"And that he is doing things with OW that he always refused to do with me"
This was definitely true for me as well and it hurt a lot. It would have made a real difference to our marriage if he had been willing to do those things with me.
Although I think you have other advice here, I just wanted to acknowledge that I understand how you feel.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
It seems to be so common that WAS do things with OW/OM that they refused to do with LBS. This has been my experience as well. Must be part of the handbook.
It seems to be something that both my father, and now my H are doing too. My father has always HATED country music, and when he was going through his MLC, it was the only thing he listened to. My H always made fun of the people who needed to go to loud bars with expensive drinks in order to just "hang out", and now all he wants is to do that (oh, except not with me, and not in our city, only when he travels).
My dad eventually came back (unfortunately not to his marriage, but to his old self). I'm hoping H will come back to himself as well as to me.
Same experience! And not necessarily with OW, but with things that have to do with them. My H tried skiing (I learned that OW was also learning to ski but in a different city), now buys clothes from a brand name store that OW loves too (he never cared about his clothes before, I had to buy them for him), is drinking tea, listens to young music (he never gave a d*mn about music before), takes pics (so he can MMS then to OW)!
So I told H I wanted to learn skiing too and he blew me away. Of course it hurts, huh? But I think they want to keep the OW experiences unique and separate from what they have with their W - maybe its a defense? I think of it this way: If me and H reconcile, I wouldn't want his memories of what OW and him experienced to be overlapping.
I remember one instance where I learned that H sent OW a video of our favorite song - now that hurt!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks, everyone, for reminding me that I am never alone with my MLC experiences LOL!
Mostly journaling, but happy for feedback/support as well.
H asked me to lunch shortly after my last post here, and since I hadn't fully processed the news of his new-found interests, I declined, nicely. He went out of town for the next week for work, then to see OW (I think).
Early last week, when he returned to town, he made some medical charges on our joint card, indicating that he had suffered an injury. Normally I would have emailed him to say I hoped it wasn't anything serious, but for some reason I decided to wait.
Then at the end of the week, he asked me to lunch again. I was sick, so declined again. He said he would "try again another time." The next day I received the medical receipts from him in the mail to file for insurance. It was an injury he could have received while engaging in his new favorite activity, and I decided I really didn't want to know about it. Not good for me. So I filed the insurance claims and did not respond to the receipts at all.
On Monday, I was feeling much better. I texted him to ask how he felt about sending a particular fairly expensive wedding gift to D and future SIL, saying that I thought it would be nice if they had something lasting from both of us. (I see now that the wording could have been taken as something other than what it was. I was only thinking that, with all of the upheaval in our family, a wedding gift from mom and dad would be supportive and nice.) H texted right back that he agreed, and did I feel like having lunch yet? Fourth invite in 6 weeks. I admit I wondered what could possibly be going on, but quickly shut that down. I did, however, prepare myself with something to say if he wanted to discuss his injury. I planned to set a boundary about any discussion of his extramarital activities.
So we went to lunch yesterday. Perfectly pleasant, as usual, but H seemed very subdued. We talked about a variety of things -- movies, work, books, Ds, pets.... I needed to excuse myself twice (very spicy food that was good, but did not set well), and both times I returned, I caught H looking very sad before he saw me returning. I was open about my plans with D after her professional graduation next month, and he clearly wanted to be more in the loop than he was. He said nothing about his injury, and I didn't ask. We spent almost two hours together, until I said I had to get to work, which I did (already over 30 minutes late). He kissed me goodbye in a way he hasn't in a long time.
Somebody kick me. I feel sorry for him.
Otherwise, I'm in a pretty good place right now. H has been responsible financially, I have a great R with my Ds, terrific friends, supportive sibs, a 1/4-time job, a wedding to help plan, and lots of interests. Although my M is one of the longest here to fail this way, with a lot more history to put on the shelf than most, things are much more tolerable for me than for many here. It is one of my blessings that I remember every day.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
LOL. That just shows who you are. That after all your years together, and all that's been done, you still have that kind of compassion for him. Lots to learn from that.
Quote:
things are much more tolerable for me than for many here. It is one of my blessings that I remember every day.
Everyday, I remind myself of just how fortunate I am.
I wanted to add, I dont think you should look at marriage as one that failed. 36 years is hardly a failure, but, quite an accomplishment. And the fact that you are still on friendly terms with your h, another one.
I forgot to mention that when H was out of town, I had to go by his office to pick up some info for taxes. It was the first time I had been there during working hours since our S 2.5 years ago. No lie. It was a quiet day, and H's secretary, receptionist and I chatted for a while. They were clearly still distressed about our S, sympathetic, supportive and kind. It was nice.
So today, I had to go by to pick up our returns. It was the first time anyone in his office had seen us together since our S. I spoke briefly to a couple of his colleagues, and then we chatted in his office for a while about taxes and our graduating D. When I left to go to work, I walked through the reception area, greeting both the secretary and receptionist warmly, and they responded in kind. It sounds funny, but I actually felt the respect they both have for how I am comporting myself.
This has been my goal from the beginning -- accept my failings, work to be and do better going forward, while acting purposefully in ways that are true to who I am, will not hurt others, and I will not regret. At least for these, I felt like a success today.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Accepting our failings and really working hard to do better seems to come easier for me with age. Who knows, maybe we do get wiser.
I know that it's much easier for me to define what I will and won't accept, while being able to see more and more gray areas (as opposed to black and white). My ability to understand and accept people with all their flaws and imperfections has only grown in the last few years.
I never thought I would have learned so much in all of this.
