That little engine that will ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Updating again. So, I sent H a text last night to find out about car for hockey tournament. He asked if we could talk later as he had problems with his pipes at his house again. I said I was sorry and hoped it all worked out. Well, this turned into a two hour text exchange ... crazy. So, some of the things that were said were quite interesting. First, we got into a discussion about us. He went on about how stressed and confused he is and how he sees me so happy. He also said he's glad that I can now see what he saw a while ago, that we were just going through the motions of life and if we didn't separate a year ago, we would have after the kids left. I'm guessing he thinks this because he sees me happy. I didn't respond about our relationship, I just responded that I'm finding my own happiness within myself because I discovered that is where it has to start.

He goes on about others that are out there that he could have but he doesn't want 'cause they only add stress. Then he goes on to say he's the one who adds stress because he can't relax and he thinks too much. He was really all over the map. He mentioned a couple of times that I know him better than anyone. He brings up how he screwed up with OW and kids and he felt the need to introduce her because she was distracting him from the kids and she wanted to meet the kids so he only thought it was fair. I told him that I had been dating someone casually for quite a while now who really wants to meet the kids but I won't go there because I don't want to hurt the kids and they are not ready. He asked if he could know who it was and I just said it wasn't important at this time.

Conversation was going along pretty good and I kept up with no pressure. I told him I do love and adore him but that didn't mean that I wanted to be with him right now; however because of the kids, it did mean that I had a vested interest in his happiness and I really do want him to be happy.

I suggested that we make a deal that before anyone else either of us may be dating meets the kids, we talk to eachother about it first. He said ok but he was a little worried that it would cause fights and we are just starting to get along. I said I didn't think it would and he says, ok then, I have a "friend" coming to town this weekend and was going to go with her and kids to McDonald's for lunch on Friday as only friends. He goes on to say that the kids both have a sleepover on Friday night. I reply saying I don't know why he has to involve the kids, just have a good time with her Friday night when the kids aren't around. He responds saying, I dunno, bad idea? I tell him to do what he'd like but personally, I did not understand why the kids would have to meet her and could he not just spend time with her without the kids to which he responded yes he could. He never did say whether that was what he was going to do and then changed the subject. I really wonder if he was just testing me to see if I'd get jealous or how I would react after our recent interactions. Not that it really matters because I think I passed the test with flying colours but still held pretty firm on my beliefs about protecting the kids. I really think he needs to experience these OW to see what he is missing!

On to the subject change, he wanted me to add him on bb messenger. We joked back and fourth about how to do that, (I'm somewhat technology challenged in that area), then D started texting me so I said, I gotta run, D is texting me. He says, I know, she is sitting on my lap. We both laughed at that. I talked to D for a few minutes then went to sleep. When I got up this morning, there was a text from H about an hour and a half after we stopped talking, letting me know he fixed his pipes. I wrote back this morning saying I was glad he got them fixed.

This morning, I finally figured out how to add him to BB messenger and we chatted for a while. Chatted again this afternoon for a bit too. Lots of joking and a little flirty and he was teaching me some things.

[MeMyselfandI]

I just got another message from H.

H: Kids report cards sent to you, we have 1 honor student and 1 near drop out

I wrote back saying I was just heading out for dinner but that I would have a look when I got back later. He writes back saying this one is real bad and he suggests that she move into English, (she is in French Immersion) and goes on to say that she is not getting french at all. I respond again, saying I'm out with a friend, I think this needs to be throught through and talked through and I have some comments but now is not the time.

He responds Yup.

OK, I am heading for dinner with a friend (male and cute btw) but I want to get this down to see if I can get feedback before we have to discuss this situation. Our D is struggling hard this year and some of the parenting decisions H has been making haven't helped that much, (i.e. having her out at the hockey rink till 11:30 pm on a school night and to boot, she had a test the next day). Also, this whole separation has been difficult on her and I'm sure has affected her grades as well, this running between houses, different routines, not to mention all her extra curricular activities. My problems are:

1. How do I mention to H about the late nights at the hockey rink, etc. without causing an argument
2. How do I bring up that this whole separation has likely had an affect on her grades
3. I also want to mention that I think she has had a very difficult year and that if we pull her away from her class now, and friends she has been with since Kindergarten, it will be more detrimental on her in the long run.

One other comment her teacher sent to both of us in a recent email indicated that he did NOT think the work was too hard for D but she just wasn't applying herself. That, in itself should be enough for H to realize that maybe we need to focus a little more on this and try to get her to work to her potential but I dunno. Anyone who's had to have some of these hard discussions and has any advice, please chime in.

[courageous wife]

1. How do I mention to H about the late nights at the hockey rink, etc. without causing an argument
2. How do I bring up that this whole separation has likely had an affect on her grades
3. I also want to mention that I think she has had a very difficult year and that if we pull her away from her class now, and friends she has been with since Kindergarten, it will be more detrimental on her in the long run.

Some good questions MMI...haven't had to deal with this stuff so not sure I can be of much help...with the school work, you can always schedule a conference with the teacher/counselor that both of you could attend.

I think if you just say it in a way that you are including/asking for his feedback it is showing him that you value his input????

I bet there are lots of websites that could google that would help with this...

[courageous wife]

We used mediation and it was still a gruelling process. I'll be sending some good vibes your way and thinking of you.

You posted this in my thread so I brought it over here to ask you if during the mediation process your H showed "monster" at all? Were you able to remain on friendly terms during the process?

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks Courageous, I posted a response on your thread. As for our D, well, I got a text from her last night. I was out late so didn't respond till this morning but she has asked for my help in keeping her on track because she really doesn't want to fail. I responded to her this morning saying that of course I would help her and I don't want her to fail either. I suggested we could look for a tutor to assist her and reminded her that she will have to work hard over the next few months but that I know she can do it.

I'm going to bring up the other issues with H as well, think I'll just send an email stating what I'm observing and ask how we can work together to help her succeed.

Also got a flirty text from H at 3:30 am. I was sleeping and didn't respond. He is in a different time zone than me right now, (2 hours behind) and I figured it was time for a bit of a cool off right now anyway.

[MeMyselfandI]

So, another update. I wrote to H this morning and clearly stated my concerns regarding pulling D out of her current program. I was very matter of fact about the whole thing and even brought up my concerns about late night hockey rink times in a non-agressive manner. Well, lo and behold, he agreed with pretty much everything and thought that he had jumped the gun a bit. Backed off totally and told me he would let me know how the meetings with the teacher went tomorrow but did day that he agreed that with a bit more focus, we can get her through the year successfully.

So, of course, with me, there is always a then ... then comes a message on my phone. It's the contractor who was supposed to install a new garage door for me ... two months ago. They are at my house to deliver the door but can't get in. DUH! No one is at my house right now. So, I call the company, (you have to keep in mind that we live in a fairly small community in Northern Canada, about 80 kms from where the "ice road" starts for my southern readers who have heard of ice road truckers) and I let them know that I am not in town and no one is in the house right now. I explain that I can call my ex and he can move my vehicle out of the garage and give them access, here is his name and phone number and I will have him contact you when he gets a chance. Of course, at this point, I'm assuming I will be have a chance to call H and ask him if he doesn't mind ... but alas, I sent him a message saying I have one more huge favour to ask and he writes back ... Just talked to him, all if good, don't worry about it, I will look after it. I joked and said that I had hoped to have the chance to ask him first to which he responded, don't worry about it, you know I would do it anyway. I responded, that I knew he would but it would have been nice for me to be able to ask before some random guy just called him out of the blue. We both laughed and joked about it.

Anyway, he has looked after everything at my house the last few days and I haved joked on text that I will have to repay him "somehow". There has been some flirting but also some good communication that has been about many different things. He is all over the map and I'll get a chance to put it down at some point ... but maybe it's not all relevant. Point is, communication is improving, I'm not initiating most and he seems to be somewhat coherent at this point. We will see what the weekend holds with his "friend" coming in from out of town, but so far, he has already committed to doing some work at my place this weekend and he does have the kids all weekend!

[courageous wife]

Your H seems to be willing to communicate and compromise! Very good!

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks for popping in Courageous. I was travelling most of the day yesterday so here's a little update. Will post more later.

So, H and I texted pretty much all day and into the night last night. Last couple of exchanges were him saying his memory wasn't working very well and I made a joke about it being because he was preoccupied with happiness. He responded "nope, I wouldn't say that" and I wrote back saying "what does that mean?" I didn't get any response till this morning. And so the texting begins. His response was that he is genuinely not happy right now but that will change. I tell him that's good, I'd like to see him happy. Then, being slightly devious and remembering he has a 'date' tonight, I say, 'that'll change tonight LOL, just remember protection.' He writes back 'maybe, don't even want to see her now LOL.' Of course, I had to ask why. He says 'not sure, just grumpy, maybe I'll feel better after hockey' (sidenote, he has a hockey game from 10:45 pm - 12:15 am - great date LOL). I say 'uh oh, that's not good' and he responds 'sry more like I don't care if I see her, guess that's not much better.' I write back saying I thought he never turned down an offer and he responds 'in the end I likely won't, just not looking forward to it like I should be.' I didn't respond and then he sends me another message letting me know he was going to go and check on progress at my place after he meets with kid's teachers (they have report card meetings today). Said he checked with neighbour who said the contractors were at the house working on my garage door.

Anyway, not really sure what to make of his little rant about his date tonight so if there are any MLC translators out there who wanna give it a shot, please do. I'm a little curious abut I'm not going to spend too much time on it. I'm on a plane right now to my home town and have a date of my own tonight...what's good for the goose as they say; and I'm actually looking forward to mine LOL! Sure I'll have updates on my stopover.

[MeMyselfandI]

Not much to update. My flight connenctions were pretty tight so I only had my phone on for a few minutes. I did received an update from H on my garage door, just letting me know all was good and he moved my van back in. I thanked him and asked him how the kid's conferences went and he indicated that we would need a phone call. I responded that I was sitting on the tarmack getting ready to take off and that since we both had plans tonight, we agreed that tomorrow would be best.

Had a very good time last night. Didn't hear anything from home but didn't really expect to. Just hanging out with family for the day and then plans again tonight so will be busy and wait till I hear something.

[MeMyselfandI]

Been a couple of days and I'll be heading to my third destination today so thought I'd post a short update. Communication has been steady between H and I, mostly business/kids stuff. Saturday night while I was out, I got a text from H asking if him and S could stay at my place as his pipes of frozen again. Of course, I said yes no problem, then threw a little joke in there that my only rule was no one else in my bed (he laughed and said he wouldn't do that).

A few more texts yesterday to update me on kids soccer (they won championship in a shoot out after double overtime) and kids hockey game.