So I have the day off today! Girls day....taking a limo with 3 friends to do some wine tasting (friend won the trip in an auction). H's last words as he left..."have fun but don't drink too much wine". He knows wine is my nemesis. For me it is like a truth serum. I need to not chat with my friends about all of this stuff. Already blew it last month with one girlfriend and I'm hoping she didn't blab.
Song for the day: "Red Red Wine" UB40
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
I wouldn't advocate "blabbing" to a whole bunch of people either, but sometimes having the support and confidence of one or two of your best friends and/or family members can be a real Godsend.
Why are you trying to protect your husband from the consequences of his own behavior?
I don't know why I still want to protect him. Maybe because if it "gets out" I'll feel worse. More sad.....more embarrassed....more angry.
All I know is that once I spill the beans, I can't take it back. I learned that the first time we went through this when my D17 was then just a baby. I told my my two closest girlfriends at the time. I always felt on edge around those friends when H was around. Just uncomfortable.
H is working tomorrow (probably partly true and partly not). That is my new reality. I don't believe much of what is said.
I hope YOU have a nice weekend!
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Tonight is my last night of class. Since I found out about OW working at my college just after I started the semester, this has been one LONG agonizing class.
Had a nice Mother's Day. D17 made bfast and H gave me a nice card and some nice little gifts. He wrote "I LOVE YOU!" in the card. Later we all went to a movie "Something Borrowed". There was a whole cheating theme going on in the movie. D17 asked H after the movie which characters were "wrong" and "right" regarding the cheating. I think H was uncomfortable and he skirted the question.
I want to see more movies like this with him. HOLD A MIRROR UP TO HIM...you know?
Feeling a little stronger these last couple of days.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Wow - I wonder if S has some inkling of what his dad is up to. That is an interesting question for an older child to ask, right? Might be worth having a convo with your son (NOT about H), but just about cheating in general and what his thoughts were on the movie. He may be looking for some sort of moral guidance from you guys.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
I am not a fan of exposure (not saying not to confront the WAS, but telling 3rd parties has NEVER resulted in a reconciliation that I know of). Please read "facingdivorce"'s thread and how it backfired on him big time.
What is your LONG term goal? If it's reconciliation, then how does telling 3rd parties make that more likely? If you "injure" him socially, or professionally to "teach him a lesson", you will unite them, not divide them. And you'd be very surprised to learn how few outsiders will appreciate you sharing your pain with them. A lot of people resent being dragged into it and many of them see the LBSer as a whiner, nagger, somehow in the wrong. And that makes it all worse. WHEREAS when the truth comes out some other way and the LBSer has clean hands, it just makes them look more dignified. Like they're putting their children's needs ahead of their pain AND keeping a private matter, private. Once your h goes public with OW then that changes things. But for now...
If you take the high road then when the truth comes out you come out smelling like a rose. And the truth will come out, but don't let it come from you. It looks vindictive and nasty and confirms the reasons the WAS used to justify leaving in the first place. It's much worse for your kids to hear it from you when you come from a place of victimization.
As my DB coach said, "it's NOT OUR JOB to "teach them a lesson" or "show them the consequences of their behavior", b/c Life does that for them....
I am not saying you should cover or lie for the cheater, but there's a fine line between outing to punish, and simply being truthful. Look within your heart and see where your motives are coming from. A place of light and truth, or dark anger and pain...
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you. I do realize that I am in an endless loop. I am going to seek some outside help and do appreciate your words of wisedom.
Best, A.
Might want to start here:
Quote:
Plus we ML this a.m. (I was not the initiator).
At least maybe you'd get your self-respect back. A well-timed "I'm no longer comfortable with this, considering what you're doing. I'm your wife, not your booty call" might slap him at least partially back into reality.
Really, Abbey, you're worth so much more than this. Your husband won't begin respecting you until YOU do.
Starsky
Starsky, this is the most personal of decisions, and she has a DB coach. You've made your point, a lot. I don't happen to agree with you but since she has a DB coach AND a past involving this very issue, I figure this is something I don't need to comment upon. But since you do, often, I will say that Abbey knows about DBing and has resources and we are not able to judge what goes on in the dark between any two people. My guess, and it is just a guess, is that their ML going well, is one of the reasons her h is not sure what he wants. He is not acting like a man who KNOWS he wants a divorce. Abbey, that's not to say you should put up with this or for how long. I understand the nightmare this is for you and you have outdone most people on here in terms of handling things over time. But don't be bullied into doing, or not doing, what feels right to you. You said your DB coach is helpful and clarifying. Trust her.
(( Hugs ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Starsky, this is the most personal of decisions, and she has a DB coach. You've made your point, a lot. I don't happen to agree with you but since she has a DB coach AND a past involving this very issue, I figure this is something I don't need to comment upon. But since you do, often, I will say that Abbey knows about DBing and has resources and we are not able to judge what goes on in the dark between any two people.
And Abby has been stuck -- a lot -- in the same endless cycle, and I'm trying to help her, just as you are.
Are my opinions and advice any less valid than yours, 25?
Abby is free to accept or reject ANY of our advice, as always. If all she needs is the DB coach, then what's the purpose of the forum?
I will leave my views on exposure out of this, since they are not allowed anymore, but I will say this:
Quote:
I am not saying you should cover or lie for the cheater . . .
I completely agree. And Abby is going to have a tough decision to make if her D17 asks her point-blank, as to whether she lies to her or tells her the truth about what her father has been doing.
Here, took a recent post of mine where I was trying to help someone, and fixed it for you, 25:
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
Anyway....if anyone can take the time to read the following and give me feedback, I would appreciate it. Was she A) just playing with my mimd to be mean B) trying to cover up her newly open relationship that everyone other than me (including kids) knew about C)confused D) simply trying to keep BTM as an option
"b" and "d."
Look, this is a fruitless exercise, BTM. You're only going to drive yourself batty trying to analyze all of this. Put it all under the general heading of "people who are cheating, lie, nearly all of the time," and call it a day. What are YOU doing to work on YOU?
Make yourself the kind of man that ANY woman would be a fool to not want. If that turns out to be your wayward wife at some point, then great. And if not, you'll be the better man for it.
Hire a DB coach, and do what they tell you. Only they know best.
