I just got off the phone with the L and we can file next week. The key is that I contest the custody terms before the D is finalized. I feel much better now. That just bought me an additional 4 months to DB.
I'm anxious for my DB coaching session Monday morning.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
There have been several things that have happened since yesterday. We still haven't told the kids anything.
This morning I was able to put Starsky's advice to good use. Remember the W mentioned that my next GF can thank her for my changes. We were in a convo this morning and something similar came up and I told the W, "I can assure that I am not interested in another woman because I take my marriage vows very seriously". That statement worked beautifully. It got quiet as she had to process what I said.
I also had the opportunity to set some boundaries. First, she has to be responsible for her cell bill, auto insurance and gym membership needs to be canceled.
Those were the highlights for the day, before turning south.
As W was in the shower, she left her phone on the charger. I went through her contacts and found the smoking gun. Holy smokes did I find it. I pulled up her HS sweetheart, actually his number came up immediately. Bingo, my heart dropped and my blood pressure went through the roof. I couldn't believe what I was reading. The W copied a couple of message from him to his contact information. They said something along these lines, "I love you and I knew true love when I was with you" and another one saying, "life will be good with you again". I'm paraphrasing because I was too dumb to look any deeper. I came downstairs, slid the phone under the bathroom door and told her I now know what she is up to. I left immediately after that and straight to the bank. She didn't even know why I was upset. The phone turned off when I slid it under the door.
On my way home she called me to find out why I was upset. I told her what I found. W tells me that nothing is going on. My response, is, "I don't believe you and given what has happened in the last 3 months, I have a hard time believing anything you say".
The convo continued and I told her if she wants the D, she will have to get me served, because everything that was previously agreed to just went out the window. Of course she didn't like it, but it isn't my problem.
I'm typing on my phone, so please excuse my errors.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
After the craziness from my last post, things have calmed down. Perhaps more like I have calmed down.
On Sunday we had a great day as a family. We went to church (including the W). After we got home, we sat down with the kids and told them that there would be some changes in our future. I let the W do all of the talking, since it is her decision. She told them that she would be moving next month for work and they would be staying with me until mid-summer. Then they will be moving with her after that. Basically they will have two houses without going into any discussion about mommy and daddy not being together anymore. It went better than I anticipated. Thankfully they don’t quite have the capacity to grasp the big picture yet. After our family meeting, we went for dinner and a movie.
Yesterday was a good day as well. Had my 5th DB coaching session with Leni in the morning. After that, I went to grab breakfast on my own, followed by a walk along the ocean front and finished up with a little meditation. It felt good to relax the mind and get away from the house. When I got home, I took the kids to play tennis at the park and for some ice-cream.
Last night the W told me that the appointment to file the petition had been moved up from tomorrow to today, so we had to do some paperwork last night. That certainly makes my stress levels go up like crazy. I just reminded myself that this isn’t over and I will continue fight until the end. We joked around a little and we actually finished the paperwork quickly. I helped get the kids to bed and then I did the same.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
One thing that I’m having a hard time with is how to deal with the OM. Do I even bother or just make myself be the better option? I have his phone number. It’s probably best to leave it alone and work on myself.
I don’t know. I’ve heard the W talk about him in the past since he was her HS sweetheart. She basically told me that she used to walk all over him. That makes me wonder if I asked him to buzz off if that might work. With my luck, it would probably backfire.
Patience…leave it alone. It will burn out. It will not get me closer to my goal.
I just answered my own question, but I'd still like some input if anyone else has confronted OM.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
W was supposed to file the petition today. I suspect she did. I just received a text from her about taking our D to the dentist. Not a word about her appointment. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
One thing that I’m having a hard time with is how to deal with the OM. Do I even bother or just make myself be the better option? I have his phone number. It’s probably best to leave it alone and work on myself.
I don’t know. I’ve heard the W talk about him in the past since he was her HS sweetheart. She basically told me that she used to walk all over him. That makes me wonder if I asked him to buzz off if that might work. With my luck, it would probably backfire.
Patience…leave it alone. It will burn out. It will not get me closer to my goal.
I just answered my own question, but I'd still like some input if anyone else has confronted OM.
Don't confront the OM; don't dignify or legitimize him in that way. If you want to confront someone, confront your wife, but confronting OM is generally a poor idea.
Also, affairs are highly addictive -- they don't just "burn out" on their own very often. Think about it: what other addiction that you know of (alcohol, drugs, alcohol, porn, etc.) does anything other than ESCALATE over time?
Thanks for the advice Starsky and keeping up with my sitch. I already confronted W about it. I'm going to leave it alone.
The W did make her appointment yesterday to begin the petition process. We talked about it, W mentioned that on her drive home she was thinking that our M would not end like this. Not sure to make anything of that comment.
I did give her a letter yesterday morning that my DB coach help me put together. The letter asked her not to respond, but she wanted to talk about it last night.
Basically I took ownership of all of my faults and of her complaints. I listed all of the mistakes that I could think of that were hurtful to her. Here is the convo that followed:
W: You have been listening, because everything was listed. W: It is crazy when it all is put on paper. M: I understand where I failed you. W: You should make yourself a copy of this letter so you can keep it for reference. M: I have a copy. I rewrote it 3 times. M: If you ever decided to work things out, we cannot go back to our old M. W: I can't go back. M: Me neither, because I now know the mistakes I made. I wouldn't want to return to this point again.
-We got interrupted, so that was the end of it. The mood is usually good when we talk.
I know, no R talk. She left an opening that I thought was a good opportunity to let her know that if we worked things out, our old M would be over. We would be committing to a new one.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
That was a pretty well-controlled and executed conversation you had there, LITB! The relationship talk could've been dicy, but judging from the context of your conversation, it played out well. Now, whether it means anything...please leave any thoughts at the front door. You did good and I'm glad your coach helped you with the letter as well.
