Good for you getting that crib together. I bet it's beautiful. I am sorry you are having so much anxiety, I suffer from it daily and I know how hard it can be to manage. Add a disturbing nightmare into the mix and for me, it makes getting out of bed almost impossible.
Please, please take care of yourself. You need to take it easy for you and for your precious baby girl. Put your feet up. Light some candles, listen to some soothing music.
You are so strong.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I know you don't want to be on your own. I don't either!
But you won't be.
Setting up the crib must have been hard. It's the weekend now, and maybe before H gets home and since you're getting close to delivering, you can just do a little bit of nothing here and there - watch a movie, kick your feet up, have a friend over while you rest on the couch to keep you company. Just keep is simple, and easy, and try to send some positive vibes to H. It's the hardest thing to do in times like this, but it does help you soften... (I've tried this so many times, and it is so hard, but it helps me not walk around feeling anxious/angry/exhausted...as much as I am when I keep obsessively thinking about him/wrongs, etc.)
At some point if this marriage is going to work, I'm going to have to know everything. I'd rather know the facts because I'm most likely making it worse in my head. I will continue to torture myself until I know the truth.
But the question is, at what point will I have enough leverage to ask for the truth and complete transparency? It will have to happen eventually.
I suppose the first step is for him to want to be in this M. And even then, I don't know when to address that with him. When he left, he seemed to be moving towards that direction. He asked about the baby again yesterday. And the house. Which seemed somewhat random. I wonder if he wants to ask about me, but this is his indirect way of doing it? I don't know.
What are other signs that will let me know when I can ask for everything? What are signs that he will be ready to talk about our R?
I plan on readdressing MC with him later this week. I don't know at what point, but I'm guessing it will come about when I find an opportunity in what is occurring in natural conversation.
If he's all weird again like he was the last time he came home, I don't know if I'll be able to contain my rage. I knew he messed up last time (just in that he had lied to me about where he had been, not so much in what he had done per se). But I will know if he's guilty.
Is there a way you can try to snip this cord so to speak to him for a couple months? Perhaps you can just immerse yourself in the pregnancy. The delivery, the newbornness, and the month or so that follows just long enough to get you through this. Deal with the rest later. Shelve it. I know that's so much easier said than done. But having a kid actually taught me how to shelve things just a little bit better. Not HUGE things like this, but ... I just wish for you some enjoyment of this time. Don't let him take it. He is confused and has no idea what he's in for. Forget an affair. Forget an other woman. Forget his confusion, his trips, his potential lies. Just grab hold of some higher version of your husband - some part of him that you knew and loved and hold on to that right now while you brace yourself for a really huge transformation. See if you can do that so you can enjoy this and be in the present. You can be in touch with that right now even if he can't.
You can follow this and really just follow it blissfully but do it without him. He may get drawn in a little. "I'm really feeling myself prepare for the baby." Say it. If he can't handle it, he won't. Nothing you say or do can stop this baby from coming now. You can't protect him from that any longer. She's coming whether he likes it or not. Go inward, and just connect with your inner self. Your bliss. Your knowing. Your place of love and fearlessness.
If anything, you will have a full experience. If anything else, your husband may be drawn in through your strength and your confidence. But have no attachment to that. Just take care of you.
I feel like virtually holding your hand right now.
You are on the right track and you're doing great.
Honestly, I think some day, regardless if you two stay together or not, he will regret how he handled himself during your pregnancy. This is the time when he should be supporting you and being there for you. You don't need all this extra stress.
Do you think you'll end up resenting him for his childish behavior?
I am about 90% positive that he is going to fall in love with this baby once he sees her and really feel like an a$$.
You ARE doing great.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Thank you Lila and DG for being so supportive of me. Lila, I don't know why it's been so hard to detach this weekend. I mean, like I had said earlier, it's not like he's more in California this weekend than he was on Monday, but it just hit me extra hard. I did, however, have fun finishing the nursery (as much as I can for now anyhow). I still have a few decorating things to do, and few more essential items to purchase, but for the most part it's ready for her. I'm packing my hospital bag tomorrow, and the diaper bag is good to go.
DG, I think he already feels like an a$$. I think this is part of the reason he's especially distant. He knows he's messing up, big time, but rather than deal with it, he's continuing to run away (a common theme in how he deals with personal conflict). I certainly hope that he will fall in love with her the moment he sees her (that seems to be how it works for most reticent fathers from what I've heard). I think that will be another battle to deal with when she comes: the guilt he will feel (and most likely accompanying depression) when he realizes the impact of his actions.
All this being said, I have to take better care of myself. I thought I was doing pretty well, but in church today I could not stand at all through the service, and I had to drop out of the anthem before the last page. I immediately exited and threw up. I did not black out, but came pretty darn close. I called my doctor, and they think I'm just very, very dehydrated. Lots of water and Gatorade and a 3 hour nap later, I was MUCH better. Sinus infection + 36 weeks preggers + crying all the time = extreme dehydration. I've been ordered to "take it easy". My type A personality does not do well with this medical advice.
I see my doc tomorrow for my checkup. I'll be going weekly from here on out. I'm in good hands, I promise.
On a R note, H decided to IM me today asking about my choir. This is the first time since he dropped the bomb that he's asked about something I'm doing for me as the opening to a conversation. So for those keeping count for this week, that's 3 times asking about the baby, 2 times asking about something very neutral, and 1 time asking about something specifically related to just me. Let's hope he actually comes home tomorrow night and doesn't change his flight...
You know, I wasn't a reticent father at all--we had tried to get pregnant for a couple of years with no results, had kind of let it go, and then it just happened, and I was excited about it.
HOWEVER.
However, I realized when my son was born that I hadn't felt it the way she did. The chemicals coursing through her, the feelings she got especially when he began to stir and move, I didn't *really* share in all that. I loved her, and I wanted the baby, but not in the same way or for the same reason as she did.
Once he was born and I could experience him more like the way she does, I became a LOT more emotional about the whole thing. He's four now, but still . . . it's not just in matters that directly involve the child, either. I began to cry at sad songs and movies (not the kind of sad songs and movies that make her cry--usually some dirge about lonely but rugged men sacrificing themselves for duty--MANLY tears, dammit!) I realized after he was born that I had thought I understood her emotions (hey, I wanted a baby too! I was excited too, right?) but it was a case of not knowing what I didn't know. I hadn't understood that this level of emotional tie was possible.
(I know my signature says I have 14-year-old twins. We do, but we adopted them at 6 years of age. We used to tell people we "skipped the diapers" but I think we skipped some other things, too.)
Thank you for that insight, Bear. It's nice to get a man's perspective in all of this. It's very perplexing to me. I feel like my father somewhat prepared me for this in that he told me how uninterested he was in me until he held me for the first time, but I know that he didn't have the accompanying marital BS at that point in time....
So today has been interesting. At 6 AM Cali time, he texts me and asks if I want to pick him up from the airport. To which I said, "well, I would, but you drove yourself...." I guess he forgot about that tidbit (he rarely drives himself)? I then also realized that this meant his car was parked out in the open for the nasty hail storm we had earlier this week and told him about that. He was completely unaware we had such weather.
Then a few hours later (I guess when his work day was really started), he texted again saying:
H: "Just found out team is changing... merging with another team" Me: "What does that mean?" H: "Diff responsibilities now" Me: "More travel?" H: "No. Just diff jobs. There's an opening for team lead" Me: "Do they want you to take it?" H: "I'm going to ask about it. I could try to meet face to face w Boss's Boss about it but she's not available today...." Me: "Would OW still be your partner?" H: "If I got that job? No, I'd be lead but 'over' 4 other people." Me: "Is she still going to be your partner in the merger if you don't get that position" H: "Yeah, but there are other openings. I'm going to ask about those too" Me: "Are they all based in our state?" H: "I think in both. Depends where the person is. Should I try?" Me: "Idk. What do you want?" H: "I'd like to. Don't matter where it'd be. But I'd like to talk w the big people here first." Me: "Yeah that makes sense. I'm guessing you'd be a good candidate with your work ethic and recent govt clearance" H: "Yeah. Should I stay or leave today and talk via email" Me: "I think you should come home because I'm so close to the end. If I weren't due any day, I'd tell you to stay"
I then go on to tell him about what happened at church yesterday. He seemed very concerned. He said he wanted to know what the doctor said at my appointment this afternoon before he made his decision on the flight. The doctor said she's perfect and I just need to keep taking it easy and hydrate. When I relay this message to H, he says:
H: "Oh good. I'll set up meeting for tomorrow and flight Thurs morning. That way I can teach a class Wed. That going to be ok?" Me: "I can't help but think you just want to be out there longer to stay away." H: "If that's the case then I'd stay thru Satruday, not leave Thurs" Me: "What about coming back after your class on Wed?" H: "I can if I find a good price" Me: "Ok" H: "But I'd get in at midnightish???" Me: "Well, I guess it's your call for comfort. Would you rather spend more money for another night in hotel and come back Thurs morn or save the money but drive home late Wed." H: "Ahh, good point"
He never actually makes a decision on this (or at least he never tells me). But a few hours later he asks if I'm willing to go over to his parents house for Easter Sunday and then asks if he can put the crib together on Saturday. I say:
"Easter might be a little late due to singing at church but we can go as soon as I'm done. I put the crib together already. Her room is pretty much finished except for a few things I can't afford right now."
And that's the last we've talked for tonight. Although I'm sure there will be more. I emailed him earlier this evening because when I came home my brother was here (he was supposed to be at work). He was fired today. Apparently he slept in past when he was supposed to show, and was fired. He had also missed work on Wednesday because he was sick and did not call in then either. Brilliant. But at least he agreed to stay with me until H comes back, and he said he would do work around the house for me in the next two days whenever he's not looking for a new job. So I let H know the situation on that.
I am personally exhausted. While I had a really good day at work, and what seems to be a really good convo throughout the day with H, I'm just really hitting a wall physically. I still have so much to do. At least Brother can help out a little more in the upcoming days.
I just need more hours in the day. Or more energy. Or both.
I think I missed the post about OW. This is someone he works with? You refer to her normally to him? But you suspect an A? Sorry, I don't remember reading about that...
Anyway, sounds like a good convo and like a lot of connection there - much more so than what's been there in the past.
Oh shoot. Sorry. I just went back and read your original post. So does he know you know about the OW and that you found the emails? He's aware that you are aware of her?
