Sanderika - I am not peaceful all the time!! I know I have said this before but I found the book - The Journey from Abandonment to Healing - a hugely helpful thing to read. [Also loved 'Eat, love pray' although liked the last bit the least.]
It is actually fun being a single lady. I look at myself each day, and realise I have respect and liking for who I am. I can truthfully say that I almost certainly would not have my h back now. But even 6 months ago I would not have said that.
You are still very much in love with your h, and he knows it. My xh told me that my love for him had irretrievably damaged his chances of a long term relationship with OW [incredible how it is all our fault!] He is still involved with her to some extent, I believe, although I have no contact of any kind with him.
Actually saying goodbye and closing the door is OK. Very painful, but necessary in some cases. It was in mine because I could not move forward into being the person I need to become, while I was hoping for a reconciliation.
It is very very hard, no question. Be gentle with yourself, and don't 'force' it. Your h is confused and damged, making poor choices, and only he can fix himself. Any pressure probably makes things worse. He wants the pain to stop, and it won't until he sorts himself out, but that takes real effort and commitment.
I do know a number of people who have pieced their marriages back. Privately some of them tell me it was very hard, and at times they questioned if it was really worth the effort. They are damged goods if they ever decide to return. And you may feel you deserve better. But it is entirely your decision, and I would support anyone in any decision that they took sincerely and believed it to be right.
Scylla, GAG, CW, Beatrice, Cas & Seeking...THANK YOU ALL
In reality I am hoping that H will want to attempt further Couples Counseling with me for the reasons mentioned.
I want to call him to the carpet further on the use of the word BETRAYED. Correct me if I am all out of whack and warped on this BUT....BETRAYED....OMG, what about H?
BETRAYED is a word I would have used to describe him when he left son and I, when we both needed him the most for support. (Me for depression and son for a new diagnosis of Asperger's)
BETRAYED is a word I would have used to describe H when he took up with OW breaking our covenant marriage.
BETRAYED is a word I would have used to described H when he and his OW ousted me from my own company three years ago because OW wanted my job.
BETRAYED is a word I would have used to describe H's abandonment and neglect he forced upon my son countless times in favor of his own selfishness and egotistical fulfillment as he pursued the OW.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE IN LIFE.....
I want to further meet him again in therapy to discuss his actual role in the demise of the marriage. H was commonly staying out all night which contributed painfully towards my depression (I felt unloved and unappreciated). After his cancer and remission H played the role of "It's my life...I'm gonna do exactly what I want". I went through hell for years after. I nursed him during that two years with cancer. I never betrayed him.
This was also a factor which contributed to his MLC down the road.
Dr. R did use the words MLC towards H once. When he mentioned that H could Live Alone, he said that H could go off into the sunset and have his MLC.
I am dumbfounded at the pure appearance of selfish and childish behaviors. I could never imagine being a person who would want to be like that.
The two hours we met certainly was not enough time to delve into all of the troubles. I am thinking now that the troubles are more H's than mine.
I have decided that should H choose not to engage therapy further H will be ordered to put an offer in writing and my role as his wife/friend will cease. I cannot accept the harsh words and demeanor H has used against me. It only proves his pathetic state. It will be very unhealthy for me and son to be in his presence.
My son noted to me yesterday that he went into H's fridge for water yesterday and H's fridge was absolutely empty. Son said: "Mom there wasn't anything in there". Just thought it interesting.
Thanks and hugs ladies, I will keep you all posted.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Although my H has never use the word betrayed to me, I know that is what he feels about my efforts to get him to seek help for his PTSD and alcohol abuse. I let the cat out of the bag. Plus the added benefit of getting to be mad at me and not face the guilt of his own actions.
You are right on every point, BETRAYED is not a word your H should use to you. Just try to remember, he's seeking every avenue he can to avoid facing his own guilt. ((HUGS))
I always read along to see how you are doing but I am not sure if I have ever posted to you.
I find your H's use of the word BETRAYED very interesting. It is an emotionally laden word. Any one who feels betrayed feels very damaged, hurt and bereft at a deep emotional level. Did he feel betrayed because he felt that in your depressed state you could not meet the needs he thought you should as a wife, mother and business partner? Is this something he has not forgiven you for? He needs to address that feeling and let go. Did he go into anymore details about this? Does he see that you felt BETRAYED but have forgiven him? Is he using the word BETRAYED as a way of not facing his guilt or did he geniuinely feel BETRAYED no matter how misguided that feeling might appear?
You don't have to respond as I know that it is extremely painful for you. These are just things which occured to me as I read your post.
H has an inability right now to claim any blame. I can remember wondering before we went to the counseling IF H would attempt to sabotage the meeting with blame towards me. If he could play the roll of martyr he would be told professionally that the marriage should end. Instead H was actually blamed for having an OW and the meeting more seemed to focus on H's current choice and actions than on me. I know H appeared egotistical, cocky and selfish, this Dr. knew exactly who H was even if H thought he was filling the Dr. with "the real truth". This man has 40 years of experience dealing with troubled people and couples...I think he can read people pretty well by now.
It is truly amazing the journey H has traveled without really ever moving forward or backward. I have seen and heard H profess his faults, yet in this meeting I was the Betrayer. In this meeting H was the victim.
To this day in all my 32 years with my H I have never stepped out on him. If getting depressed was the worst thing I dished out....think about it.....whew!!!
Punkin, Thanks so much!
Sooo.....
My H just picked up son for the day. It seems kind of late giving the project at hand, BUT Oh Well!!!
H called first and seemed all like "HI!, How are you today?" I just said "fine". I told him son would be ready in 10 minutes.
H came right into the kitchen, I was finishing up cooking off a batch of blueberry pancakes, there was a plateful sitting front and center.....they looked mighty inviting, if I must say so myself!!! Son and I heard H's stomach growl, son said "you sound hungry" H said "no, I ate earlier". I had no intentions of offering him breakfast, this is a huge 180 for me. I did intend for H to see what he is going to walk away from!!!!!!!!
Another interesting thing to note: H was obviously wicked nervous. He rambled incessantly and spoke a mile a minute about some trees at the garage. Never once looked away from a piece of furniture across the room. He did make real nice of our dog, which was good for the dog. Then he and son left.
Thanks everyone!!!
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I will be happy to answer your questions. I am in hopes that my story will be of great help to other couples who are facing this most traumatic ordeal.
H claims I BETRAYED him for these reasons, BTW, I admit all of this is true:
As a Wife: When I was depressed, I was of no help to anyone and I was mean. I would be cross and quick with people 24/7. I took out most of my frustrations on H. H did try to help me. I turned him down. I slept a lot. I was sleeping if I was not at work. My family and home life suffered a great deal. I also was unable to satisfy H sexually, I had shut down on me and H and son, I hated everyone and everything. I was not functioning at all. I did not clean my home or do laundry or cook meals or shower. It was a hideous time in my life.
As a Business Partner: I was actually able to function very well on the job and I was a perfectionist. My work was accurate and complete. I manned the office alone everyday with 12 employees. I worked a very long day....most days were 10-14 hours, I went home when my desk/work was completed. I could not be nice though, My tone on the phone was not nice. I was quick with people and when it was H on the phone, I would hang up whether H was finished or not. I do remember having two customers that I butt heads with...one H does not work for any longer and one I am not sure. H's business has never suffered in volume or dollars, so I am not sure what he really means. I think it was how I treated him mostly not the customers. OW wanted in so badly she would have had me knocked off if H had not agreed with her to oust me. That was my career and I am resentful. I put 25 years of sweat equity into that company. I had also turned myself around and was quite well when he did oust me. I had been doing great for 2.5 years. I have been virtually unemployed since. The job market in Maine is very poor.
I draw the line with son.
As the Mother of his child: I was raising son alone for the most part due to H's work schedule and continuous traveling. I did not know until son was 8 that he was an Asperger's Child. I did not understand son. I found parenting very difficult before I understood how son thinks. H blames me for son's difficulties. He is in denial that son has a diagnosed social disorder. I do not accept any blame for son. I have been son's primary supporter and advocate. It has been 6 long years, son is doing really well now. H acknowledges that my changes and therapy for son has done him wonders.
According to one of H's best friends, H is not forgiving me for any of this. He says H refers from time to time that I was mean to him and that I F'd up our son. Pretty Strong, Huh! H is hanging on to pain and hurt he says I caused him.
H does see that I have forgiven him. I have made it perfectly clear in actions and words. In fact I told H that everyday when I get out of bed I say: "I forgive H for what he is going to do today." I am then able to move forward without any real bother towards what H has dished out. I do hurt though, I try and keep it at bay, some days are tougher than others. As long as I had hope I could manage. I have no hope now and I somehow feel different.
I am heading for a place where I don't give a rats a$$ anymore what H thinks or does (he's unknown to me right now). Those words hurt that bad. I am not the person I was 5.5 years ago. I am well, I am now the girl H fell in love with (he admitted this in counseling) he does feel the emotion he felt (BETRAYED) is outweighing anything I do now and genuinely admitted this is still how he feels and probably cannot let go of it. I deserve forgiveness and H is unable to get to this place, I don't have any more time for this.
I used to think H was a loving, reasonable and compassionate man. I do not see that same man. H's tunnel vision make me wonder if he ever loved me and my son. He has certainly proven he can't handle thick and thin, in sickness and in health, yada yada yada.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika, this is the first time I have ever recognised your anger and I must say I think this is a healthy thing. I agree with what Kara has written. H has taken on the victim's role, filled with justification for his actions. This is not a man ready to move to a 'give and take' arrangement required in any healthy relationship.
Of course, you hurt. This is all very painful. Be loving, caring and compassionate towards the most important person in this....you. You deserve the peace and joy I mentioned in my last post. Work towards this goal now. You are the most important person at this moment!
