A very emotional and interesting weekend for me…..
I spent it at home cleaning and watching movies, with the exception of going out to an arcade with my friend and his daughters. The kids were with their mother and her sister this weekend so I did not get to see them. It was the first Saturday that I did not have at least one of them and although it was a nice break – I really miss them.
Emotionally, I seem to be experiencing a host of emotions. One minute I feel at peace, one minute I feel anxious and nervous, one minute I am angry, one minute I am sad at exactly where I am. One minute I feel compassion for my STBXW, one minute I want to strangle her. One minute I feel totally depressed, one minute I feel so pissed at myself. A true emotional rollercoaster ride!
The difference between now and post bomb (in 2009) is the feelings of peace that can come over me. I soooo wished they would last longer. I also NOW know that whatever happens I will indeed make it. The panic attacks….are quick to pass.
Anywhoo…..A good friend of mine ask me two questions that I thought I would respond to….
Question 1 - How you envision your life now?
My life RIGHT now is VERY different than it was just a few weeks ago – Allow me to get a little more specific. I envision in my life now as …..
1) I am finally, facing my deep rooted fears of being alone. For a long long time I have avoided facing this fear. Too long actually. For the first time in my life I am facing it head on and with a renewed focus. Ya know I finally realized how much I NEEDED the opposite sex as a distraction to help me avoid looking at the fear. Some of you know that I have dated quite a bit during this process and although I think some of it was needed, I would say that it stopped me from continuing the work on myself. So I have made a choice to stop…stop playing the field, just stop and deal with it. Being alone at least from an emotional connection to someone else perspective, has allowed me to really take a step back and realize just how big of a role I played in the demise of my M and really just how f’d up I was. It has also helped me to realize some of the positive that have come out of this nightmare. For one, I know myself much better now than at any other point in my life.
FTR, when I say I am realizing my role in the demise of the M, I am not swimming in guilt per se – just spending time realizing my role over the entire 18 year M. I am also spending time reflecting on the past 20 months, which has helped me to have a bit more compassion towards STBXW (though I still have bouts of rage and anger towards her). As I said in a previous post, often we do and I know I DID….some work and then stood on my soap box and point out how much work my MLC spouses needed to do….INSTEAD of taking my focus off of her and placing it on myself where I am/could make the changes needed. I have laundry list of things that I KNOW I still need to work on. The work will never stop and I have finally realized just how LONG it takes.
2) Trying to repair the R between my oldest son and myself. Right now we do not have one. none. As much I understand that he needs to process and feel his anger, it still hurts. Hurts like nothing I have felt. My son had made comments that 1) he will never ever come to my house again 2) that he has taken on the role of “man of the house” since dad left him 3) that HE is now responsible for his younger brother and sister.
Some of what he says I know is pure anger….normal – yes – hurtful – more than one can imagine unless you have lived it. I have tried to apply basic DB principals i.e. validation, detaching, etc. BUT man…it is hard. Some of this I assume is a normal behavior for a 17 year old – some I think is the result of the sitch. STBXW, does not help and I no longer expect her to, what I guess I expected early on (yes I know…I should have no expectations) was that she would stop making it worse or adding fuel to the fire. I have realized that what she says or does not say is outside of my control and the only thing I can do is be there for him, when and if he decided to finally take a step towards me. As much as I wish I could explain to whole thing to him, I know that he is NOT in a place where he would understand. I have accepted that he will (if he ever does) come to understand what happened when and if he is ready to.
3) I envision my life as a single parent. My kids are my highest priority and I need to continue to allow them the time and room that they need to heal. I have to put some of my needs on the back burner for now. My middle son has adapted very well to me being out of the house. As a matter of fact he just text me asking to come over cause he “misses me” (it is my STBXW day with the kids). The time I spend with them is great. My house is always full of kids and most if not all of their friends (at least the two younger ones) love to come over. I continue to be called “daddy” by oh…..about 15 kids. The other day I took my two youngest to the movie theater with 5 friends. One lady looked at me and said….”are these all of your kids”. I said No just these two. “did you bring all of these kids with you then” – My response – “yep – I always have a few with me” – Her response “WOW – I am not sure how ya do it”. It was a nice exchange and as I look back on my life…really shows me just how much of a parent I have become.
4) Right now, my life is also focused on the legal matters so for now, I need to focus on trying to address the numerous legal issues that have been raised by STBXW and her attny. Legally it is going to be a fairly painful process. My attny [censored] but at this point I really do not have the cash to change. I have a ton of motions that have been filed. As much as I tried (maybe a little too much…actually make that tried to control) to settle this nicely – it does not appear that it will go that route. I have finally realized that the only person that will be able to end this and explain to stbxw what the divorce details WILL be are her attny or a judge. Either way, the legal process has been an eye opener for me. I will say, that the damage caused by the process can seem overwhelming at times. So the short answer to the original questions is….my life is getting through the process right now.
5) I also envision my life right now as a rollercoaster. I understand that to some extent I can try and choose what feeling I focus on – it is so easier said then done. Pain, hurt, disappointment, anger, rager….All of these feeling will need to be processed. I do not want to come across as a downer – no – I KNOW that I will make it…but the reality is that these emotion must be dealt with.
6) Right now my life is also about trying to resurrect my career, while also continuing to keep my kids needs first. I have done a much better job. The balance between work and family life will is something that I think I am doing pretty good at.
Okay on to Question 2 – What goals do you have for YOU?
a. Continuing to be the best parent I can be (and FTR, I think I’m actually a much better parent now than at any other point in my life) but also finding the right balance. b. Healing first and foremost c. Keeping a roof over the kids and my head d. Getting through the divorce process so that custody and finances are finalized e. Coming up with a budget f. Getting through the next few months. g. Longer term goals…. i. Healing…. ii. Finding a true place of peace
Okay back to work…..
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
That is great news. Prayers do get answered. Eric, my friend, I know how much you wanted this.
As far as your oldest, I can only imagine how hurtful it must be for you.
Continue to try to remember where his anger is coming from.
Give him time and space. Use the db techniques you have learned. And keep reminding him that you love him and you are there for him. That's all you can do right now.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know that emotionally as well as mentally, you went through the wringer.
I suppose, if I was trying to point out the bright side to you, which I am, monetarily, your oldest will soon be of age and your support will go down. Hopefully some of the CC's will pay off, and as you progress, your income will increase. Not to say you don't have a tough row to hoe the next few years.
A little advice, if I may, from a Mom's POV:
You mentioned your D is trying to express her feelings. Encourage her, but don't push. And as far as the son who takes things in stride; I believe that is a defense mechanism. Don't take it for granted he is doing okay. My youngest uses the same defense towards her Dad, and she's 23. Your eldest, you are exactly right about. The eldest is usually the closest to Mom emotionally and has the hardest time. Do not fall into the trap ( as my XH did ) that as he grows older and matures, he will see it from your side. Keep trying, gently. Never let him be able to think that you 'abandoned' him. You may have to grow an Armadillo shell to counter all the rebuffs, but he will always know you were there, and trying.
Now we hold our breath as we wait for all the pieces to fall and settle into place in our new lives. I have not seen my settlement on paper either, so there may be more battles ahead. (Sigh)
