The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Redo]

Denver, dont want to hurt your feelings, but i feel TG is totally right. It was like Deja Vu reading this comments.

In 2009 wife left because she felt that i was never there for her, that she could not trust me because i supported my parents more than her blah blah blah...Yup, she felt i was the big bad wolf.

Then she came back after 6 months, partly because i changed some and i did woo her to come back. But guess what, she came back with the exact same feelings that she left with. Yup, I changed a lot during that time. Totally stopped my communications with my parents to appease her. I even stopped letting daughter talking to my parents to appease her. Yea things were lil better. But not a by a lot. Since she always felt that she was a victim, any little argument that we had, she just added it on top of her resentment feelings on me. Then she began to say that i had not changed a bit. Then she finally quit on me in 2011.

Why i say this? In 2009, i was just too happy to have her back. No conditions placed on her. But instead had i told not to come back until she exorcised all her resentments towards me at-least, we would not have come to this point.

Once this much damage has happened, i think both spouses need to own up to what they did. You are owning up your part. Your wife does not seem to be. If this happens, you will walk on eggshells. You will enable your wife to feel that she still is a victim and put down your spirits. It is just a vicious circle.

Sorry i am being too judgmental.

[Denver_2010]

No worries Karma. I appreciate the feedback. And it is definitely something that I need to think about.

[♪CS♪]

@TG and Karma,

I understand your points, but I have to ask the question, what does it mean? What is the action?

My understanding here is that Denver is much further a long in the process. He spent months thinking about these things, making changes, etc while his W was not. She has a lot of catching up to do.

Again, the points are valid, but to me, it still just comes down to patience. It will take her time to start seeing things differently. Just as it took Denever time to get to where he is. I'm just not sure focusing on her remorse, or lack there of, is a positive use of energy. She will either see it or she won't. But either way, it will take time.

[Truegritter]

what does it mean? What is the action?

The action IS patience.

The action may be to pull back a bit in HIS interactions.

The action may be to be able to let her feel life without Denver.

The action may be NOT to enable her victim status.

This ^^^^ one is tough because until she is able to see her own part in the M, and own up to it, then you are back to DB101

Validate her feelings. Not agree with them. Not reinforce them.

Ultimately if Denver is walking on eggshells he will not be able to act like the Denver he wants to be.

He will not have the R with his W he wants if she makes him feel that way.

Denver has been putting all the effort into this. She is accepting his effort but she still holds the cards and doesn't want to lay them down...

Stop the action.

Watch.

See what effort she puts in.

She may run back to OM.

She may not.

Which answer tells you whether she is ready to commit to a mutually trusting M?

Which actions (or inaction) by Denver will sweep the eggshells away?

[Truegritter]

P.S.

Denver you can answer the questions I asked here or not.

Answer them for yourself.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

@TG and Karma,
...
My understanding here is that Denver is much further a long in the process. He spent months thinking about these things, making changes, etc while his W was not. She has a lot of catching up to do.

Again, the points are valid, but to me, it still just comes down to patience. It will take her time to start seeing things differently. Just as it took Denever time to get to where he is. I'm just not sure focusing on her remorse, or lack there of, is a positive use of energy. She will either see it or she won't. But either way, it will take time.

I think Country is wise beyond his post count.

[Redo]

Again, the points are valid, but to me, it still just comes down to patience. It will take her time to start seeing things differently. Just as it took Denever time to get to where he is. I'm just not sure focusing on her remorse, or lack there of, is a positive use of energy. She will either see it or she won't. But either way, it will take time.

Agree with you. I think all of us at some point do have fears if our WAS might change their mind of coming back to us. So in order to have a new meaningful relationship with them, we could either wait for them to realize their mistake and then take them back. But what if they dont?. That fear of losing my wife is what drove me to accept my wife immediately in 2009 when she wanted to come back.

I'd love to hear from the vets here about this. But after you accept them back and exercise patience and do everything possible for the relationship, will your spouse have any reason to realize that she was wrong in playing the victim card? If your spouse does not realize that, where is the change then? You are back to square-1. But if you left them to realize what they have done, then you take the risk of losing them because they might never realize. So out of fear of losing them you accept them hoping that they will change once they came back into the fold with you. But will they???

I dont know...I think i totally confused myself here . If you got a headache reading above, sorry....

[cat04]

I understand your points, but I have to ask the question, what does it mean? What is the action?

My understanding here is that Denver is much further a long in the process. He spent months thinking about these things, making changes, etc while his W was not. She has a lot of catching up to do.

Here is the thing...

Denver has spent months thinking about these things, however, he is playing the victim role as much as he is enabling her to play the victim role.

Denver learned to DB to win his M back...

He had the goal of reconciliation squarely in his sites. And he has come very close to getting there.

He hasn't DB'd enough to move beyond that goal though. Towards what a relationship looks like. And that is something that his W is seeing.

He wanted/wants to hear the words, you have changed enough and I made a mistake, I want to come back. I was wrong from his W.

Beyond that, nothing, IMO.

Allowing her to play the victim, isn't really an option either, she is gonna have to work on her stuff...

However, Denver is now playing the victim equally. He hasn't moved past the A. Because she hasn't said what he wants to hear. He hasn't set any sort of boundary, because he is afraid that she will decide to walk.

If she does that...then he has not met his goal.

Problem with all of this, is that with no more goals beyond reconciliation, no idea of what he envisions for the future of this relationship, with her still wanting to repair the M that is dead and gone, and him hopefully working toward a new relationship, they are working toward opposite goals.

That will NOT be successful.

Yes they both have to own up to their parts of this, eventually. She has to be ready to do that in her time.

It is up to Denver to decide if he can be patient enough to let her get to that point...

In the meantime, he can sit back, work more on himself, figuring out what he actually wants and needs in a relationship, giving her the time and space to begin to work on herself and watch to see what she does.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The goal is to get your spouse back.

However...

Not at ANY cost.

Letting them back into a relationship, where there aren't any boundaries, you can't talk about what happened and where you shoulder all the blame, and they have no remorse for poor choices?

Ummm...

That's fear driving the LBS.
Hoping things get better, isn't a good plan to lay foundations upon.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver,
There is nothing here that I can say that has not already been said. I think you are going to have to be patient. Yes, she sees that you have made some changes. But, to her the changes now make you a bit foreign to her. So, she now has a new uneasiness to deal with when she is with you. It is going to take some time for her to be comfortable with the new you. Give her that time. Yes, the OM hanging around is terrible and will continue to cause and issue until he is gone. But, you can't get rid of him no matter how hard you try. You can't. Only she can get rid of him and she will do that on her timeline, unfortunately...

I wish you luck, buddy. You have come so far, hang in there. Don't loose this now.

FOBD