That little engine that will ...

[courageous wife]

I love your updates MMI! You are right, it is showing you that your H does think of you!

Well, all for now, gotta go continue with my life.

Have a great day!!

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks Courageous! He'll be over to drop the kids off later so maybe I'll put something sexy on and really give him something to think about LOL (she's says, feeling a little naughty).

[MeMyselfandI]

Been a while since my last post and busy busy but thought I’d take some time to post an update. So, communication remained pretty steady last week but the joking and flirty stuff has gone away completely. On Wednesday, I received word that my dad was not doing very well and made the decision to cancel my trip to Mexico which was scheduled to start following my kid’s hockey tournament. It probably isn’t the best time for me to go out of the country and work is really crazy right now too so although I’m kind of disappointed, no point going all that way just to worry about things.

Now, on to the other stuff … Thursday evening, we all flew to the kid’s out of town hockey tournament. H and I were friendly, his grandparents showed up to the kids games and we all spoke. H would check in with me pretty regularly after the games to find out what we were doing and we met up with him and one of the coaches who he was rooming with a couple of times. This coach is also a friend of H’s and plays on his hockey team and I’ve never really said too much to him but we ended up joking around quite a bit … all started with a conversation on politics and we are on completely different sides in that regard LOL. On Thursday and Friday evening, we ended up socializing in the same room with a group of other parents and I had fun.

Saturday evening turned into a bit of a disaster following a fantastic team dinner. When we got back to the hotel, my D ended up getting into trouble. To make a long story short, she got angry at her brother and picked up a phone in the room all the kids were in and dialed 911. She never put the phone to her ear or said anything and hung it up right away but of course, 911 called back to the hotel to check on things and the front desk ended up coming up to speak to the parents. My D was there when they arrived and she immediately starting crying and fessed up to what she had done. I took her into the room, discussed it at length and grounded her while the rest of her team went swimming. She also went to the front desk to apologize and apologized to the Dad that belonged to the room where she made the call.

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible … H was upset. I think he didn’t like the way I handled it. After D calmed down a bit, I called him to see if he wanted to come talk to her to add anything and he told me he was too embarassed and ashamed of our D to come out of his room and for me to send her to his room. Well, of course, she was also embarassed and ashamed but I made her go down there. After about 15 minutes, I get a text from H asking me to come to his room. When I get there, D starts telling me, through her tears, that Daddy thinks she should be grounded and miss her gold medal game the following day and she should not be allowed to do anything but sit in the hotel or car until our flight takes off at 8 pm. I said I would think about tomorrow and let her know. H went on to say if I wanted to go anywhere, like for a drink across the hall, to please send D down to his room as he did not want her left unsupervised, he didn’t trust her.

D and I went back to my room and she starting crying really hard again and starting saying that she was going to be a failure her whole life and a loser and that Daddy was embarassed and ashamed of her. Took me a while to settle her back down and at this point, it dawned on me that she was more upset that her Dad was embarassed and ashamed of her than she was about the mistake she made in the first place. I explained to her that people make mistakes and although she has to face the consequences of her mistake, (i.e. the grounding), that she should not worry about her Daddy being embarassed and ashamed. I told her that was not her problem, it was his to deal with. In the meantime, H has sent me another text, this time saying he’s worried about her and doesn’t want her left alone so if I want to go anywhere to please bring her to his room. He also texts that he has breakfast planned with his grandparents for 10 am. I responded saying fine on both accounts. H text sasking me what I’m mad at him for; (obviously he sensed it).

I waited for quite a while and then I responded saying that I was upset that he managed to make this all about him. I went on to say part of me wants to say I’m sorry but I have nothing to be sorry about. The biggest worry both his D and I had tonight after all of this was the fact that he didn’t want to leave his room. Eventually I realized that this was not our problem but his problem, that kids make mistakes, that she owned up to it and took her punishment and that I will never be to ashamed or embarassed of our kids to walk out in public and further, that I would never put that on them.

That was the end of the conversation and I’m sure I screwed up royally but honestly, I didn’t care at the time. My one and only concern was the well-being of our D.

I have more to but this is getyting long so I'll carry on later.

[MeMyselfandI]

Just finishing up my update from last weekend. The next morning, H came to the room to pick up kids for breakfast and we did not speak. I packed up while they went for breakfast and when the kids came back, S and I did some shopping while D went with her friend and then we headed to the rink for gold medal game. It was great game, kids won. H's grandparents were there and I spoke to them briefly following the game while trying to organize what kids were doing next. It was a little chaotic as our D was going shopping and couldn't find her wallet. Once we solved that problem, off she went and H and I stood talking to his grandparents for a bit till S got impatient and wanted to go. It was a friendly chat and just as I said good bye to them, H asked me where S and I were going so I told him which mall I was taking S to because it had an apple store and I wanted to see if it was worth fixing S's ipod touch. H suggested the mall he was going to also had an apple store but I mentioned this one was closer to the airport and off we went.

On our way to the airport, we ran into H and coach friend at the gas station and then again at the rental place while we were dropping off our vehicles. H offered to take one of the kids hockey bags as he only had one suitcase. I thanked him and S and I went to check in. Didn't really see or speak to him again until we got off the plane. I was outside at the airport and H came out to ask if my boarder was coming to pick me up to which I said yes and asked if he needed me to take the kids hockey bags and drop them off at his place. He asked if they could actually get a ride, (coach included) to coach’s place as his truck was there and I agreed.

We were civil all day, although we didn’t speak much and there was never any mention of what had happened with D the night before. I think H may have felt guilty for how he reacted. Something tells me there is more to his reaction with our D and I think it may have to do with how I was intereacting with his friend (coach). I think his insisting that I stay in the room to supervise D had more to do with keeping me out of the room where everyone was socializing. I could be way off base and really it doesn’t matter in end.

[MeMyselfandI]

Now on to this week’s update. I get a call from D first thing Monday morning. She tells me she thinks Daddy is hiding something from her and her brother. She says she can’t tell me in case H can hear her so she’ll text me. Here is the text exchange:

D: I think Daddy is hiding something because I saw a bag in his closet and it says pink on it so I think daddy has a girlfriend because there is a cheetos and beer out

M: I see, well you can ask him, Mommy doesn’t know or you can not worry about it and he will tell you if it’s important.

D: I did and he said none of your business. Fine if you are going to be on his side then be that way.

M: Well then, it’s not important. If it was, he’d tell you.

D: Then why is it in the closet and stop texting me, I have to get ready for school.

M: All I’m saying honey is that just because daddy sees a girl doesn’t mean that you will meet them. When it is time to meet them, you will.

I kinda chuckled to myself afterwards. I figure this is going one of two ways, either he has bought something for me for my birthday which is next weekend, (at my fav store Victoria Secret) or he has a new girlfriend. Either way, this is part of his journey or he has to take this journey.

The rest of this week, there has been communicating on logistical things. I have been really busy with work so exchanges have been kept short.Yesterday, he asked me if I could take the kids next week as he has to travel for work to town where OW#2 lives. He had brought up last week that he may have to go back there in May and I said something along the lines of him getting to see his ‘friend’ again. He seemed to get kind of defensive and responded saying it’s low on the priority scale. So, I didn’t mention anything at all this time, I simply said no problem to taking the kids.

Later on I get an email from H with more logistical stuff and then he says that he will be totally out of touch when he gets to the other town as he is driving to one of the smaller communities there and it does not have cell service. Now I think he’s trying to get me to bite to say something about OW#2 …

Also in this email, he asks what plans are for S’s birthday which is three days after mine and he goes on to say if I’m not having his party and I’m planning to go out for my birthday, he’ll watch the kids for me.

I write back telling him I had planned to have S’s b-day party the following weekend and thanked him for offering to take the kids as I do plan on going out for my birthday. Only mention of his trip was telling him to have fun in (name of community).

Well, think I’m all caught up for now. Have to work a bingo tonight with H for kid’s hockey team. Hope everyone is well.

[MeMyselfandI]

I’ll post a quick update from yesterday, along with some of my own musings on a few things I find interesting. As for bingo, H was in a hockey tournament and ended up having a game that ran into the start of the bingo as well as having to leave ealy for another game so I ended up running it in his absence. When he was there, we chatted briefly but it was pretty busy so not much chance. He did come in to check on me a few times to ask if I wanted a drink, anything to eat, etc. When he left, I wished him good luck in his game and he asked if I would take everything back to my place which I agreed.

After the bingo, I took everything home and headed out for a little while to socialize with some friends. I got home around 11:45 pm and H sends a text asking how the bingo ended up. I respond and he writes back asking if I’m done and home yet and tells me they won their hockey game and will be playing in the finals at 2 pm tomorrow. Bit of talk about his hockey as he tells me he has won 2 game mvp awards so far. I congratulate him and I end the conversation telling him good luck tomorrow. I wonder if he was hinting to see if I would come and watch him play in the finals today and that’s why he was telling me what time it was at. We don’t have any kid exchanges or anything going on so I don’t see any other reason he would tell me but again, I didn’t bite. If he wants me to come and watch, he’ll have to ask.

There are a few things I’ve found interesting over the past few days. One is that H has been calling more frequently rather than texting which has been our normal mode of communicating. He called me Friday while I was out for drinks after work to see if he could take S by the house to pick up some things. When I answered and he heard the noise in the background he said, oh, I guess you’re not home. I said no but he and S were welcome to go to the house to get what they needed. Yesterday morning he called, rather then texted about the bingo. First words out of his mouth were, are you home? It’s not like he needed to know or was planning on coming by it was a question that had no real purpose. Then, again last night when he started the texting about the bingo, one of the first things he asked was if I was home. He knew I would have been home from the bingo long ago and was planning to go back out with some friends …. and this was about two hours later! I think he’s checking up on me LOL.

He did tell me at one point that he is nervous and scared around me and doesn’t know how to start anything. I believe this is at least part of it in a nutshell:

- Guilt for all the damage he has caused? You betcha!
- Inability to project his anger from that guilt onto me because I haven’t given him the opportunity? Score two for the LBS’s
- Fear of rejection and loss? Yepper, score another for the LBS’s – he sees me getting on with my life and it scares him to death.

I will continue to control how I react because I want no part of him until and only if he is able to fully deal with all that mess in his grey matter. I do sympathize but I won’t get sucked back into the rollercoaster.

[MeMyselfandI]

Wow, I guess it’s been a while since my last post. Communication has remained steady with some joking although he has remained somewhat guarded. H has been in and out of town on business travel the past couple of weeks and there have been a few birthdays in there, some hockey and just busy time.

The first birthday was H’s Grandfather who turned 94. I had the kids call to wish him a happy birthday; they hung up before I got a chance. Three days later was my birthday. H sent a text first thing in the morning: “Happy Birthday Coug, I hope you have a great day”. I joked that I would thank him but he just called me a cougar and he responded that if I wasn’t still pretty then he couldn’t call me that so it was a compliment. H took the kids for my birthday so I could go out and celebrate. I also got a call from H’s grandparents wishing me a happy birthday.

Three days later again, it was S’s 10th birthday. I took S & D out to dinner that night and we planned his birthday party for this past weekend. H is in a big hockey tournament every Easter weekend, (has been for years). He asked what we had planned for S’s b-day so I let him know we would be having a sleepover with 5 kids on Friday night and party on Saturday (with another 13 kids) from 11 am – 1 pm and he was welcome to attend. H did show up at 11 with coffee for me (I needed it too) and stayed for the duration of the party. There were a couple of laughable moments, one of the kids (who is just like one of my own), looked at H when he showed up and said “What are you doing here?” We both chuckled and he said “I thought I’d come to my son’s birthday party is that ok?” Also, an odd thing, I went up to my en-suite at one point and walked in on H who was using the facilities. I was kinda dumbfounded and he looked at me and said, “I’m having a pee.” I said OK and shut the door, but the funny thing is, there are two other bathrooms in the house, all the kids were outside playing hockey and he had to walk right by one of the main bathrooms to get to my room to use my bathroom. Only reason to go into my room that I can think of would be to spy … odd some of the things the MLC mind will make you do!

Anyway, party was great. We worked as a team as we always had in the past. At the end, he came and thanked me for letting him come. Anyone who was reading previously would know that he pulled a pretty nasty move with our D’s b-day party and guilted our D into inviting OW instead of me. He has since broken up with OW and admitted what he did was wrong regarding D’s b-day so I’m sure he felt bad and likely hoped that I would retaliate by not inviting him to S’s b-day. I didn’t and never would!

H also called me to come by on Thursday and drop off a “pass” for me to get into the hockey tournament to watch some games on the weekend. It costs to get into the rink and he has always given me a wife pass for the weekend. I think it was his subtle way of asking me to come and watch some of his games. The kids and I have gone to each of his games and will be heading over to watch him in the semi-finals (and hopefully finals) today.

This weekend has always been a bit of a sore spot for me as he has always been “absent” because of this tournament on Easter weekend, but this year, I could really care a less. The kids and I have been doing our own thing and he is still more interested in partying and such which tells me he still has a long way to go.

I asked him if he wanted the kids back tonight (Sunday) so he could do Easter hunt with them in the morning, (we did ours this morning), or early Monday morning for the same reason. He responded likely not till Monday afternoon as he was planning a party at his house on Sunday night. D was asking me when they were going back so I told her what H had said. She got angry and called H. When she hung up the phone, she started asking me why I was lying, that Daddy wasn’t planning a party at his house on Sunday night. I picked up my phone, which had text from H saying that he was planning a party for Sunday night and showed it to her. She then got angry and asked why Daddy was lying to her and I simply said, “maybe he changed his mind.” ARGHH, I hate the lying and although I still somewhat protected him by making an excuse, it was more to protect her.

All in all, I think I’m doing well and I find myself really questioning whether I would ever really want a relationship with H. More and more, I’m finding the answer is no and although it is a bit scary to think of the finality of it all, it is exciting at the same time. I really like who I’m becoming.

Sorry the post is long and kinda all over the place but it has been a while.

[MeMyselfandI]

Almost a month since my last post ... guess I've really been getting a life. I'll start with with me since that's where my head continues to be ... me, myself and I LOL.

I'm completely detached from the craziness and enjoying my life to the fullest. I continue to train for my upcoming National Competition which starts June 2nd. I fly out of here May 30th and am really looking forward to some great competition. I've been hanging out with old friends and some new "friends" and having a great time. I went out and got my nose pierced which is something I've always wanted to do.

My relationship with the kids continues to be strong, open and honest. D continues to catch H in lies and is growing increasingly frustrated with H. She finally blew up and said that H was not longer going to be her daddy if he kept lying to her so I sat her down this week and had a heart to heart with her about it. I explained to her that it is not right for H to lie to her; however, that he is currently not in his right mind and he likely thinks that lying to her is protecting her. He is just not capable right now of seeing how much this is hurting her. I’ll explain more on the lying later because it’s his issue, not mine.

Work has kept me really busy as I’m organizing our Triennial Convention in another community which begins June 17th. I will fly over there for two weeks as soon as I return from the National Competition to hopefully put the finishing touches on everything and to be fully prepared when our 250 delegates and guests arrive. It’s funny, I work for the political office of our organization and following this Convention, I may not have a job as I am an “appointment at the leisure of the elected official”. My current boss is retiring and therefore not seeking re-election which should have me worried … but for some reason, I’m not. I just have a gut instinct telling me that everything is going to be fine no matter how it turns out.

Now, on to H. He is a mess and still deep in replay. He has moved on to OW2 and I believe he started drawing towards her as soon as he dumped OW1. As far as I know, she is a bit older than the last one, I think 26 so only 10 years younger than him. She does not liver here. He has mentioned her to me a few times, almost cryptically and I can’t help but laugh as he has said so many contradictory things about her. This is one who was in town here for a weekend and when the day came for her to arrive, he started texting me telling me how he really didn’t even care to see her, blah blah. He is a mess and I’m not sure he’ll ever come out of the fog he is in.

He is currently on a trip to New York with OW2. This is the latest lie that he was caught in as he told me he was going with her. The kids started asking me about his trip and I had no idea he hadn’t told them anything so during the conversation, they asked who he was going with and I said a girl. Well, D instantly picked up the phone and started grilling H who in turn, told her that he was going with male friend. When she hung up, she asked me why I was lying to her and I said I wasn’t … that was what H told me. Well, that night, she got a hold of my cell phone and was reading texts and there it was, a message from H telling me that he was going to New York with a girl. She was/is hurt and angry and I don’t really blame her.

As for his trip, I joked with him about it and told him to have a great time. I have been very nonchalent about the OW2 talks and pretty much supportive of him doing whatever it takes to find happiness. The way I figure it, he is either going to find happiness with someone else or he’s going to realize that he needs to sort himself out first. Either way, there is nothing I can do about it and he needs to go through it. Besides, it was right after he returned from trip with OW1 that he decided she wasn’t the one … so maybe this little trip will have the same affect LOL. If not, that’s ok too. This is his journey.

H continues with touch and goes with me as well. Friday night, (2 days b4 leaving on trip with OW2) he sends me a message around 2 am asking me to come to his place for some fun. I tell him he can come to my place, he knows how to find my room in the dark. He says, you mean I just cleaned for nothing, this is a first impression for you, you have never passed the doorway. I respond saying I’ve never been invited and he says, well you are invited now. I tell him it’s too late and I’m sleepy … sweet dreams.

So, on Sunday, I go over to his place to pick something up. He is standing in the kitchen making lunch so I grab what I need, still in doorway and say thanks. Then he starts making small talk … I was dressed a little provocative and he is staring. When he runs out of things to say, he says to our D, you know, your mom has never seen your room so she comes and takes me by the hand to show me around. He is staring the entire time and once my tour is finished, I go to leave again and he says, did you see the bathroom? I say no and he tells me to go and look so I do. Come back compliment him and get ready to leave again and he tells the kids to show me a couple more things … LOL, can you say trying to keep the eye candy there a bit longer?

A couple of hours later, he comes by my place to drop off kids and does a couple of things around the house for me. I’m still wearing same outfit so he hovers a little longer even though he told me he had a big list of chores to complete prior to leaving on his trip. I thank him and tell him he should get going to get his list of stuff done, I can finish up around the house. I tell him to have a great trip and off he goes. Low and behold, he’s back, a half hour later with a cake that our D had won at a family fun night at their school. I’m out doing some yard work so I tell him to just put it in the garage and thank him. Again, I tell him to have a great trip. Done right? Nope, two more phone calls that night about trivial little things that certainly could have waited and both times, I end the call telling him to have a great trip.

Monday comes, again, about 5 phone calls regarding silly things, last one about an hour b4 he should be meeting up with OW2 at airport. This was the funny one, he tells me he got a letter at his place, addressed to me but with his address on it so he opened it. I said, you did what, but kept it light-hearted because obviously, curiosity got the better of him. Anyway, it was from one of the candidates in our recent election – someone who I have supported in the past but who definitely did not have my support this time, although the letter apparently indicated that they thought otherwise. H joked with me about it, knowing full well my political views and knowing that I worked Election Day as a scrutineer for the candidate whom I did support. We both chuckled and again, I ended the conversation telling him to have a great trip.

I haven’t heard from him since he left on his trip, although he has called kids a coujple of times to check in.

There has been a lot of things he is doing and saying that I also want to put down, more so to journal than anything so I’ll just put them out in point form:

- he has told me he is timid and unsure around me as he is afraid to be judged
- I in turn told him that I am here for him to talk to and that I won’t judge him, that I have compassion for him and hope he finds happiness – also told him I haven’t always felt that way over the past year, until I found my own peace
- he has told me that he really hoped and felt that I would be happier after all this
- I in turn told him that I conciously choose happiness every day – that I play with the hand I’ve been dealt and I was dealt a D so I make the best of it
- he has told me he has not been sleeping, he has psoriasis that has broken out really bad and generally he’s just not healthy

Think that’s it for now … as I said, I believe he is still deep in replay. I continue to standing but question it more and more every day and have for quite some time. At this point, I want the man that I know he can be and I’m not sure that man exists if that makes any sense?

[courageous wife]

Hi MMI!!!

I just want to compliment you on your continued growth and your galing activites! Go girl!!!

I agree with your thoughts of your H still being deep in replay!

You just keep doing what you are doing! Have a great weekend!

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks for checking in Courageou and for our kind words of support!

So, H is back from his trip. I saw him briefly on Monday as I had a stool, (long story) for him. He was talking to D on phone as I was going to pick S up and said he would come by to get it. I said it was ok; I was going right by there so I’d drop it off at his place and out the door I went. As soon as I get in the van, I get a text from H asking if I’m picking S up first or going by his place first. I said picking S up, that way he could run the stool in. Maybe H was hoping to have a chat without S present but I wasn’t biting. When we get to H’s, S refuses to get out of van, too tired so I run the stool up and was just going to drop it and run. He asks me to come in a take a couple of the souvenirs he has brought back for the kids to them. I do, he comes out to the van, says hi to S and off we go.

So, yesterday S decides he wants to bike over to visit H as he misses him. I say it is fine by me, he just needs to call H first and of course, H says yes. I send H a text about an hour later as I’m going to pick up D at swimming and say to just let me know if S wants to get picked up. I also say that I was glad S spoke up and said he wanted to visit … it was nice to see as he has had problems doing so in the past. He agreed and said he would bring S home when he was ready, no problem.

I send back and thank you and a BTW forgot to say that I hope you had a fabulous trip. OK, here it is, wait for it … had a good trip, good place to visit, as for the company, will be LAST trip taken together. I am a very picky person I’m learning. He went on and on about how stupid she was and drove him crazy (side note, not a long drive LOL), and gave a bunch of examples. Ha, I know him all too well!

Anyway, we text back and forth for a while and I tell him I’m sorry it didn’t work out and I hope he finds Mrs. Right one day. He says he knows he has to take chances and he expects to go through this a few more times but he would rather be alone then settle.

I almost sent a text back with, “well, you know, once you’ve had the best LOL!” I’ll save that for his next OW disaster as I’m sure he’s gonna jump right back up on that horse a few more times!

Stay tuned for the next episode in MMI’s “As the MLC’er Turns”. Sure to mystify anyone who is slightly sane and offer some light comedy relief for anyone living it!