Her sister had talked to me earlier in the day and said W called her last night. Said that W knew she lost D11 and even took the blame for it. She didn’t know what to do but said that she couldn’t get rid of the OM. Her sister told her she HAD to get rid of him for the sake of the girls but W wouldn’t listen.
SO, when I talked to W, I explained why D9 should be with me. I told her what her sister said (because W told her sister to call me) and W flipped out. She started screaming at me so I hung up.
She then screamed at her sister and said she never wants to talk to her again.
She felt comfortable enough to be open with her sister, now that's gone.
Bolt, I'm sort of scratching my head as to why "what her sister said" really needed to be repeated? You know what you know, and that should've been enough.
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Then she called me back, crying. Asking why I thought so little of her. I explained to her that I didn’t think little of her…I thought ZERO of her. I only thought of the kids. She should do the same. I said this very loudly and sternly. She ordered me to not yell at her and to call her when I was calmed down. She then hung up.
Still scratching my head.... this shouldn't have even happened. Why say this to her? The "zero" thing... what was the intent?
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POWER PLAY…didn’t work. I texted her and said I am no longer helping her. I said that this was her mess and she had to clean it up. I tried to help but I’m done.
Power play? I'm not really seeing a power play. I see a helluva lot of guilt driven anger from where I'm sittin.
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…the drama continues…
IMO, much of the drama this time was fueled by you.
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Hope that all made sense… I’m a little shaky right now.
Yes and no....
Look, I'm all for taking a strong stance regarding the children. I totally understand and agree with that.
I don't understand your interactions with her at this time. You're letting your emotions run the show, mainly your hurt. I think you can do better.
I agree with fisherman on the points he makes and I will try not to pile on......
Originally Posted By: Bolt
SO, when I talked to W, I explained why D9 should be with me. I told her what her sister said (because W told her sister to call me) and W flipped out. She started screaming at me so I hung up.
She then screamed at her sister and said she never wants to talk to her again.
1) One of the basic rules is that you should not talk with her family other than to coordinate visitation with the children or to let them know how the children are doing. If you find that you are talking to her friends, family, co-workers, etc. then your conversation is short and sweet.....
You are doing great.... The kids are doing the best they can... discuss the business at hand.... You gotta go b/c you are busy....
The impression you give is that Life is Good for you!!!!
(this is the fake it til you make it part)
The secret here is that Life will be Good for you and that "acting" like it is good is part of "making" it good.
2) Your wife could have started screaming at you no matter what......Right?
Sooo you did exactly what you were supposed to do....except tell her that "I can't communicate with you while you are screaming so I am hanging up now.....call me back when you are calm."
This is so powerful and it works as you saw......it just takes a little time. This is called a "boundary" and you just set it.
If you "scream at me"
then
I will hang up.....simple.
Now.....if she screams at you in the future and you do not hang up or worse you scream back.....then you lose.......get it?????
Do more of that and less of the other stuff.......and you will move along that learning curve.
Fisherman pretty much covered the rest so take a look at that......that is the work that we speak of.
As for the kids and custody and your W and the felon.....
If your W is willing to sign over custody of the kids then MOVE on that immediately, whatever it takes. Do this while she is HIGH on the R with the OM, that is what is driving her decisions right now. She will change her mind with the wind, be prepared.
Now a word of caution.....make sure that your motivations are in the right place with regards to this action.
You are protecting the kids and doing what is best for them right now. Do not use the custody of the kids as punishment for what she has done or is doing.
If your W questions the custody thing in the future keep the explaination more about the kids and NOT about what she did. In other words....."It is better for the girls to be together". That is a simple enough answer that will cover the decision.....if you start in on the fact that your W cheated and was with a felon and all that then you will come across as controling and trying to "rub it in her face".
Resisting the urge to "rub it in their face" is very hard to do.......I still struggle with it at times. I had to fight the urge yesterday in an hour long convo with my XW about our D14.
Hang in there Bolt....
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
