Keeping the Faith

[dolphin_05]

Update from Cas:
H worked until 7.30 pm last night. We had no contact since dinner the night before. He phoned D and reminded her of an interview on tv. That must have been as he left work. About an hour later he text me to ask after D (She has been overwhelmed with her workload lately). I replied that she was fine and was obviously feeling good as she had just finished a major assessment task. His next text was How was your day?. That was my big breakthrough for Sunday!!

Two other little points from last week: 1. H let me use his computer in his office to search the library database while he went away to get on with cooking dinner. 2. H left D and I in his house while he went to the store the other night. I even offered to go for him. These are just little steps but think they show he is developing trust.

[courageous wife]

All positives! Yeah!

[dolphin_05]

I'm sorry I can't acknowledge this properly but I thought it was a very powerful reminder for not only those who are DBing but anyone who is patiently attempting to promote change.

"Do you know what happens after you plant the seed of a Chinese Bamboo Tree? Nothing. That's right. Absolutely nothing. For 4 years after planting the seed of this tree you get no satisfaction other than a tiny shoot coming out of a bulb. Must be something wrong, right? A still birth or stunted growth. A bad
seed maybe. If you didn't know about the growth patterns for this tree, you'd think that all your efforts to
plant and cultivate were useless. But, in fact, what's happening all the time is that underneath the ground there's a massive root structure that's forming. You can't see it, but it's there and it's HUGE. Then, in the 5th year, the Chinese Bamboo Tree grows and grows and grows, sometimes up to EIGHTY FEET tall!

Marriages sometimes grow like Chinese Bamboo Trees. You try and try doing kindnesses, giving gifts, being gentle, sharing a joke, but sometimes it takes months, even years before you SEE the growth. But all the while you're making deposits into a secret account that all of a sudden (that's the way it seems, but, in fact, my point is that it's not all of sudden) begins paying dividends.

It takes maturity to be patient. And it takes maturity to be willing to give your spouse the time they need to grow and to see that time as an opportunity for you to grow too.

There's a women who has been asking her husband to join her at the dinner table for SIX MONTHS. And for 6 months he's been rejecting her as he takes his dinner into the family room to eat in front of the TV. He was punishing her. He was angry. For 6 months she took the rejection. Everyday for 6 months she asked him to come to dinner and everyday he said "No." One day, unannounced, and for no apparent reason, he said to her while she was fixing dinner in the kitchen, "Can I join you at the table tonight?"
"Yes," she said, and turned away to wipe her tears. Did she deserve 6 months of the silent treatment?
No one does no matter what the reason. But don't let anyone tell you to give up. It's NEVER too late. Things change. People change."

[beatrice]

I also think that your h is doing transference of his feelings onto you. Because at some leve he knows he is the betrayer, he is transferring his negative feelings to you.

As I think I have posted, my h blamed me for the failure of his r with OW, because I didn't stop loving him, and she found this too threatening. They still have a relationship but apparently it isn't the same! [Or wasn't when we last spoke 9 months ago]

They love to play the martyr to justify their horrible behaviour.

What I find worrying is their total failure to emotionally change and develop. Like you, my xh has been in full MLC for almost 6 years [with what I now see were clear signs for another 2-3 years]. I know MLC is said to take a long time but some of them seem to get very stuck

[dolphin_05]

And my positive for last night.... H initiated a skype convo, again using d as the lead in but the next question was "How did the shopping go? Did you buy the new outfit?" (so he was listening when I told him that earlier)

And no, I didn't get the new outfit. Why is it when you want to splurge you really can't find anything you like?

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

YEAH!!!!!!!!! Your H continues to be attentive.

Keep updating us please. It is SO good to hear good news. Even if H makes little wobbles or mini-steps backward he has made HUGE progress forward in the last 4 weeks. Keep reminding him of the woman/girl he fell in love with.

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Thanks GAG. It seems so insignificant and silly to post such trivia but I know that these tiny little steps add up along the way. I love it when others can see and acknowledge the positives, too. It sure is a slow process!!

Today I sent H an email and asked him if he could collect D Friday as I have been invited to dinner with a friend. He replied straight away to say he could help out. YAY! So looking forward to dinner and catching up with my gf who I haven't seen since my birthday.

Will H make contact tonight? I'm thinking that if he hasn't sent me a message by 9:00pm I will message him. I want him to see that I am happy to initiate conversation, too and that I won't leave him to do all the work. (Surely, he can't ask after D yet again!!!)

[Sanderika]

Hi Ladies,

I have been thinking about you all and wanted to tell you so.

I hope you and your families are getting along fine.

I have come here everyday and read your posts and have decided that I have nothing to add right now that can be considered useful.

I have not had anything remotely hopeful happen here.

I have had no real contact with H in two weeks. Son, on the other hand, spent the entire last two weekends with his father. Something of great interest to me is that while son was with H at our shop during both weekends OW was there too on the Sundays. Son has never met OW. I find it of huge interest that now H is putting them in the same proximity to one another. I can tell you all that it does not sit well with me, I am not going to raise a stink though, it is now out of my control. Due to their activities, we did have minimal contact. I will not contact him at all and will not bring up making another counseling appointment.

I have decided that I need to let go of H completely as he is unable to forgive me for my depression which happened over 7 years ago now. He is holding a grudge and blames me for everything that happened. He is unwilling to try and seems more like this is revenge against me. I have had enough. I do not deserve such hateful, hurtful treatment.

I am going to stop working at reconciling the marriage. It now seems such a moot point. I am not going to call it back into court just yet. I need to heal from the words spoken to me at the counseling session, I am quite tearful and fragile and I need to regain some strength to move on. I am doing just ok with working on me, I have not really had a good day in two weeks now. I am not really able to see past the hurtful words for some reason.

My H is not the person I knew or even close to the one I thought could still resurface. He is someone I now feel very sorry for. I wish he could see the forest through the trees. He needs to do the work on himself to be worthy once again, unfortunately he isn't willing and it's because he does not accept any responsibility. He wants to stay stuck blaming me. He can keep right on keeping on...I will not be his punching bag any longer.

It seems strange to say but I am beginning to
think ALL men as shallow, selfish, greedy and needy. I don't have the desire for such nonsense nor another relationship. I put an immeasurable amount of work into saving this one and I have nothing left to give. I am going to save what's left of my heart for my son and myself and my friends.

I am looking for something that I can believe in once again. With time I will find a good fit for me. I have decided to lay my entire life at God's feet and simply....Let Go and Let God.

I wish every one of you the best from my heart with warm (((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were. I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about your current situation. I can understand in a very small way how you must be feeling now. You DB'ed with all of your heart, soul, and mind. You loved your H many times over what should have made up for the emotional distance that occurred during your depression. I really can't comprehend what prevents some MLCers from accepting that life has ups and downs and that we LBSs are human and imperfect, just as they are. Clearly, your H is very drawn to you, as confirmed by what he said during your MC session.

Sanderika, you are an incredibly generous and loving person. You have helped many of us here immeasurably. I pray that you turn that love on yourself right now. Please love yourself and be gentle with yourself. Accept love and kindness from others and from the universe.

I have decided that I need to let go of H completely as he is unable to forgive me for my depression which happened over 7 years ago now...........I do not deserve such hateful, hurtful treatment.

I agree with you on this. Only you can decide when enough is enough. You have done many times more than the majority of DB'ers are able to do. I am sorry, but at the same time glad to hear the anger in your words. That will give you strength to do what you need to do right now.............You can deal with the other feelings that will come in the future when they come............Right now I think it will be best to live each day as it comes.

It seems strange to say but I am beginning to
think ALL men as shallow, selfish, greedy and needy. I don't have the desire for such nonsense nor another relationship. I put an immeasurable amount of work into saving this one and I have nothing left to give. I am going to save what's left of my heart for my son and myself and my friends.

I'm glad you are able to write your thoughts here. Please continue to do so. Those thoughts can't hold you captive if you let them out.

I am looking for something that I can believe in once again. With time I will find a good fit for me. I have decided to lay my entire life at God's feet and simply....Let Go and Let God.

I think that this is the best thing for you to do right now. Who knows what God has in store for you in the future? You will certainly reap in kind for the generous love and kindness you have sown.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. I saw on the alt that Cas is out of town for the week. I'm sure she will post to you the next time that she is able to get online.

((((((((((Sanderika)))))))))))))

GAG

[Sanderika]

Thank You GAG,

Your kindness and friendship means the world to me.

I would like to get on the alt with you all but am unsure how to do it with anonymity, perhaps you can give me some pointers.

I have been looking for an update in your world and have not seen one since your last TT match. I hope you are doing well.

(((((Your Friend Too)))))

Sanderika