Eric - reading your post reminded me of my favorite quote:
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE
Everything is about choice. I re-read Michelle's article, Forgiveness is a gift you give yourselfand the last paragraph is perfect for any of us - whether we are still standing or we are done and moving forward...
"Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future."
You are so positive my friend - always supporting the rest of us. Right now you need use all of that great advice you give us and listen to yourself when you start to get down and frustrated.
Happy New Year Eric!! (stress is on the Happy part!)
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I'm sorry that your wife doesnt see what a good father you are. It amazes me that a mother would not want their father in their children's lives as much as possible. I would love nothing more than my h to be part of my son's life and have done all I could to facilitate that to no avail.
Anyway, I know how hard it is to still be in the same house. I did it for more than two years.
And the divorce process is going on 9 months for me so I know of where you speak.
Here's the thing, you need to always remember that she is in crisis. Not to give her a free ride or to take any of the ownership off of her actions. It is only for you to understand that she is not going to react in the way that a 'normal' person would.
She is inside her own head. She cannot see outside of it. You are the enemy in her mind.
So, with that understanding, you become able to stop yourself from going in circles with her. That does nothing but make you dizzy.
Going round and round about the parenting agreement serves no purpose. You have to dig in and wait until it is spelled out legally.
If you feel you must, explain to the kids that you are working on figuring out how to best handle the arrangements and leave it at that for now.
When you have more info, you can give them more info. Just be sure to let them know that you and their mom always have their best interests at heart and are doing the best you can during a difficult situation.
And try as hard as you can not to get into these arguments with her, Eric. The more you argue, the harder she is going to come at you.
You wanted to sleep in your bedroom, you set the boundary and that's ok, I might have laid right down next to her. But that's me. Hee hee.
Your children are watching. To them, it doesnt matter who is right or wrong, just that they are safe.
I know it's hard. I do. The sooner you accept the crazy and stop being so surprised by it, the better off you'll be.
Find happiness in small things. Pray. Enjoy your children. Be the man you have become.
Live your life, Eric.
You've been through tougher stuff. You gotta dig in a little deeper, but as you said to me - you got this. I am here if you need to talk.
Oh Eric, I am so sorry about Christmas, but your post about the New Year inspired me. Thank you so much for your postings my friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers...
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
All, I have not posted an update on my thread in what feels like an eternity. I’m try to make this short (yeah right).
Since the last November 4 way meeting between STBXW, myself and our L’s not much has happened on the legal front. Most of the changes have really been with me.
• I now want this D I believe more than she does. • I made a decision to stop serving ice cream with the cake that she was eating. • We are still in the same house; however, I have moved back into the master bedroom and she is now sleeping in my 9yr old daughters room. • The R between my oldest son and myself has gotten worse. • The R between my D and myself is the same…she is one of the positives in all of this. • My middle son continues to be hooked to the X-Box and spend most of his time shooting zombies. And yes, every now and then (when I beg and plead enough) he lets me play with him and his friends. • My W has said she was going to move; although she has done nothing to indicate that she is moving.
On December 23rd I sent the following email to my STBXW….
STBXW,
As we discussed this morning, the time has come to start moving in the direction you have pushed towards. While I haven't agreed to most of it, I have come to accept that these are your wishes. As we agreed to this morning, now seems to be as good a time as ever to implement the parenting plan that we both agreed to at our last four way discussions with the attorneys.
Starting today or after the winter break for the children if you prefer, I think would be a good time to start acclimating them to the schedule. Until the time you relocate, I would like to honor our agreement in such a manner that it follows what we agreed on. To summarize what we agreed to:
Saturday after 1pm, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday the kids should contact you with any concerns or questions. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday until 1pm I will be responsible for the children and they should direct any questions or concerns to me.
As agreed, the schedule will remain fairly flexible around your work schedule (I forgot the term the lawyers used) although I will need advance notice on any changes that take place so that the calendar in the kitchen can be updated to reflect that and so that I can plan accordingly. I would really appreciate it if you could give me at least a week or two notice if your schedule changes.
I will update the calendar in the kitchen for the remainder of December, as well as January, and February as to who will facilitate the parental responsibilities on designated days. I have also decided that although I respect the wishes of the children, they are still children. And they still require guidance throughout their decisions they make. And while I will remain flexible with S17, that freedom will diminish slightly with S15, and then even less for D9. When they are scheduled with me, they will be with me. When they are scheduled with you, then they will be with you. It really gives them the true benefit of being with both parents.
Every book I have read states, and I believe the parenting class reaffirmed, that setting a firm schedule, and posting it helps tremendously with the transition period. I will support you, and I expect your support in return.
It will become less about what they want , and more about what they need. And regardless how we feel about each other, we are still their parents. And our decisions need to be unified for their benefit.
Unity in our decisions regarding them, will help them down the road, and establish the groundwork for them not playing us for a fool at every opportunity, which we both agree we have already seen already.
Their mental well-being is as equally important through this as their physical well-being is so let’s do our best to work together for their best interest.
There are things still in the air that also need to be settled. I would like a firm date on your move. I would also like a list of things you plan on taking with you, so that I may prepare to replace if I choose so. I am not opposed to whatever you wish to take, I would just like to know so that I don't look for something down the road and wonder where it is.
As we discussed and agreed to this morning, starting this weekend, I will be moving back into the master bedroom. The option is yours as to whether or not you choose to remain until your move out date. My preference would be for you to not remain where I sleep.
One other thing that I need to address with you. It has come to my attention, that there are things being shared about your personal thoughts about me with our children. I have, and will continue to treat you with the utmost respect. And I expect the same in return from you. If you feel the need to comment on what you feel my deficiencies are, please refrain from doing so, to , and in front of our children.
Thank you for your cooperation through this. Eric ---------------------
The tension in the house can sometime be a little unbearable but I remain steadfast in my belief and doing what I have said I would do, which is not leave. At this point in the process everything appears to be legal maneuvering on her end, which can be quite frustrating at times.
The most recent issues that have surfaced are related to some of the comments that my STBXW is making around the children. Most of it is around “daddy not giving me money”, “I have to protect you from daddy”..blah…blah..blah…. The stuff that comes out of her mouth these days never ceases to amaze me. I will say that the vicious is masked behind this sweet women who was tortured.
The stuff that stings I look at – that which doesn’t I just ignore. Having said this, not much stings these days. I have come to accept that I cannot change what happened years ago. I can only change things going forward and today. I have also accepted that nothing I say, do, do not do, do not say will change how she feels. I no longer feel the need to apologize for mistakes that I made. I no longer wait for her forgiveness. I no longer expect anything from her. Actually…I take that back…I expect nothing but pain, anger and hate from her. I actually feel sorry for her while at the same time I have come to respect that she just like I has made a choice to live her life the way right now she wants to live it. I still find it difficult to wish her well and my hope is to reach that place once she is out of the house and I can continue my healing process. I have accepted that my M is dead and gone. I have accepted that right now, I do not even want to be her associate. Part of me wishes her well on her journey, part of me hopes that one day she will realize as I have that someone else is not the cause of your unhappiness or happiness for that matter.
Over the past few months and weeks I have dealt with the rage and anger that can sometime overwhelm me. I would to thank my friends (you know who you are…who have been around to talk me down from the ledge). We often talk about detaching and I must say this is such a process. For the newbies…realize that you can detach AND still get pissed off. You’re human. You will know when you reach the level of detachment that we all strive for. I will also so that it is so important to really take a step back and figure out what you want to do for YOU. To live your life for you. To make your choices for you. In some ways, with no consideration of your spouse. You must really and truly let them go.
These days I sit and wait until our court date. I am no longer willing to waste time to try to reach a settlment with someone who is not rational.
My state is a mother state so I know I have an uphill battle in order to gain 50 % custody. I have gotten to a place where I have finally accepted that whatever is going to happen will happen as it relates to custody. That is not a defeatist ‘tude…no…just that I realize that I can only control my actions, my thoughts, my words – The rest I’m leaving up to God.
Recently my attny sent W's L a letter asking that she cease from making these comments. I could have my L file an order to that effect; however, IMO, that will do nothing but add more fuel to the fire. So I will see how the next few weeks go and determine what next steps I need to take.
So what is next for me?
1) Continue to be the best dad I can be. 2) Try and repair as best I can the R between my oldest and myself 3) I would like to finalize the terms of custody and the divorce settlement as soon as possible. 4) I would like her to leave so that I can finish “processing” the feelings that I pretty sure that I will feel. 5) I would like to repaint the inside of my house. I’m thinking of some pastel colors like pink and baby blue (no comments Grit or Mach). BTW, just kidding about the colors. 6) I have to do a few home repairs, which I will need to save up for. 7) Continue to pay down debt. I am doing much better and finally stop worry about what “legally” I should or should not do. I follow a simple rule….do what is right. So the right thing is to pay down the debt. 8) Work on my landscaping. 9) Sell the house if I deem I cannot afford it. 10) Continue to live my life the way I want to live it 11) Develop new relationships that will grow over time
I’ll try to post more in the coming days.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You seem in a good place mentally...yes we all still get angry at times...as you said we wouldn't be human if we didn't. It must be incredibly hard to still be living under the same roof. I hope that the process will move the way you want it to move so you can start healing and living your life on your own terms.
Take care
Mila
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thanks for the update. It sounds like you're doing the best you can do given the difficult circumstances you're in. It sounds like your W is still totally self-focused. Your children are fortunate to have you as a father. I hope the state sees it the same way.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I could be wrong, but more and more the courts are becoming 50/50 states where obviously concerned and devoted parents are concerned. Even here in Arkansas. It can be a good thing or a bad thing. Just promise yourself that if you get the 50/50, and it ever becomes a bad choice for the kids, you will be willing to compromise. I've seen the cases of bad, too. Two households, two sets of rules. The one that has rules and enforces them becomes the "Bad" house and the fight is on.
You want this to end. I know you do. You also want to be a positive force in your kid's lives. You are that, I believe. Just know from the getgo that 50/50 can be sticky when the other partner is unwilling. And it goes on, and on, and on . . .
I have not posted an update on my sitch in what feels like an enternity. So here goes…
1) I feel good…real good actually. 2) I am still legally married; although moving forward with the divorce. 3) Moving out of the marital home; although putting me in a less advantageous position legally was the BEST thing I did…in a long time. 4) My children (at least two of them) have transitioned very well. My R with my D remains strong and she actually prefer to be with me at “Daddy’s house” (although I keep correcting her…”our house”). The R with my middle son is GREAT. 5) I do not really speak much with my oldest who remains angry. I have focused on detaching from HIM and giving him the space he needs. I am not giving up on him, rather, I will no longer allow his anger and issues to impact me or the other two children. 6) I can say with 100% certainty that the legal process in my state [censored]! 7) I was involved in a R that I recently ended. It was a good R; however, my life with my kids and finishing up the legaility of my divorce are my highest priority. To that end, any plans or person that gets in the way of that must be removed from my life. 8) Did I forget to say that moving has been a God sent gift to me. 9) I am feeling strong, feeling confident…feeling more comfortable in my skin. 10) I still have work to do…and probably always will. BUT man….I feel good!
Taking a break from the boards was a good thing for me and I am sorry that I did not reach out to more of you over the past few months. I needed to really focus on me and the kids for a while.
Okay…enough of an update…..Party at my house in June or July…for those of you who know me well….shoot me an email and let me know what dates work for you! 
Oh…and Grit…NO we are not sleeping in the same bed together if you come up!
It feels good to be back guys!
With love, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
