Spent morning relaxing (read "sleeping"). Still needed rest from move.
Visited with mom and gave her gift. Always nice. Will be nice hanging with folks for a while. Helps me ground.
Nothing from W. Not expected really. Just interesting about text from Saturday with no follow up text or email.
Went to city again to do more GAL. Got an awesome new wardrobe! No, seriously! I think I'm going to burn some of my older rags that I don't wear any more. I'll be having that "self made man" look. Sports jacket, snazzy shirts, loafers and jeans. What woman could resist?
D13 chatted me this afternoon while shopping. Had good conversation with her. Then D8 got on her phone and texted me. Got D8 set up with my new number. Also, set up next weekend with girls. It will be great. Miss them sooo much...
At one point, D13 mentions if I told W my new number. I said W could have it if she asked for it, of course. D13 said W didn't ask for it, but D13 had told W that I had a new phone. I just repeated that if W asked for new number, that she was welcome to have it.
Also set up "date" with Ds for my birthday on Wednesday. Have to confirm this with W, I guess. W had mentioned a few weeks ago that I could have Ds on my birthday. I should not assume and W needs to know when I'm picking Ds up. Gonna go to city for supper. Dad's treat. My gift will be having my Ds!
Got back this evening and started sorting through my stuff. That's going to be a bit of work and I'm going to give it great effort to purge. That was one of W's complaints. She called me a hoarder. I'm anything but a hoarder. I do like to keep "inventory" just in case and being frugal. But it's time to let my past go. Time for some new behaviours.
Starsky: Sorry, I always seem to miss your replies. Not sure where they go but I usually see them after reviewing later.
That's because I'm still on "full moderation" and my stuff gets posted 24-72 hours later. Just look upthread periodically, and if I've posted to you, it should be there.
Had a great day. Quite productive. I'm working for my old company (owned a business that I sold a couple years ago and retained a 30% interest in). It was fun. Enjoyed being out in my new attitude and look.
Got an email from W this afternoon. I ignored it at first, then figured I might as well read it and absorb it before I respond to it late tonight. I needed to talk to W about kids on Wednesday and weekend, anyhow.
This is what W sent:
"Subject: Hey
So - haven't heard from you all weekend..... wondering how you make out? X-landlord was there all day yesterday, cutting lawn, etc. There's a big red car out front (overnight) and a blue van was there last night .... was that you?
I'm sure you are not in good space right now. I want you to know, for what it's worth, I am sad that this all unfolded this way. I really thought this would have worked out differently. I still can't believe X-landlord pulled the plug.
When you're ready, send me a message so we can talk about a couple of things coming up for the kids. We need to make arrangements on when they are with you, and I am aware that you were texting D8 asking her about this coming up weekend (she got me to help answer one of your texts). I think you and I should be having these discussions directly, not through the kids. While you've made it clear that you don't want to talk to me, I've been reviewing our "for the sake of the kids" stuff and need to remember that we have an obligation to keep the lines of communication between us open when it comes to them.
I think D13 told me that you are going to be picking up the kids on Wednesday and taking them to the city for the evening? Can you just confirm with me that this is true? Would you be inviting FS16 to come with you? It's OK if that answer is no, but if you could just let me know so I can make other arrangements for him. (Your sister and I have theatre tickets - last ones ever - on Wednesday.
Like I said, when you are up to it, let me know and we can go through the calendar for May and schedule where the kids will be. I'm working on the Parenting Plan right now, and once it's all done and you have yours done, we can sit down and go through them.
s"
Between this board and me, I have a few things to say about the email that I need to think about if / how I respond to specific items.
First: Not that it matters in any way, but it was not me at the X-landlord's property.
Second: She thinks I don't want to talk to her. Guess that's what going dark does. So now somehow I'm a bad guy because I don't want to talk to her? How could I ever respond to that? Is that bait?
Third: I'm dark. So now she beats me to the punch to discuss visits with kids this week. So now I look like I'm holding out on her, making me the bad guy, yet again. Of course, my intentions were to send W a message about kids tonight. But now my response will simply appear as though I am responding because I'm "busted". Damned if I do, damned if I don't indicate that I was going to talk to her about kids tonight.
Fourth: Nice of her to finally realize that the kids are not messengers and that WE need to make arrangements regarding kids between ourselves. Of course, I only wanted to give the kids a heads up and make sure they didn't have any other plans. I think that's all I will say to W when I send email tonight about plans with kids.
Fifth: FS16??? Geesus, really!!! I mean I really like the kid, but she's the one who actually fostered him. As far as I know, I'm no longer on the foster order. And she's the one that's getting money for fostering. I've never seen a red cent (which of course is not what it's all about, but I digress) and so how much of a parent am I really, to him? I'm stuck, because I'd love to take him. Like I said, he's a great kid... but I'm building a relationship with him because... because she needs support because she's going to a play that night...? What's the "right" thing...???
Sixth: Don't even get me started on a parenting plan. That would suggest that we're "co-parenting" and we aren't talking about full care and custody by either parent with visitation to the other. Of course, a little bird told me that W is planning a trip to Cancun this winter, planning to take the kids and FS16 with. Those are words that apparently FS16 has been telling his friends in school. So I'm going to know... when???
I'm good. Just venting. I'll do up a separate email and just speak to the original points that I was going to say. Although I will have to indicate that I was making sure that the kids didn't have any other plans before I brought it up with W. And will have to think about what to do with FS16. He IS part of the (her) family and I guess if there was ever to be R, I would need to be his foster parent. If I were becoming involved with someone who had kids, I would need to be a responsible father figure in the life of her kids, even though nothing may ever come of it... *sigh*
Kaffe, settle down. From an outside perspective, her email sounds totally reasonable.
You don’t need to respond at all regarding the vehicles out front, just simply address her questions regarding your children.
Don’t defend yourself!
Just respond politely and directly.
Don’t obsess on what she is thinking. How she is wrong and you are right. Forget all of it.
If you want to take FS16 do, if not don’t. Don’t defend your choice, simply state your choice.
Don’t tell her how great you are doing, or respond to her statement about “not being in a good space right now.” Show her you are fine by the tone and professionalism of your reply. If you defend yourself, or accuse her, all you will do is validate this feeling she has.
And remember, “dark” does not mean avoiding necessary conversations about your children.
You are focusing WAY too much on her. Dropped the rope? How do you define this?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Honestly, I don't think that I obsess about what she's thinking. I only verbally reacted here, when I read the email. I'm still reacting... But at least I'm not responding immediately. (Old dogs CAN learn new tricks) Rather I'm giving it some thought... getting opinions and 2x4s here... I'm not reacting with any real feeling of emotion. I didn't get that "ugly feeling in my gut", thing...
Like I mentioned, I was going to send W a message about kids today anyhow. So yes, no big deal. She asked first so I will strictly respond to that. I will be clear, concise, and to the points regarding the kids and FS16... I guess I can take him... no harm... it would be similar to if the Ds were older... MUCH older... and had a boyfriend... but was NOT KISSING or ANYTHING said boyfriend... I might take them along...
And if I rationalize that. I'm not doing it as a favour to W, but rather because I like the kid. Just a bit of a pressure feeling, like one gets when someone invites themselves to a party... *shrug* I don't want him to feel left out. He IS part of the family. I know how I felt when he opened Xmas gifts early this past, and I wasn't invited. Not by him, but not invited by W. Yet he had bought me an Xmas gift. I DO treat him like a S, otherwise.
I WILL be pleasant / cheerful in the response. Not because I'm pretending, but the answers are not that difficult nor upsetting to answer. I will NOT be cold and distant nor overtly professional.
Dropped the rope...? I thought I did. Think I have... Like I said, just having a verbal thought process on this board. "Dropped the Rope:" I do not have any interest in any other R with W other than relating to kids or D. I'm moving on. I am actually quite enjoying my life right now. I feel she's more of a fire aunt that got into my shoe and bit me and I'm just trying to find the sucker and get it out of my shoe... lol
OK, just re-read my post. I get it. I did go through the whole, point by point, must think about and respond, blah, blah...
Honestly... I had probably forgotten it ten minutes after I typed it. It was a knee jerk reaction and verbalization here only. I will work on detaching that so I stop reacting. Still so much to work on, there.
Why am I so angry yet? I need to figure that out maybe. In the mean time, figuring out why isn't doing something positive for me.
In the mean time, figuring out why isn't doing something positive for me.
Yes it is!!!!
Remember the quote "forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves"
This is for YOU.
Putting the buffer in before you respond to her email is a GREAT step. Get yourself straight before you respond. BUT, if you continue to harbor this anger, what happens when you're F2F?
Get past it. Forgive. It is for YOU.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I wanted to check on the kids and whether they had plans or were available.
So Wednesday, I would hope I could come get them around 4pm and I'd bring them back by 9pm, since it's a school night. As far as FS16... sure, he's welcome to come along. Unfortunately he won't be able to have (his favorite food)... :-)
As far as the weekend goes, I know we have to work this out yet, but I was hoping that since I wasn't able to see them this past weekend, that I could have them Friday to Sunday. Then D8 mentioned there was no school on Monday but she also mentioned that birthday party. If it would be alright, I would like to have them until Monday. I could pick D8 up after her b-day party on Saturday.
So if that would be OK with you, that would be fantastic!
I guess part of this is ultimately about "figuring it out." Certainly, I could just move forward, but then... what have I learned? And what would stop me from doing more of the same in a new R.
So fair enough. I will do some digging. I have already thought a bit about this and I guess a huge part of my anger stems around the kids and her initial refusal to give me fair access. It began with her initial threats of taking me to court if I wanted to have more access to them than what W alloted at any given time. That was HUGE pain for me...
