Walking in Muskeg III

[Queen_of_Swords]

Grace I have been on antidepressants and yeah I have considered taking them again, the side effects deter me.
As I said I know why I think like that and what the driver is, that helps to defuse it some.
I won't deny though I feel these things. Better to let it out than leave it inside to fester and grow.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Maybe I'm crazy. I said something to a friend today that sort of was something I'm thinking is true, and perhaps it is time for me to call it quits on our marriage from my end.

I think I get it now. From H's perspective we/I are not worth his energy or time to pay attention to and if we are, it's only on his terms.
He chooses other pursuits, distractions and/or addictive behaviour over his children and over me.
I don't know that he has the will or desire to change this behaviour. After this long a separation it appears not.

It's pretty sad to realise we were and still are worth so little in his eyes.

[punkin]

Scylla,

I understand everything your are saying, but I believe you are Speaking from a state of anger. We've all been there; multiple times. Been to it's major attraction, Disgust.

If I've learned anything over the past year, it's that the things the MLC'r most blames you for, is the only way he has of blaming himself. I don't know if I said that well. It's childish, it's inexcusable, it's tawdry at best. I keep reminding myself that someone has to be the adult in this situation, and it appears to be my job.

All this to say, don't let anger be your motivation in any movement on your part. It's not the best move for you if you are not thinking clearly.

Yes, it's sad that they choose selfish pursuits over their families, but they are the ones who will pay the price for that. Don't give him the excuse, but SHE D'd me.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I understand you believe I'm speaking out of anger. Really I'm not. I am speaking out of a deeply sad sense of acceptance.
In a way, I'm no longer afraid of Divorce. Why should I be?
Yes it will change my finanical sitatuion for the worse. Yes it means I will be a full time parent on my own with no relief or help (been that way for a long time now).

He doesn't love me...fine.
He doesn't wish to be with me...fine.
He cannot or will not accept me for the person I truly am...fine, not everyone can or will.
He can't and won't choose to love me or do the best thing for our family...fine.
He won't address his own issues...fine.

It all hurts but...fine.
I can't make him do any of those things.

I also cannot be held to this marriage by a misplaced sense of loyalty any longer, a loyalty that is not reciprocal. A loyalty that's undeserved. A loyalty I use against myself to keep me tied to a man who really can not or will not choose love.

If he wants to point the finger at me for allowing the Divorce to become a fact...so what? I was blamed for the demise of our marriage from the get go. Him pointing the finger at me would just be more of the same.

From his perspecitve it's all my fault anyway, no matter what I did or did not do, or do or do not do.
I cannot change his mind. I can not make him see. I can not make him feel.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Nothing new to report that isn't in this thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...319#Post2148319

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update- The weekend.
H. had kids from ate Thursday afternnon to Sunday afternoon.
He had arranged a meeting with me and our kids for Saturday morning discussing some things behaviourally and strategies to deal with that from the school pyschologist. It lasted about an hour.
I did my own thing otherwise and was very busy, and out most of the weekend with friends and family except for Saturday night when I took the opportunity for "me" beauty care.
Late Sunday afternoon he dropped them off.
Couple of interesting developments.

He did not accept or even acknowledge my brunch invitation for Sunday morning, and I did not mention or ask him about it and simply carried on and made alternate arrangements.
He didn't knock or ring the bell this time and simply walked in after the kids on Sunday afternoon.
He came in on his own and sat beside me on the sofa.
<raise eyebrows in mild suprise here>
He invited himself over for next Saturday.
<and here>

[Queen_of_Swords]

Venting -

Last time H. was here dropping off the kids, I had this weird sensation. It was like I was looking at him with new eyes, and wondered who the heck he was and what the heck did I ever see in him. If I had passed him on the street, I wouldn't have looked twice at him.
That awareness/feeling has not left.

In addition, I know now, I want more than what I had in what was our M. Way more. I won't ever be last on the priority list again, and I won't put myself last on my own list anymore either.

Fat lot of good it did to deny my own needs/wants in lieu of everyone else's, especially H's.
I could be deathly ill and needing help, and he had no empathy for me, he really never has. If I hurt, it barely rated his attention.

I want someone that's absolutely nuts about me, a protector, ally, a lover and friend.

H.gave his best to everyone but our family, we got the dregs.

I deserve better treatment than what I'm got and what I'm getting.

I'm coming to realise, I determine that.

[punkin]

Ditto, Scylla, Ditto. But you are riding a high on the coaster that comes just before another big dip. Just be prepared, and perhaps you won't drop so far the next time. As time passes, those drops become less and less heart pounding.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ditto, Scylla, Ditto. But you are riding a high on the coaster that comes just before another big dip. Just be prepared, and perhaps you won't drop so far the next time. As time passes, those drops become less and less heart pounding.

Actually I'm not feeling "high" on the coaster as you put it. In the past I did feel good and empowered.
I don't feel good about this. Just a sense of really knowing what I want/need and a coldness inside.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update -Venting - Journaling

The feelings continue. I'm seriously now considering filing for Divorce on my own.

I'm tired of the B.S., loneliness and carrying the bag.
We have no relationship worth nurturing. He's my kids' Dad and it appears as far as he's concerned I'm just their Mother and any thing of significance that led to us occupying those roles is dead, buried and he's busy piling on more dirt over the grave.

This morning at 6AM H. texted me to inform me he transferred C.S money, but the joint account he has access to was in overdraft by a significant amount.
I interpret his lack of commentary and or anything else that it's my problem. Too bad Xwife, suck it up.

Friend observed how he interacts with me. Keeps his distance, essentially ignores me, doesn't wait up for me, doesn't walk with me. I'm alone even if he's nearby. It's that obvious.