Upset

[MsRae]

Syclla,

I'm sorry I couldn't post more earlier. My daughter needed me.

There is nothing boring about what you are going through. Nothing.

You are devastated and with reason.

Try not to project what you THINK may happen. You really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. With MLC you know that he could change his mind in the morning.

You have read the resources and you know what you’re up against. You KNOW this stuff.

IB is right. You showed up every day. He doesn’t have the guts, yet, to face what got him here in the first place. You have been fearless in facing the demons that have haunted you. I hope that you continue to be.

It’s my nature to try to relate to people with my own life stories. I’d like to share one with you.

My adopted D14 has had a crummy life. Her mom was a drug addict. Crystal meth. She is in recovery now and building her life back together. Her dad, who she calls dad, is not her real father. She doesn’t even know his name. She’s the product of an affair. Her mother lost custody of her when she was 7. Her dad signed custody over to her 19 year old sister four years ago. He is a nice guy, I guess. He’s just more interested in blowing up mountains in Utah looking for relics and artifacts.

D14 has crossed every line I have ever drawn for her. My bio kids look at her like SHE has MLC about half the time.

D, don’t smoke pot. Smoked it.
D, don’t drink alcohol. Drank it.
D, don’t smoke cigarettes. Smoked them.
D, don’t mess around with boys, they’ll tell you anything to get what they want. Messed around at 12!! Not sex, according to Clinton, but close enough for me.
D, don’t send those kinds of pics to boys. Sent them.

My kids tell me I am the mom from The Blindside. Except I am really short with almost black hair.

By the time, I found out about the pics, I was ready to pull my own hair out.

Her and I sat down in the middle of the living room floor. I made her look at me.

I said, “What I am about to say does not mean that I think your mom and dad are bad people.”

Instant tears on her part.

“You know that I have said for years that your mom didn’t get up one day and say-I’m going to become a drug addict, lose my kids and ruin my life. It never happens that way , D.”

Poor baby was bawling by this point.

“But you know what, D, we all want to be picked. We all want to be the one that someone chooses. We want that boy to pick us. We want friends that pick us over that girl that stabbed you in the back. Everyone wants that.”

I said, ”Your parents should have picked you. They really should have picked you. Picked you over drugs. Picked you over looking for stuff that half the time isn’t even real. And I am so sorry that they didn’t.”

She was crying so hard she was hiccuping. “Here’s the deal, babe. We DID pick you. I picked you, dad picked you, D16, D15 and S12 all picked you. It hasn’t been enough though. You’re still looking for something to fill that hole in your gut. Nothing ever will. NOT until YOU pick YOU and then you let God fill it. We ALL have the hole and you picking you and letting God fill you up is all that will EVER fill it.”

She is getting there. Baby steps.

Syclla, you wanted him to pick YOU. I so get it. I want my H to pick me too, but if he doesn’t I’m going to be ok. Dreams will die and a life that we made will be gone. But I’ll have different dreams then. Yes, it will break my heart, but it will mend. You are going to be ok.

You picked your kids everyday.

You picked working on yourself instead of running away.

You picked staying and working things out.

You picked YOU.

He doesn’t even know he needs picking.

[sarahani]

SC,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know if there is anything I can say to make the pain go away.

I had a horrible day yesterday as well. I called my H and said Happy V Day and he didn't reply, I was so heart broken, the tears were flowing non-stop and I couldn't comprehend? I'm the mother of your children, strangers say it to each other why couldn’t he say it knowing it would simply put a smile on my face? I then did something even more stupid, went shopping with my friend for her b-friend and saw some sneakers my H would have loved and I text him a picture to see if he liked them so I can buy it for him, you know what I got NO REPLY! Then I found out he had gone all out for OW on Sunday for V-day, that broke me…it really did.

After yesterday I don’t know if I can ever forgive him and I decided to lay low and take some time for myself and decide what's best for me and my children. I think what you are doing is the only way we can seek comfort in our sitch. Our kids are a god send!

I understand your pain, I really do. I'm so sorry...

[Denver_2010]

I have read the MLC resources.
I can't understand how someone could hurt so many people for their own selfish reasons.
I can't understand why they wouldn't get the help they need.
I can't understand why family is so unimportant.
I don't even know if he's worth the tears I've shed, the words I've spoken or the energy I have invested.

What a waste. What an effin' waste.

Is he worth the tears Scylia?

Have you done any more thinking about what we discussed the other night on my thread?

Have you done your own soul searching?

Scylia.... you need to begin to consider your own happiness...

And not what your H is or is not doing...

Maybe that means continuing to DB your H... maybe it doesn't...

Only YOU can decide.

BITS
Denver

[Truegritter]

I feel it has been a waste. Love's labour lost.
Meaningless. In the end the love I gave, the effort I expended, the investment of time didn't and doesn't matter.

So the love you gave doesn't matter?

Was it only worth what you got in return?

Sorry Scylla you just punched a hole in the fabric of life and I am going to invite you look to the other side if you care to.

So love means you give only if you get what you want in return?

What does loving someone entitle you to?

[punkin]

Scylla,

This is my first post to your thread. You haven't said anything boring, or shocking, or any other explectives I can think of. We have all been there. This hurt and feeling of betrayal and waste is all consuming - for awhile. Look at it this way. If your H had died of natural causes, would the last ____ number of years be a waste? Of course not! You have children and happy memories and good times to show for it. Just look at the pic. Not now. When you are able to without wanting a flame thrower.

This grieving period is almost more than bearable, BUT, God never gives us more than we can bear. It makes us stronger. I could go on and on with platitudes, but you already know them. It's just harder to believe in them at this time.

Hide in bed for awhile if you want to. Pull the covers over your head and don't come out except for oxygen. This too shall pass.
Come here to vent. We hear you. We understand. Whether or not your marriage weathers this is still to be seen. As maddeningly as this sounds, I'll tell you what was told to me when I first came here. YOU WILL KNOW. To go forward, backward, sideways. You will know. Just tie a knot in the rope and hang on. And my favorite saying:

Keep passing the open windows. ((HUGS))

[Queen_of_Swords]

I feel it has been a waste. Love's labour lost.
Meaningless. In the end the love I gave, the effort I expended, the investment of time didn't and doesn't matter.

So the love you gave doesn't matter?
Appears it does not. It didn't engender, loyalty, or the willingness to stick by promises made.
I gave my love freely and joyfully not expecting too much in return. I didn't know I was to expect nothing.
I have always been taught and I guess you got taught too, what you give, you get. Another lie I guess.

Was it only worth what you got in return?

Looking back...no. I feel used. A sucker in life's game today. A foolish , foolish girl, and the shame of it all, is that innocent people will pay for my foolishness.

Sorry Scylla you just punched a hole in the fabric of life and I am going to invite you look to the other side if you care to.

So love means you give only if you get what you want in return?

Love begets love, so I've been taught. No you don't get what you want. You might get what you need. Might not too.

What does loving someone entitle you to?
Sitting here this morning with my eyes swollen and a box of tissues almost gone it appears that love is pretty pointless.
If you're lucky, you might get a return of your affection or regard.

Mainly, it serves a biological purpose. In that it was successful in my case.

Loving someone gets you nothing in return. It entitles you to nothing.

Being loved though...we all chase it, we all crave it, we all want to be loved. Paradox.

Without love, care and touch. We die, or seek our own destruction.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I forgot to color my text here it is, sorry about that, it's fixed for clarity.

So the love you gave doesn't matter?

Appears it does not. It didn't engender loyalty, or the willingness to stick by promises made.
I gave my love freely and joyfully not expecting too much in return. I didn't know I was to expect nothing.
I have always been taught and I guess you got taught too, what you give, you get. Another lie I guess.

Was it only worth what you got in return?

Looking back...no. I feel used. A sucker in life's game today. A foolish , foolish girl, and the shame of it all, is that innocent people will pay for my foolishness.

Sorry Scylla you just punched a hole in the fabric of life and I am going to invite you look to the other side if you care to.

So love means you give only if you get what you want in return?

Love begets love, so I've been taught. No you don't get what you want. You might get what you need. Might not too.

What does loving someone entitle you to?

Sitting here this morning with my eyes swollen and a box of tissues almost gone it appears that love is pretty pointless.
If you're lucky, you might get a return of your affection or regard.

Mainly, it serves a biological purpose. In that it was successful in my case.

Loving someone gets you nothing in return. It entitles you to nothing.

Being loved though...we all chase it, we all crave it, we all want to be loved. Paradox.

Without love, care and touch. We die, or seek our own destruction.

[courageous wife]

Very nice post MsRae!

[nic1]

I'm sorry for your pain, S_C. These experienced posters will help guide us through this. We have to feel the hurt right now, but we will get better.

Our children have witnessed us giving that love to their other parent. They needed that to take forward with them, to help them in their relationships.
Let your love flow around them right now. It helps immensely.

(((S_C)))

[Queen_of_Swords]

Syclla,

I'm sorry I couldn't post more earlier. My daughter needed me.
I thank you for your response and caring MsRae. No apologies are necessary. Meat space life always trumps online life.

There is nothing boring about what you are going through. Nothing.

You are devastated and with reason.

Try not to project what you THINK may happen. You really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. With MLC you know that he could change his mind in the morning.
I am really trying not to. I pray this parenting course is the 2X4 needed to shake him awake. This isn't funny, it isn't a minor thing. It will affect us all for the rest of our lives.

You have read the resources and you know what you’re up against. You KNOW this stuff.

IB is right. You showed up every day. He doesn’t have the guts, yet, to face what got him here in the first place. You have been fearless in facing the demons that have haunted you. I hope that you continue to be.
I'm committed to it. I don't want to live life as an overwhelmed child in an adult body anymore. It's exhausting and it was killing me.

It’s my nature to try to relate to people with my own life stories. I’d like to share one with you.

My adopted D14 has had a crummy life. Her mom was a drug addict. Crystal meth. She is in recovery now and building her life back together. Her dad, who she calls dad, is not her real father. She doesn’t even know his name. She’s the product of an affair. Her mother lost custody of her when she was 7. Her dad signed custody over to her 19 year old sister four years ago. He is a nice guy, I guess. He’s just more interested in blowing up mountains in Utah looking for relics and artifacts.

D14 has crossed every line I have ever drawn for her. My bio kids look at her like SHE has MLC about half the time.

D, don’t smoke pot. Smoked it.
D, don’t drink alcohol. Drank it.
D, don’t smoke cigarettes. Smoked them.
D, don’t mess around with boys, they’ll tell you anything to get what they want. Messed around at 12!! Not sex, according to Clinton, but close enough for me.
D, don’t send those kinds of pics to boys. Sent them.

My kids tell me I am the mom from The Blindside. Except I am really short with almost black hair.

By the time, I found out about the pics, I was ready to pull my own hair out.

Her and I sat down in the middle of the living room floor. I made her look at me.

I said, “What I am about to say does not mean that I think your mom and dad are bad people.”

Instant tears on her part.

“You know that I have said for years that your mom didn’t get up one day and say-I’m going to become a drug addict, lose my kids and ruin my life. It never happens that way , D.”

Do you think you can talk to my H. this way? I am only joking a little bit. I sincerely want to ask him exactly when he decided working on our relationship wasn't worth his time, care and energy, of course I kinda know he stopped loving me when I had our second child, about a decade ago.

Poor baby was bawling by this point.

“But you know what, D, we all want to be picked. We all want to be the one that someone chooses. We want that boy to pick us. We want friends that pick us over that girl that stabbed you in the back. Everyone wants that.”

I said, ”Your parents should have picked you. They really should have picked you. Picked you over drugs. Picked you over looking for stuff that half the time isn’t even real. And I am so sorry that they didn’t.”

She was crying so hard she was hiccuping. “Here’s the deal, babe. We DID pick you. I picked you, dad picked you, D16, D15 and S12 all picked you. It hasn’t been enough though. You’re still looking for something to fill that hole in your gut. Nothing ever will. NOT until YOU pick YOU and then you let God fill it. We ALL have the hole and you picking you and letting God fill you up is all that will EVER fill it.”

I laid it all at God's feet last night. This is out of my hands entirely. There is NOTHING I can do. Anything I have done and do now is pretty much irrelevant. I cannot change H.'s path, and I can't make him choose me, our children or love's path.

She is getting there. Baby steps.

Syclla, you wanted him to pick YOU.

He did pick me. Then he dumped me, like trash. The once shiny, new and treasured toy...used, damaged, and marked. I'm no velveteen rabbit...I always was real.

I so get it. I want my H to pick me too, but if he doesn’t I’m going to be ok. Dreams will die and a life that we made will be gone. But I’ll have different dreams then. Yes, it will break my heart, but it will mend. You are going to be ok.
Maybe I'll be ok. I'll survive.

You picked your kids everyday.
And I still do. They are young. They need guidance, protection and affection. They need a mother. They need a father too ( but I can't do his part).

You picked working on yourself instead of running away.

You picked staying and working things out.

You picked YOU.

He doesn’t even know he needs picking.

OH please, someone just shake him already!